Monday, July 14, 2008

11 days.

It's been 8 days since I posted a blog. 11 days since Nick moved out. And feels like an eternity for both. While I feel the ending of our relationship was for the best in the long run, it still hurts not having him there. I know he doesn't want to read this or even know I'm feeling this way but it's the way I feel. Nick, I'm sorry. You're a good guy and I do wish you the best.

On to things pertaining solely to myself. Work is my only sanctuary right now and that's a very disheartening thought. I pour myself into my career when I'm single usually however this go round, work isn't fulfilling. Of course that is one of the things that I want to change in my life. I will be going on to secondary education soon enough even though I can't afford it. I will take a part time job somewhere (anywhere at this point) to be able to afford to live. It is my hope and desire that even though it will be expensive and I cannot see how I will be able to afford it if I have no job to go to, I will be moved to Oklahoma by years end. Hopefully to a new set of friends and a new life. While I care greatly about those that I have here, it is time for me to move on. Or move back as it were to someplace strangely familiar even though it has been over 6 years since I have lived in Oklahoma and places, people, and things change a lot in 6 years. I don't know what I will do for a job or money down there yet, but I do know I will be attending school in some form. Either PT or FT, but somehow I will make it work and I will get my life back on track. I can no longer stomach the revulsion that is my life even with the betterments that have come from the last year. Currently at home I am rebuilding my resume so that I may hopefully find a job that can support me while I pursue higher education.

For those of you who read my blog, thank you for the kind words you have left me over time. They do mean a lot however can't compare to the solace or comfort a hug or shoulder offer. I am embarrassed that I am 27 years old and only have a high school diploma having squandered all of the opportunity I was presented with so young. A series of bad decisions, a series of life choices have lead me to this point and hopefully a series of corrections will lead me to where I want to be in life. I have the design picked out for the home I wish to build and live in. I have the dream cars I want in the drive way and garage of that home picked out. And while I don't have the partner who will spend his life with me in that home just yet, I know he will come to me one day. To those of you who know me outside of this digital world, I need your help and guidance. Perhaps even just a little bit of your time. Help to remind me of my goals, help keep me on track with them. And help save my mind from devouring itself with an onslaught of doubt.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Grandeur or dillusions of.

As I'm sure most of my readers know I ended the relationship I was in. This has brought about a lot of change and turmoil for both him and myself, and I can't help but have a sense of guilt for putting another human through so much pain as it appears I have/am putting him through. It's not easy watching someone that you care about go through so much even if you yourself aren't happy in the relationship. I have to admit I ended the relationship for reasons pertaining only to myself and what is best for me, not because of some mistake or egregious fuck up on his part. While he and I are no longer together, he is still an incredible guy with so much to give someone deserving of his heart. I say to that man, you are a lucky guy. Nick I wish you the best. I have known some wonderful people in my life and I count you in those ranks.

On to other matters, this week I am working 6 days but only 7 hours a day so it's not too bad. Still doesn't quite cure the boredom in the evenings and the lack of funds to go and do anything fun. I'm so used to having someone there all the time to talk to and to just have another body to be around and now that I'm living by myself again, it's taking some getting used to. I suppose now would be a good time to start exercising and riding my bike. Perhaps even back and forth to work seeing as I no longer have any evening obligations.

Tonight will be spent updating my resume and sending it to my family in OK so they can aid in the job hunt which brings me to my next point of discussion. I have lived in Toledo for 6.5 years now. Having been here this long I have set roots and lost contact with many of those I knew in Oklahoma. Those that really matter to me though I have stayed in touch with such as Jamie, David, Kyle, Matt, and my family. No longer having ties to this city besides my job and friends is a liberating feeling but at the same time, it comes with a sense of foreboding. I have longed for many years to return to my roots, to the family I left (what feels like) so long ago. I want to eventually build a home on my 40acres I will receive from my parents to live in peace in the country side with my partner, my soul mate, my better half whomever he may be. I want to have the home with the immaculate lawn, the SUV and nice car in the drive and the beater pickup out back, with a dog and maybe a cat or two. I want to be able to say "I have done what I wanted in life, and I have returned to where I was happiest and life has rewarded me with this." I know this is probably sounding like a lot of senseless blathering but it's what consumes me. It's what envelopes my every thought and dream.

A couple weeks ago, I flew home to visit my family for a quick weekend trip (again, thank you so much Nick). I got to see my brothers, and some of my nieces and nephews. One thing stands out from that visit that I never thought I'd ever see. My family has gotten old. I remember my grandparents not being far from the age my parents are now. My uncles and aunts being the age my brothers are and frankly it scares me to death. I know that it won't feel like long at all till they are gone and I will be alone. I am slightly upset at my brothers though. The one request I had of them for when I visited was to sit down and play cards or dominoes or one of the old games that is a deep rooted tradition in my family when someone visits. Yet they were more captivated by an outdoor and knife version of the home shopping network on the TV. This stung and while I love them and forgave them before I had went to bed that night, it just serves to reiterate how alienated I am from the rest of my family; something which I must correct.

Well boys and girls I should end this here and tend to work I have to do. Please leave a comment or email or something. I like to hear from people :)