One day...

A Facebook status update I posted:

So.  Everyone is up in arms about Chick Fil-A and their stance on gay marriage.  I’ve seen people who adamantly support this company’s stance because “they are just a business” and are “entitled to their freedom of speech.”  I’d like to remind those individuals on my friends list who are right wing conservatives and insist that simply because the Bible says I’m wrong for loving someone of the same gender, you may want to read a little farther into your precious book.  If I really must take you on individually for this debate, please let us do it via private message but I do reserve the right to dismiss you as simply ignorant of other verses.  Furthermore, I do fervently agree with Chick Fil-A’s right to say what they want in coming out against or in support of any marriage stance they want, HOWEVER, what I cannot and will not tolerate is this company donating millions of dollars to such groups as Exodus International.  For those of you who don’t know, Exodus International is group who engage in ex-gay therapies.  To translate that into lay terms for everyone, these therapies are psychological and physical aversion therapy (torture) in an attempt to “cure” gays and make them straight.  If you condone the barbaric practice of torture to try and change the way people are born, then please find the unfriend button right now.  I do not want or need you in my life in any shape or form.  Thanks so much.

While this particular status may seem a little bitchy and perhaps even a little inflammatory, I don’t really care.  I have seen gays and straights alike saying “can’t we all just get along?” over the last few days because of one semi-edible fast food restaurants stance on whether or not I (and others like me) can marry the people we love.  This is quite a novel concept and while I’d like to think we could all get along, it we in America look to our not so distant past we will see just exactly what bigotry and denial of rights to a minority can cause.

                This summer I took a government class.  While I would have very much enjoyed taking this class in a brick and mortar environment, I ended up taking the class online.  During the course of this class I learned a lot about just how our government works and the civil rights movement.  While I didn’t see much evidence of racists using the bible as a reason for the rampant segregation, I do know of the bible being used to endorse slavery before the Civil War.  While it was ruled by the Supreme Court that separate but equal was at one point constitutional under the 14^th amendment, it was later overturned.  To this day there are even still some elections in the great state of Mississippi that are under federal jurisdiction because of the inability to include African American people in the election back during the civil rights movement.

                Now having said all that, let’s look at the current equal rights movement underway for the equal treatment of the GLBT (Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Trans) community.  There is a growing and at times violent expanse forming between those individuals who would deny equal marital rights to homosexual couples and those individuals who are fighting for same sex couples to have the same rights as heterosexual couples.  The one main theme I keep seeing throughout this fight is the bible says being gay is “an abomination” and “abhorrent.”  I have seen countless people my age and younger taking a stance on this issue and unfortunately taking a highly uninformed stance.  I saw something the other day that said “we need to bring this country back to God” and gays should “never be [granted] the right to be married” because “being gay is a choice.”  To these people I wish to say, you my fellow human being, are an imbecile if you really honestly believe this country was founded on a single religion.

                This country was founded on the principle of being a refuge for religious freedom and the opportunity for prosperity.  People seem to forget this because of the religious right’s ability to manipulate its followers into believing anything it spews forth.  Much like the civil rights movement of the past, this will soon be another dark blot on America’s history that we will all say “I was there to see it happen!”

                I heard a story one time that I am unsure if it’s true but it’s a nice story anyway.  As some of you may know, the rainbow is recognized as the symbol for gay pride.  I have heard this wasn’t always the case.  During the last civil rights movement, the rainbow was developed as a symbol for equality.  All races, all colors, living together in harmony just like in a rainbow.  It represented the beautiful hope that those who were fighting so diligently for their equal rights clung to so desperately.  Again in our country’s sordid history it is the symbol for an oppressed group who simply want the same rights as the majority.

                One day, we will be able to live in harmony and marry the one we love without wondering if or when we will be persecuted for our heart’s desire.

Intriguing

NOTE: this will be more of a double post than just a single thought so keep that in mind.

Yesterday I got one of those little forward text messages that said if you could use only one word to describe me, what would it be? I thought this would be an interesting experiment to see what others think of me, so naturally I forwarded this one with absolutely no expectations as to what the replies would contain. The responses I received were varied and intriguing. There were two which struck me as particularly intriguing. Tracy responded with “seeker.” Something I didn’t expect but I can see the reasoning. Tracy seems to be an avid reader of my writings and while sometimes does not leave comments I like to believe that my thoughts stir her thought process. It also invoked a mental overview of my past posts and various writings. They all contain a common underlying thread. I am seeking something in my life. Be it truth, knowledge, true love, inner strength, or simply peace, I am seeking something and perhaps everything all at once. My curiosity is often peaked but not quite to the extent of Giles Gregory Skiboy Kitty with the ever present thought “What’s this button do I wonder?” as the button is promptly pressed and often havoc ensues. A few other responses I received were “amazing, complex, silly, funny…etc” the typical gambit. However another one particularly intrigued me. So much so I had to look it up in the dictionary! A gentleman I am getting to know responded with ebullient. For those of you who are like me and steadily watching your vocabulary decrease as the number under the age section increases, (the laymen translation I got from it) boiling with energy. While I like to think of myself that way I often times don’t see it myself but I assume that I am perceived in such a manner. I take this as quite the grand compliment. I like to think of myself as having a caring nature and a nurturing disposition to help those around me and attempt to make them smile when they are down in the dumps. I suppose this is one of the contributing factors which has lead me to chose the profession I am shortly going to enter into. What I found most curious about the responses I got was the wide and varied range. Some of which with mischievous and others with caring. I suppose the phrase my roommate (Sir Skiboy of Alvin, Head Kitteh Herder) used was perhaps the most accurate. “Dear you are far too complex to summarize in just one word.” There will always be yen and yang to my personality. There will always be a certain air of constantly opposing forces which balance (and sometimes imbalance) me into the individual which is me. So here is what I ask you dear reader. From my writings, who do you think I am? Leave a comment, an email (ptatum@gmail.com), or an IM (AIM: socialites1, Yahoo: sinn95) and let me know :).

On to the next topic:

The plight of Midwestern America is steadily growing worse even though the economy seems to have slowed its rapid downward spiral. Today I was forwarded a note from the wife of another victim of the economy’s ailments. A factory in one of the towns here in Northwestern Ohio will be closing it’s doors permanently within the next month or so resulting in the loss of 200+ jobs in the area. One of which was the man referenced above. After reading this email, I was deeply moved. What moved me even more was the story of how his 30 employees were lined up at his car waiting to say goodbye to a good supervisor and to tell him how much they will miss working with him. Even those who he had run ins with in the past for one reason or another were there to thank him and wish him well. All in all an amazing story of the caring and heart of those of the American Midwest. Another item that touched me was the view his wife had of the situation. She looks at this as not a woe is me moment, but as an opportunity for her husband to start a new phase in his life. Another chapter if you will. She states they have their faith, their family, and their health making them rich beyond measure. This is a testament to the strength and fortitude of those who have built their lives here in the farming communities, steel mills, factories, and industries occupying so much of middle America.

With Detroit’s auto industry continuing to crumble and starting to rust into shambles, a once large city is slowly dying because of these difficult times. Every company out there is looking to shave overhead, cut costs, increase efficiency, and any other tactic one can imagine to stay alive. For too long our nation has taken advantage of the prosperous times we have been afforded. We have forgotten what it is to live through hard times. We must always remember our history for if we forget, we are bound to repeat the same mistakes of our forefathers. I’m sure hardly any, if anyone at all, remembers times where if you wanted to eat you had to grow your own vegetables or go hunting to put meat on the table. If you were unsuccessful, you were left hungry. We have forgotten what life was like before there was central heat and air. Before supermarkets. Before the task of driving to the store was so arduous that it would be postponed until absolutely necessary. To be left cold and shivering within the confines of one’s own home if trees were not fell to burn for heat and cooking. No matter how hard the times remember, they were once much more difficult than we can currently imagine. Be thankful for all that we have, remember to cherish the ones you love, and keep the spirit of the American Midwest alive. We will overcome, we will survive, we will prosper, and we will be stronger because of it.

The Roller Coaster Has No More Hills

Previously in my life (prior to last November) a lot of my friends and loved ones, the ones that truly knew me the best, would say that I was kind of an erratic person. Usually very random, up and down, not very predictable as to how I would react to something, but for the most part I was generally happy. Well of course they always saw me when I was happy. I never let the downside yang to my happy yen show through. I would hole myself up for hours or even days till the mood passed. Those that knew me then and know me now have all noticed a significant difference in the person and type of mood I'm in constantly. I'm no longer as erratic or irrational. I no longer have the inexplicable mood swings which often times varied by the minute you were talking to me. Things are now even keeled. The rollercoaster has no more hills.

Along these lines I have been doing a lot of thinking, worrying, fretting, and just generally contemplating why I am so hell bent on self improvement. My emotional roller coaster may no longer have any more hills but my life in general is about to be one gigantic up, down, left, right, loop, cobra turn, followed by a sudden and abrupt stop, then being launched at 120mph. I am fervently planted and am to the point of no return on this grand adventure of life and improvement. I do however have a companion who has accepted the task of going along for the ride. Bless her for sitting down, strapping in, and holding on for the ride. Molly and I have all but gotten our 64 count box of crayola crayons, elmers glue, wonder woman lunch boxes, and wide ruled spiral notebooks so we can start our career paths at the ripe old ages of 26 for Molly (not really but she looks it so that's what we're going with) and 27 for myself (I look older but we'll go with my real age). Molly while being one of the bravest and most caring people I've ever met seems to be as scared as I am about venturing back to school. We seem to be sharing the same worries and concerns. “What if I fail? What if I can't do it? What if....” There is an unending string of what if's. Molly in a relatively short amount of time have gotten extremely close. We share similar thoughts and feelings, I spend time at her home, have picked one of her children up at school before, I spend an insane amount of time at her home with her family. So much so that when her husband comes home from work the standard line of questions consists of “the kids home from school? Okay Preston here yet?” Molly and I believe that we were brought into each other's lives at the exact time to help each other through some difficult times. School for me and a personal matter with her. I feel as though we have become each other's rocks. A beacon in the storm that is our lives.

The other day I was reading through some of my past blog entries. I read a couple that I hadn't printed for the people at work yet, and got to thinking that it has been a while since I have dipped the quill in the proverbial ink and scribed some senseless blather onto this electronic forum of me. As I was reading through Ponderings I had forgotten a comment was left on that journal since I receive so few comments on my entries (I'd like to receive more!), so I clicked on it...not quite knowing what to expect or who it was from but it was obviously from someone that I would allow to publish a comment. As the screen loaded and the words formed in front of my eyes, I was not surprised that the note was left by Nick (http://xtraordinarymachine82.wordpress.com/). What the comment contained was something I had forgotten how special and profound it was. Nick and I have an unusual relationship. We were lovers first, then after the breakup, we are now amazing friends. We affect each other's writing and the process that goes into it. His comment touched me and helped reaffirm that I really am a great person who will succeed no matter what is thrown at him. With Molly being an exponentially stronger person than myself, I KNOW we can get through school together. Without a doubt in my mind we can and will succeed if for no other reason to say we did it, we did it with each other and the support of our loved ones. We are doing it, for ourselves.

SQUIRREL/CHICKEN (IM or email me and I'll explain):

I was chatting with a friend this morning and she asked me, “why do gay guys change their voices?” Curious, I inquired what she meant. She said that gay men have like 2 different voices. A straight voice and a gay voice. I have noticed this in even myself. I have my normal voice which is questionable and ambiguous as far as sexuality. And I have my straight voice which, when heard, there is no question in your mind about my sexuality...until you see me walk (HAHAHAHA). But this got me to thinking. Why do gay men have this stigma and have to have two different “voices”. Why must/do we continue to perpetuate a continued practice that no matter your sexuality your masculinity is not defined by simply being anatomically manufactured to be a man, but it is in fact determined by who you are perceived by others. If you have a feminine voice, girlish mannerisms, a swish to your walk, or limp wrists it is as if you are branded with a red hot iron directly to your forehead with the irrevocable and permanent stamp of “HOMO HERE! Hey girl heeeey!” I know I'm not the most “masculine” man in the world by society's definition, however, if you get to know me, you will learn I grew up in the middle of no where, I know how to work on cars, drive trucks, tractors, and raise cattle. I know many many “masculine” men out there whose knowledge about how to check the oil in their car could easily be doubled and threaded through the eye of a needle. God forbid these “men's men” be challenged to change a flat tire or change their own oil. Yet, the not-so-masculine guy writing this, can do all those. Has changed the tranny fluid on cars, even (with my brother) broke our farm tractor down to rebuild the transmission (you have to split the entire thing in half). It's funny how society puts labels on us based upon the first impressions and surface of what we see of someone. While I find it humorous this prejudice exists, I must engage in full self disclosure and admit that “straight acting” is a must have for me on the attributes my potential partner possesses. More than likely they won't have a clue how to do the things that I can with a car, truck, or whatever, but they must look and act like a straight man. It's just something that is a must have for me. I want us to be that couple that the neighbors say “oh yeah, their great guys” and not want or have to mention our sexuality because it's not called into question. While I like to think of myself is a more forward thinking and progressive gay man, I must also admit and profess my own subscriptions to selfish and societal stereotypical preferences. Sometimes forward thinking and progressive give way to the more traditional side. As the world moves closer to an ever more accepting notion of homosexuality and a general people are people no matter who they love, I fear that I will be left behind in the fear and closeted thinking that others don't want to or won't accept me because I wake up to a man.

Back to the roller coaster:

Bear fully in mind that this journal has taken some weeks to scribe into being so the thoughts may seem incongruous. Tonight as I was relaxing with friends relaying funny stories and anecdotes, my roller coaster took a more downward turn. While there are no longer hills so to speak there are gentle ups and downs along the way. I thought of how I feel alone currently. While I have skiboy some 10' (give or take) away from me, I still have a sense of solitude that is steadily growing to bother me more and more. I don't want to be without my love but at the same time I know this is something I must do. With my latest romantic interest taking an unexpected turn approximately a week in, I've noticed I either set myself up for a let down or they just seem to find me. Either way they need to stop. I must continue forth on my adventure no matter what curveballs are thrown at me. Lately as far as men, due to a string of either unsatisfying events or simply being ignored, I've developed the attitude of “fuck it! They're loss.” and move on. I refuse to put forth effort into something and get nothing in return. If after I have put forth my amount of effort I think is acceptable and I get nothing in return, I will simply stop, in the off chance that person comes back to me all the while not holding my breath or getting my hopes up.

The more I sit here and scrawl my thoughts and feelings into this forum the more I realize how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. I have Tracy who is one of the wisest people I've ever met. I have John, Molly, Terri, Ken, Kimmy, and Skiboy who are my family and are perhaps some of the most protective people I've ever met. A pack of angry pitbulls would be an accurate description. I have all my other friends and people I care about. Those that have gotten to know me and know that I have one of the biggest hearts a person can but I can still be a ruthless bitch when crossed. I have all these people in my life, a roof over my head, a car in the driveway, and a career path I am setting forth on. If it were not for the people in my life who have and are giving me the support that I need, I would not have any of this. The blessed mementos granted to each of us on a daily basis are truly things that must be cherished and appreciated for where they originate and their substance.

Though my roller coaster ride is still hopefully in its early stages on this adventure, things have smoothed, but there are still bumps, curves, and the occasional roll. We all encounter these. It's called life. And life is something to be loved, enjoyed, and lived to the fullest each and every day. I ask you to accept a task on my behalf. If I or anyone else you know seems to be unappreciative of the day they have been handed, remind them of the beauty that both they and the world around them contains. To return to an ending line I've used in the past, for all the bad remember, this too shall pass with time.

~Preston

Parental Longings

I’m noticing a trend these days among gay men, young and old. One I never really thought about. They have a parental longing…a desire to care for and nurture a baby and go on that life long grand adventure of being a father. The older I get the more I think about this. Up to this point I never wanted children being as I have eight nieces and nephews. I’ve done my duty with doody so to speak. Yet…as I age and mature, the idea of having kids doesn’t scare me as it once did. I suppose there are a number of contributing factors that have influenced me and swayed me towards the notion of considering being one of the paternal units of a beautiful baby. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Molly, who is quickly growing to be right up there with John and Skiboy on the friend level. Molly is a mother of three wonderful children. An oldest daughter and two sons with the youngest being four almost five. I see the joy in her and her husband Bill’s eyes as they care for their family. The fun that can be had while raising a bundle of joy and helping shape them into an upstanding functioning member of society. I’m particularly fond of her middle son who is one of the brightest young men I’ve ever met and whose potential is boundless. I look forward to seeing where he goes in life and the heights he will reach when he spreads his wings. It is this family and talking with friends and men who want to have kids, that sways me towards wanting children of my own. There are several men I know who can’t wait to have the SUV, loaded with ballet, hockey, and soccer gear to be piled into on a Saturday morning and then off to the races so to speak to get little Suzie to her dance recital, Billy to his hockey practice, and Johnny off to his soccer game. Constantly on the cell phone coordinating with their partner to get the kids picked up from one thing and off to the next and discussing what is to be made for dinner when they finally arrive back home or if they should just order a couple pizzas and put the kids to bed early so they can spend some time cuddling watching a movie.

The more I think about this scenario, the more it appeals to me. I’ve always wanted the perfect suburban life with my partner but never really thought about children until now. I hope that you, dear reader, will have some input here for me. If you have children, tell me your story.

I asked my boss, who is perhaps the coolest right wing republican straight guy I know, what he thought about gay couples adopting or having kids. His response was interesting. He said that he doesn’t believe a child by two fathers or two mothers, will have the growth benefit of having a heterosexual couple as their parents. At the same time, he said that there are lots of kids out there who need loving homes to be raised in and that he would rather see a child brought up by two loving people, be they straight or gay, than the situations they are currently enduring.

Having said that, it begs the question, a child of my own or to adopt? While I am sure a child of my own would be a wonderful thing, I’m undecided. Each comes with it’s benefits and downfalls. Will they have my charming personality (feel free to guffaw) and my dashing good lucks (again, feel free to chortle) or will they saddled with my genetic defects? It’s a roll of the DNA dice. With adopting there is the complete unknown but I may have potentially saved that child from a worse fate than my cooking.

Something to consider also is the psychological effects of being raised by two dads would have on a child. What ridicule would they face in school because they don’t have a mom? Instead of having Betty Crocker for a mom they have Billy Crocker making the cupcakes for the class Valentine’s Day party. The more I think about this and the more the world comes around to being accepting of gays, the more I believe that these things will not be an issue. Also how does one answer the question that will inevitably escape a babe’s lips, why don’t I have a mommy like Austin? “Well you have two daddies who love you very much and that’s better than….” Than what? Is it better than having a mommy and a daddy? Probably even keel there. It’s got to be better than having only a mommy or only a daddy right? It’s definitely better than having no mommy or daddy at all. What if little Austin has two parents who are as happy and loving as Molly and Bill? I’m not sure I could top that one since they are amazing parents.

As I write this, I think about who my partner will be…what will he want? Invariably it seems if there is a mutual interest between someone and myself, he wants children someday. It goes without saying this is something we will have to discuss at great length.

Who knows though. Maybe someday I won’t just be Auntie Preston, but I will be Daddy Preston.

Roots

Middle America

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the bug to write. I generally flow forth with inspirational and insightful commentary only when faced with an obstacle or some sort of stress. Today I read a note posted on Facebook by a dear friend of mine. His name is Nathan. He is originally from the Northwest Ohio area but now lives in Ft. Lauderdale. This past weekend he came home to visit and while I didn’t have a chance to see him and spend time with him as I would’ve liked, I did read something he wrote about his home. About his roots. His passion and conviction with which he expressed his pride and admiration for his upbringing and heritage moved me literally to tears. I’m very thankful I know this young man. With his permission, I am going to share his writing. I could not express in any better terms how both he and I feel regarding the lands from which we came.

From Nathaniel A. Brunner:

I am home…These are my thoughts. They are a little jumbled and I pay little regard to being grammatically correct. For the sake of saying important I let them flow out as if I were speaking them.

Jason recently made the comment, “We may be living in South Florida, but we are only here on loan. We are and will always be Midwest boys.”

Many of you know that I flew home a few days ago to celebrate my birthday and Memorial Day with my family. Little known at the time that I was packing my bags and dealing with the shattered glass of my car that was broken into did I realize how desperately I needed this trip. I needed to come home to be reminded of where I come from, who I am, where I am going…and why I need to remember my past. This place is so beautiful. Not because it has sweeping mountain vistas or jungle foliage. Not because of beautiful cityscapes or sandy beaches. This place is beautiful because it simply is what it is. Its unpretentiously, unlavishly (I made up that word), unsoiled middle America. The people that inhabit these green plains aren’t seeking fame or fortune…they simply exist to be who they are. To go to work to build a fulfilling life for themselves and their families. They are unwaveringly loyal to their country and their community and while they fight amongst themselves they are fiercely protective of what they have built together. They are my community.

Since I’ve been home I’ve gotten to enjoy the subtle reminders of why I love the place I come from. There is something special about watching a community come together to remember and honor those who fought and sacrificed for their nation. There is something to be said for the pride that wells up inside me as I listen to my mom give a speech…watch the heads of my young niece and nephew bow as they flinch to the barrage of the 21 gun salute…for the chills that run up and down your spine when you hear taps being played. There is something special about realizing that you don’t care about the sour notes of the band because the band isn’t important. What is important is that schools still value the need for memorializing its heroes so much that the send their student bands all over the country side to play over and over and over for services for fallen soldiers. There is something said to be from a place that when the marching band and honor guard walk back to their drop site at a local parking lot…all the cars stop and the people in Burger King stand and put their hands over their hearts.

The other night I went for a walk with my mom…we went to pay our respects at the family plot and then walked around and remembered all of our friends and family that lay entombed there. I took off my shoes and felt the cool damp grass under my feet. I haven’t done that for years. In 5 days I’ve taken over 200 pictures in a vain attempt to take this time and place home with me to Florida. While I sit here waiting for the clock to say its time to leave for the airport I know deep down inside it will be hard to leave. Since I’ve been home I’ve shared lunch with a publisher (he does my mom’s stuff) who was so passionate about literature and shares insight and conversation about this place and these people, faith, religion, journeys. Last night I sat with my mom and another friend who, to most, would seem “so out there” but who has an energy that literally grabs you by the shirt collar and drags you along whether you want to or not. I’ve gone drinking with friends that I’ve known for a few years…and sat around a campfire with “family” I’ve known for a lifetime. We didn’t have a theme for our party or order catering…we had hot dogs and pudgy pies over the fire…and laughed about kids and life. We had uncomplicatedly uncomplicated fellowship. I got in the car and just drove…and drove…and drove.

I learned about all that is going on here. The struggles as the people here trying to hold on to their lives…while political policies and economic changes try to rip them apart. I’ve heard horror stories of companies closing…and listened to stories shared about who got laid off last week and fear that they might be next. The victims of a world that forgets that just mere survival is not a game, but a life match against odds. I came home to see my precious middle America full of these wonderful people trying to keep trudging forward despite the black eye and broken limbs that recession has dealt them. These people, however, move forward together as a community that isn’t giving up, because they know that wealth is not measured in a Bentley or Rolls Royce in the front yard, but rather my their ability to hold on to one another. I came home to be reminded that the odds will never out weight human spirit.

I come from a place where the last time a police officer was killed in the line of duty was over a century ago…and the community is coming together to make sure that he is remembered the with the respect he should be. Local businesses and struggling individuals (and a prodigal son) coming together to donate money to make sure his gravesite is protected. I stood and spoke with a women who’s daughter was killed in a horrific fire, but her ability to smile and move forward was amazing. She was doing her best to accept the loss and find a way to make other people’s lives better…in her I understand God. In her I understood that the human spirit is an amazing thing and that its stronger than we think.

Tonight I fly back to Fort Lauderdale. Jason will pick me up and tomorrow I’ll go back to work. The freshness will wear off and before I know it I will be back to my routine. Maybe that’s how its supposed to be. It makes me remember why this is home and how important it is to return here often. To lend my support spiritually and emotionally to these people because this is my tribe.

I am…after all…only on loan.

Ponderings

While I sit here getting my day started at work, occasionally sipping my morning coffee trying to clear my mind of the sleepy fog that encompasses us all when we first awaken, I wonder what life has in store. I ponder what this grand adventure we are all on holds for each of us…my friends, my family, all my loved ones. I expound in my mind’s eye what twists and turns may be thrown at us.

Slowly I have drifted apart from some friends while getting closer to others. I gain a new understanding and a new appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. People who I would’ve never thought I would hold in my inner sanctum have become my closest confidants. With each person who comes into our lives we must glean something from each one and take the life lesson that was meant to be and make it a part of ourselves. These truths have proven themselves to be self evident in each and every situation I’ve encountered. Some have taught me that I need to be more of an adult. Others have taught me that the only person we can truly count on is our self. And still more have shown me that with heartache and longing, there is always a reason and a silver lining to everything.

One of the people who knew the old me the best, one of my exes, the one who I had the longest relationship with, said something rather profound. I am unsure if he realizes the prolific impact that simple statement had on me. He jokingly said at the demise of my last relationship, “You’re just not meant to be in a relationship.” Could this be the case? Could it possibly be that I’m not meant to find “the one”? Some of my friends have paired off into their lifelong partnerships while still others have not. We still get together and have our fun and rebellious times but they aren’t as frequent and are usually more mundane as we reach “respectable adult” ages. Through these times I have to admit I find myself thinking “when in the hell did we grow up?!” Last night as I was preparing myself to retire to much needed slumber, I typed up a new away message. One which, once completed, I realized how profound a statement it was. "As I lay my head upon my pillow, I hope for blissful dreams, of peace and happiness. I hope for someone with whom there will be mutual desire, caring, and passion. I hope to be granted only that which is the heart's greatest desire in the only place it can be found...my dreams." I sent this statement to a couple of online friends, and both had the same response. “Wow that’s beautiful, where did you find it?” When I told them that I had written it just now as an away message they were both astonished I was capable of such prose. Could it be this is truly the only place where we can find the one we truly desire is within ourselves? Within our own heart? I’ve contemplated this statement and while I still don’t yet grasp its true meaning, even though I am its author, I believe it to be true. We’ve all heard the cliché expression “you can’t truly love another until you first love yourself.” As the words flowed forth from my finger tips onto the screen, is when a realization hit me that finally I understand that this concept means. To find love, one must look within oneself prior to searching for another to share our life with. True contentment can only come from within.

Recently I have had a couple of gentlemen interested in a romantic entwinement. While they both are over qualified for husband material, I am not ready to have my “one”. I am on a journey of self discovery and improvement at this point. I will be returning to school as an older adult returning to something I should’ve accomplished when I was younger. If I meet my “one” he will have to wait for me to be ready. If he’s not then he’s not my “one”. Love should happen on its own and shouldn’t be forced yet it’s not something to be frightened by. Just a few minutes ago a friend from long ago in my past messaged me stating that if he is going to date someone then they have to be perfect or he gets annoyed and shuts down the ride. He asked me why that is, how he can change that. My response was simple. Stop looking for perfection in a person, and keep your eyes open for your perfect match. You will be two different people with two different sets of traits, characteristics and quirks. And even though some of these things may annoy you to an extent where a breakup may not be an option but murder is, you learn to love these quirks as part of that person.

Lately for myself my singularity seems to be my constant companion and that is precisely where I want to be. I have my friends. I have my family. I have my loved ones and that is all I desire. The journey I have set forth will be a long one. One with trials and tribulations but in the end it will all be worth it. One day I will find my one. One day I will love him unconditionally. One day life will be as close to perfection as it will ever be. One day.

Preston

The Plan

This isn’t one of my more existential blogs where I go on and on about humanity and life…this is an update for everyone about the plans for my life. It has a certain sense of finality if I put it in writing.

2009 – pay myself out of debt.
2010 – early 2010 pay my car off.
2010 – Fall of 2010 start to school.
2010 – 2013 – School. (we’ll see if it takes me 3 years)
2013 – post graduation, seek employment in Oklahoma and move to OKC or somewhere closer to my folks.

I know some of you may be glad to be rid of me and 2013 won’t be soon enough. At the same time I know some of you will miss me terribly. BUT we have 4 years to live it up and make the most of it!

Peace

On this quiet Sunday evening, I find myself having a sense of peace. A calm which has not been bestowed upon me in what seems like forever by the prevailing forces in my life. An evening of quiet reflection on my goals and plans in life. In my last blog I wrote that I have now set myself on a path to become debt free which, if strictly adhered to over the next few months, will allow me to set forth on another adventure I've been wanting to do for some time. It would allow me to announce a hiatus from the volunteer work I do at the Toledo Rep in order to pursue a degree. Something which has been the source of a significant amount of self admonishment. As I sit here and gaze unceasingly at the budget I have laid out for myself, carefully documenting every penny I spend as to keep myself afloat, I feel not overwhelmed or under duress about the task in front of me but a sense of accomplishment. A feeling that I alone can do this and I alone will be the one responsible for bettering myself. I have one person to thank for triggering me to take up this task and proceed forth. For giving me the sense of clarity I needed to see exactly how to tackle this road in front of me. My former partner. If it had not been for our relationship and its demise my mind's eye would not have been able to decipher this road which I must tread. Everything in life is presented to teach us a lesson and we must take away from that experience a valuable lesson. And from this experience I have gleaned one fact that is perhaps the most valuable of all...the fact I am a GREAT person who can and will go on no matter what is thrown at him and I will live my life as thought I'm a role model.

Along with this sense of peace comes with an almost selfish sense of self awareness. I can no longer care for others while sacrificing my own well being. There are now going to be times when I will sincerely have to respond with “I'm sorry but I can't right now, I need some me time.” This in no form means that I do not want to listen or help, it simply means I need to take care of myself before I can be in a place mentally or physically to help you.

As I am taking this more self centered approach to my life and well being, it is those which are closest to me that are my greatest assets. Each of you know who you are and I can't thank you enough for helping to encourage and understand this is something that is both difficult and necessary.

I mentioned above that I will have to take a hiatus from The Toledo Rep and the thespian arts for a period of time while I undertake this seemingly massive task of change. This season and the two shows I am working this summer (“All Shook Up” and “The Full Monty”) will likely be the last two shows I am participating with. While I know this will sadden some, there will probably be some who will be indifferent to it or even glad I'm out of the theatre. The performing arts have always been something I greatly enjoyed taking part in and partaking of so this needed hiatus does sadden me but once I have accomplished what I need to accomplish I am certain I will be back with an even greater hand in things. Or at least that is my sincerest hope. We shall cross that bridge when we get to it.

After having spoken with my mother this evening in regards to the events and the changes in my life I must make and now have a map to arrive at the desired end result, my sense of purpose and determination is ever more reinforced to an immeasurable extent. As I sit here extolling my thoughts feelings and goals into a series of 1's and 0's which will be transmitted, transferred, and eventually translated into a form which is readable to our human eyes, I can't help but think of all the years I've wasted not on others but on myself. The years that have passed by so quickly leaving me sitting here at the age of 27, almost 28, wondering why I haven't done more with my life. Then the not startling realization comes to me as if it were the pink elephant in the corner of the room no one wants to talk about. The realization that I knew all along I was wasting myself on such trivial things as one who is desperate to hold onto his youth does. All the while knowing what I had to do but choosing to block it out as if it were a forbidden memory of an act so horrible that it must be repressed to the point of mental torture. I know now what I must do. It is clear and present and stands in front of me as if it were that said pink elephant demanding to be dealt with. Much like any problem if put off long enough it will grow and fester into something that is beyond all control. I feel as though I awakened to what must be done just within the nick of time. Had I not I am certain things would be currently growing into a festering behemoth only the likes of which congress could create.

I'm sure EVERYONE is familiar with the story of David and Goliath. As the small David stood before the giant Goliath, he had but his sling and stone to challenge the incumbent. I wonder if David felt a sense of peace as he stood before this giant knowing exactly what he must do and how it must be done in order to bring Goliath to his knees. While I know this is not anything reasonably close in comparison, it is the most accurate illustration that came to mind. I feel as though I am but this small man trying to attack a monumental task. And while I don't have the tools to take this lummox immediately to its knees, I have a plan to take it down completely even if only a minute amount at a time.

And this too shall pass with time seems to be resonating in my ears as I enjoy this moment of peace.

~Preston

Movement

Movement

As I sit here at my computer at 4:48am on the morning of Saturday 4/4/2009, I read through some things on myspace and facebook and I was struck with a not so startling realization. People are fake. Not just one in particular, not just some, but each and every person on the face of the earth has moments when they're fake. Some do it out of spite or hurt. Some do it out of the desire to not hurt others. Some just do it because it's simply fun. Unfortunately to those who simply one the truth in their lives, this skews the line between truth and fiction making it even more difficult to sort out what is truth and what is simply a completely fabricated lie to save face and cover one's own short comings. In the past I have been accused of things that the accuser was guilty of not me. All I have to say to anyone engaging in this, the truth will come out. Lies will be caught. And eventually Karma will be a far bigger bitch than I will ever have to be.

Recently, as my last relationship ended rather abruptly because something was said that I won't tolerate, I was told on more than one occasion that I “have moved on already...” and there was much more to it that I'd rather not get into. This appears to be one prime example of someone accusing me of something that the accuser is guilty of not me. While I have not even had one date, and it's not for a lack of offers, I read things from this person and it's pretty evident that he is the one who has moved on. I do, however, wish him the best of luck in life and hope he will be happy in the future with someone who is more compatible.

As many of you know, last November I made a move that has perhaps been the best I move I could've ever made in my life. I moved out of my own apartment and into Palazzo D'Skiboy. While I know some of you are thinking “how can this have been a good move for him” since I've been continually broke, there is a reason for that. Each and every year I make a New Year's Resolution to become debt free that year. Each and every year I fail to accomplish this goal. This year, this move will enable me to pay myself out of debt except for my car by the end of September 2009. Yes that's right I said paid out of debt except for my car by September 2009. My car will be paid off sometime in 2010 and a significant chunk of each paycheck will be going into high yield savings and/or money market. We'll see when we cross that bridge. BUT all this will come to fruition by living on a very small budget that is possible because of me moving in with Skiboy as well as tracking and planning everything down to the penny. So, all in all, I'm sorry boys and girls that I can't be doing more fun things, but I'm trying to get myself situated in life where I can go back to school and actually better my life. In the mean time, I will not be dating anyone, and I'm sorry to those of you who are interested but I must continue on and adhere rigidly to this path if I'm ever going to accomplish my goals in life.
With all this having been said, feel free to chat me up

AIM: Socialites1
YAHOO: sinn95

~Preston

UPDATE!

SOOOOOOOOO

So boys and squirrels it’s time for the update. Those of you, who know me, know I’ve been a bit busy the past 3 months or so…hence the reason I haven’t updated my journal in a while. BUT it’s time to start that again since I have more time on my hands. I was seeing someone in Detroit, which didn’t work out for various reasons which I’m not going to get into here. Long story short, I’m single again and I’m going to stay that way for a good long while.

Skiboy and I are doing well in the living arrangements. I don’t cook, or at least can’t until the stove is hooked up, but dear Skiboy seems to be a master at making some fabulous meals with an electric skillet, crock pot, microwave, and a toaster oven! I never knew one could do so much with out a stove. My hats off to you Sir Skiboy, servant of Higgins and cuddler of Giles.

The kittehs seem to have taken to me pretty well. I think Higgins has a soft spot (or more) for me. I seem to have a knack for scratching his head in juuuust the right spot to make him go into a kitteh coma. Giles being the lover will let one hold him for hours on end and Saffy kitteh is truly a scardy cat so I don’t get a chance to hold her much (I have yet to do so). It’s kind of nice seeing the kittehs meander around the house and also curl up on my bed J. It’s calming when Higgins hops on my lap and makes his 18lb self comfy while I chat or watch TV. What can I say…I’m quite fond of the chirrens and they seem to have adopted me.

Other things in my life seem to be pretty well on track. Finances are steadily improving. The next three weeks will pretty tight but after that I should be sitting relatively ok to start paying some crap off. In about a year I’m thinking that I may be just about debt free, or at least that is the goal. It just takes me sticking to my budget to get it all accomplished.

Onward to other things…work has been going well for me lately. My boss and I are still getting along pretty smashingly as long as I don’t royally screw something up. Even then he doesn’t yell TOO much but I certainly get the point he’s pissed and I should only answer in “yes sir” and “no sir”. It’s nice working for someone who has confidence in me that I’m not constantly screwing something up. He should be anyway considering I’ve been doing this job for 2.5 years now. In another 2.5 years (god it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long) I will get another week vacation time giving me 120 hours of vacation. SO what that means is, Kimmy, John, Molly, and Ken better be ready for some real damn vacations! I haven’t been on a real vacation…well…ever! So it’s time for some road trips bitches! I am hoping to be able to go see my family this summer around my birthday as usual. But again, funds are going to be snug even 3 months from now (damn debt). So we will see how things pan out.

I figure this summer I am going to spend a little time dragging Skiboy around the lake (hence his name). It’s funny…I never knew his real name until like a year or more after I had met him. It’s a closely guarded secret. Hell even when I write rent checks to him, I have to stop myself from writing “Skiboy” on the pay to the order of line.

Allergies have kicked into high gear already this year. Hopefully they will be done in a few days like always. It sucks dirty monkey nutz like a Hoover on a rampage. And for those of you who have ever seen a Hoover on a rampage, you know what I’m talking about…it ain’t pretty.

NOW with all that having been typed in approximately 10 to 15 minutes I must get back to my actual job duties not giving you peeps fodder for later discussion.

Peace love and chicken hawking or whatever the saying is!

~Preston

The Persuit of Cookies

I thought that would get your attention. Now that I have you enthralled by the title of this post it’s time for some updates. As of 12/13/2008 I am no longer a single man *does a little dance, makes a little love, gets down tonight* hehehe. I have found perhaps the most wonderful man on the face of the earth except for the having to avoid him in the mornings LOL. (He’s not a morning person…AT ALL. Even his mom agrees) So far 2009 seems to be off to a pretty good start. There is light at the end of the tunnel financially. I’m almost caught up on everything and ready to start paying some stuff off and trust me there is a lot to pay off. Living with Skiboy has been quite a pleasurable adventure. He and I get along well and have similar interests. The children seem to have taken a liking to me as well. I know this because of the extraordinary amount of fur I seem to have on my clothes these days which reminds me I need to invest one of those roller tapey things that takes fur off things. (Shiny squirrel moment ahead) Also I need to do the dishes and refoil one of the little baking pans for the toaster oven and change out the existing one, do some laundry tonight and actually fold and hang what’s already done.

On to more existential things. Lately I have been logging the miles on my car going back and forth to Detroit to visit aforementioned amazing young man (<3 him!). There’s back story to that but I won’t get into that here. I need to have some work done to my car which is going to be rather expensive and going to leave me w/o a mode of transportation for a big while I have the timing belts and water pump replaced. If I don’t get this wonderfully expensive preventative maintenance done, my glorious run forever Honda will inevitably turn into a large beautiful black paperweight. So I’ve been toying with the idea since I’m pretty much even on my car as far as the loan, with getting an upgrade. But at the same time I only have another 2 years to pay on it and then I OWN my black beauty. Of course I’d trade it in on a newer Honda whose resale values are currently rivaling that of gold and plutonium. I’d like to find a nice newer coupe much like mine, loaded like mine, with a manual transmission. Oh how I long for the days of having a clutch. Decisions decisions. Of course I know what I will do, have the work done on my car, keep it till the wheels fall off then eventually get another Honda. Hopefully a brand new one.

Lately I’ve been pondering the thought of children. While I myself have never wanted kids since I have 8 nieces and nephews some of which I helped raise, the love of my life and keeper of my heart wants to have children. Now you all know me and life long commitments besides to the one. So yeah I’m a little nervous that I may one day want kids but I’m almost 30 and have yet to have a paternal longing. While I know kids can be the greatest joy in one’s life I don’t know if I’m ready to start the venture. I mean I don’t have a degree, don’t make a lot of money, and frankly the older I get the more I discover I’m a dumbass. My parents who are perhaps the wisest people I know, had 3 sons with me being the youngest and now have 8 grandchildren. Do they want more? Probably but I don’t know. In any event we have a lot to determine and sort through before we ever think of venturing down the road of dual fatherhood. One of my main concerns is how is a child going to explain “this is my dad Preston and my other dad Mike.” I don’t know what emotional scarring that would do to a child. At the same time I’ve seen kids who were raised by a gay HIV+ single dad (he had them with his ex-wife who is now a lesbian) and they turned out perfectly fine. It’s just things to consider when starting out on the grand and life long adventure of parenthood.

On a personal note, as some of you know, I was not out to my dad. Having carried the burden of keeping this secret from him for 10 years I thought it high time to tell him even though the rest of the family requested I not do so. So Christmas of 2008 seemed to be the time to me. A little setup to the story: my rather being some 65 years old, and a very southern man who doesn’t agree with much on the liberal side of things, collects guns and knives. He’s never photographed and cataloged his gun collection before so he enlisted my help while I was there in cataloging his valuables. He and I were alone and this would probably be the only time I would have to tell him my gut wrenching secret. The last bit of information he didn’t know about his youngest son. As we finished up and I packed away the last of the guns and the camera I asked him, “Dad, ya ever wonder why I never brought any girls home?” He responded with an almost painful “yeah.” Sensing the foreboding he was feeling I asked if he wanted to know why. When he said “go ahead” I certainly didn’t expect it. “Well dad, I’m gay.” And there it was. It was out in the open and there for him to absorb and contemplate. Fearing his reaction and the thought that I would not be allowed to spend Christmas or anymore of my life with my family I waited with baited breath for his response. It came in the form of a tone that only a southern father/grandfather can have. “Yeah, I figured. I figured it out a long time ago and was just waiting for you to tell me.” I asked him with much relief if he had any questions about it and yet another flooring response came from this now gentle grandfather. “It’s the way you’re made, nothing you or I can do about it.” It amazes me how someone who has never knowingly been around men or women of the homosexual persuasion, knew and understood that this is not something I chose but it is in fact how I’m (for lack of a better term) wired. This from a man who I would never have expected to even have a grasp of the concept that a man could love another man in a romantic way. I don’t know if he sought advice over the last 10 years from one or more of his peers or family members but that he still loves me unconditionally as a father always will and that he was accepting of the one part of me I kept hidden from him for so long has, on more than one occasion since, brought me to tears. Both tears of sadness that I waited so long to tell him and tears of joy for how loving he really is. As many of you know this was something that would hold me back from introducing them to my lover or from even being my true self around my family. Now I can do both without fear of retribution or retaliation.

With all of that having been scrawled into the permanence of the internet and there for posterity’s sake, I would like to close with this. I can write a post with a title having NOTHING to do with the content! HAHAHA

Peace, love, and BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW!

~Preston

Another Chapter

Well dear readers as I’m sure a lot of you know this past weekend I wrote the ending sentence & put the final period into another chapter of my life. A chapter which, as so many of them are, was fraught with pain, struggle, heart break, and tears. Tears of both sadness and of joy. Tears which were necessary to be shed for me to have a happier life overall. This past weekend I ended my reign of independence I have so enjoyed for so very long. I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend as a roommate.

Since I moved from my parent’s at the age of 18 I have always lived on my own or with my lover at the time. I have never had the right of passage that comes with having a roommate. Although I think this situation will be one that will over all be a wonderful one, it is still yet uncharted territory for me. While my independence has been somewhat limited now due to a new codependence on someone for financial reasons, this foreign territory for me has already afforded me a new found freedom. As I write this post in black pen on a Boeing 757-251 bound for Fort Lauderdale, Florida I have to think that if I were to live on my own or be with a lover I wouldn’t have been able to accept this trip. This opportunity to see friends and people I consider family. A trip so graciously made possible by one of the kindest men I have ever met in my life.

Having just had a lovely exchange with one of the male flight attendants onboard named Wes. (A rather handsome man I might add.) I feel a new lease on life has begun. Skiboy and * thus far seem to be quite a match for roommates. Similar interests and a resounding fact I stay gone for extended periods of time due to first one thing and then 10,000 others. If any of you saw the schedule I posted on myspace, you know that October and November were and continue to be very hectic months between travels, love interest, theatre, and work. I have barely had time to say hello to any of my closest friends let alone take time to do any resting. For example the past month. Tech week then open then taking care of someone very special to me who is having health problems. The following week was filled with work, then performances, very limited time with friends, then more time with said special someone. The following week was more work, then Wednesday was “girls night in” with Kimmy and Molly, Thursday work and performance, Friday packing and performance then out with Kimmy, then home (drunk) to do more packing and get ready to move Saturday. Mind you the entire move had to be completed Saturday! There was no other option for a day or date to move. Everything had to be in the new place by 6pm on Saturday 11/22/08. After having postponed the start time of the move by four (4) hours, my help showed at the new designated time and we commenced. The move was completed by 4pm Saturday 11/22/08 thanks to the immeasurable help provided by dear friends and despite being stood up for help by a couple of others (you know who you are). Sunday, mandatory work due to thanksgiving. So with work Sunday out of the way, Sunday evening was spent cleaning the old apartment. Monday was work obviously, and then pick up the last of the cleaning supplies and taking out the trash at the old apartment THEN starting to organize the common areas of the new digs. Tuesday after work was spent getting the aforementioned special someone situated for the weekend while I would be away. Today is now Wednesday 11/26/08 and I have worked and am now on a plane for a holiday in the sun with dear friends. The end of this trip will mark the end of November, a month so racked with travel, activities, and general hubbub and hullabaloo. I am looking forward to December with weekends spent with friends and family. A time to relax. A time to start another chapter. A chance to scrawl the beginning lines of another chapter in the story that is the rest of my life.

Each day I’m given is a new lease on life. Each day is something that I am becoming increasingly thankful to have been given. There are many times I get down on myself or my life and think things are just so damned busy and I can’t seem to catch up or get ahead or rest. I have learned a philosophy from the continually mentioned “special someone. That being, when you think how bad things are for you, just remember that things are always worse for someone else somewhere.

I’ve mentioned my father in past posts, his disability, and how he has never let the fact he can’t walk ever hinder or keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. I told this story to this special someone and he said “wow see that is something that reminds that things could always be worse.” While I am happy someone so special to me could draw inspiration from my family…from the same person whom I draw inspiration from, I am unsure if he realizes how that comment came across. My father and my family are very proud people and I love them very dearly. My father’s disability is not something that is something to be pitied or even thought of as worse. My dad has led a full life and his disability is just another thing about him. Just like the fact that I’m gay isn’t my entire identity or but is a part or description or merely an adjective to describe me. Paraplegic is much the same for my father.

For everyone out there who reads this and actually seems to enjoy it (why I can’t fathom), remember that each chapter of your life is a direct result of how you write it. Each chapter is what you make of it. So take the proverbial pen to hand, accept the task of writing your own destiny and write yourself a life story that you will be happy with. Perhaps a life story so grand that everyone will think of you and wonder how you did it. Perhaps a life story that is modest and happy. Your life story is what YOU write it as. Take the pen, take control, make your life what you want it, and remember only you can change who you are or what is wrong in your life to make it for the better.

~Preston

Change is a comin'

It’s been eight days since I’ve made a journal entry. I thought I’d do a little one to let everyone know how things are going in my little corner of the world.

As of this morning I started a new medication that hopefully will remedy an ongoing problem I’ve been having. YAY for that! Also this morning I stepped down to the 7mg patch in the adventure of quitting smoking. Yes that’s right folks, I’m quitting smoking yet again and this time it has been much easier than I had anticipated. Two weeks on this tiny little patch then I’m free! During this process I haven’t gained any additional weight, as a matter of fact, I’ve lost a couple pounds which brings us to our next topic, my body. I will soon be joining a gym or going to school or both depending on how crap goes. I have to get some questions resolved first. I’m currently at 156 pounds. I want to weigh around 190 and be built like a brick shithouse. So that’s the next thing on my list of personal improvements to make.

I am moving this Saturday and I desperately need boxes. I think I’m going to have to resort to snagging some from work in order to make the move. Casa de Skiboy HERE I COME! Moving will be an adventure. We have to figure out exactly what is going where when I move. May have to finagle a few things around once we’re in but all in all I think we’ll be fine.

Work is going okay. No major surprises or developments there.

Love life can be summed up in one word…CONFUSION!

So feel free to leave me some love! That means you better leave me some love damn it.

~Preston

Complacency

Each and every time I hear of someone fighting for one cause or another, I often ask myself, “Do I want to get involved in this?” Sadly the far too frequent answer I find myself is “no I really don’t.” Whether it be because I don’t want to cause waves or I don’t have time for a cause or I simply don’t have the energy to put forth I find myself complacent and content in my own little world. I go to work, I come home, I pursue love…it’s my routine. On November 4th, 2008 I heard of something that I never thought I’d hear. I heard the state of California approved proposition 8. When talking with one of my straight friends about the ramifications this has and how it saddens me that if the state of California can’t keep the state out of gay marriage then there must be little to no hope for the rest of the states, he posed the question “well does this amendment allow for civil unions? A compromise of sorts where the religious right can have something and gays can have something?” I researched Prop 8 and read the entirety of this proposition. I was shocked and dismayed that it was less than a paragraph. The actual verbiage to be added to the California state constitution is ONE (1) sentence! The power one sentence has on an entire minority in society never really struck until that very moment. One sentence has no obliterated all hope for people like me, people who are gay, to be able to share the same rights afforded to those of the heterosexual persuasion. Below is the entirety of proposition 8 courtesy of www.voterguide.sos.ca.gov.

PROPOSITION 8
This initiative measure is submitted to the people in accordance with the
provisions of Article II, Section 8, of the California Constitution.
This initiative measure expressly amends the California Constitution by
adding a section thereto; therefore, new provisions proposed to be added are
printed in italic type to indicate that they are new.
SECTION 1. Title
This measure shall be known and may be cited as the “California Marriage
Protection Act.”
SECTION 2. Section 7.5 is added to Article I of the California Constitution,
to read:
SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized
in California.

I watched a video from Keith Olbermann from MSNBC. I think he summed up our position and why we want equal rights very succinctly. While chatting with the aforementioned straight friend, I mentioned the past struggles of other groups for equal rights. Women, blacks, etc. Roughly 50% of our population is made up of women; they achieved equal rights before blacks. Blacks at the time made up a smaller percentage of the populous and the struggle for equal rights for blacks took even longer. Up until the 1960’s and even 70’s in some places. Gay’s make up (last statistic I heard) rough 10% of the populous. As a result our fight has taken even longer, and will take longer yet to achieve the same rights of marriage. The percentage of the populous that the minority fighting for equal rights makes up is directly proportionate to the length of time they must fight and struggle to achieve said rights. The struggle and fight for equal rights takes not only just those who are outspoken enough to stand up and be called radical nuts, but a community effort. We all have to pull together and fight for the rights we want and deserve.

Being the only gay person in the place where I work, I have found out several people’s views on gay marriage and surprisingly some did have the courage to tell me what they really thought on the issue. Some were flat out against it for ridiculous reasons. The view it’s sacrilegious was one. The ability for people of the same sex to defraud companies (insurance policies) and the government (taxes) for money was another. I couldn’t help but laugh literally in the face of these arguments as I turned each and every one around and perforated them with holes so numerous they could hold no more water than a sieve. While I know I didn’t change anyone’s mind I did make them think. What if the heterosexual community were in the minority? What if they were the ones who were told that they can’t be married because it’s against whatever religious text you chose to read? What if they were the ones that were denied the chance at for committed, legally binding, happiness? I look back on how many failed marriages I have seen and how many marriages I have seen endured because the couple didn’t see a way out or they had children. I look back and I see that in my own family both my brothers have been divorced and remarried. Yet I will probably never be afforded that right to even have a chance at wedded bliss.

At the same time I have spoken sometimes at length about the issue with gay friends. Some are very much for gay marriage; they want to go out and hold signs and petition the senators and various entities for help in the fight. While others, are more complacent…more “laid back” if you prefer. They tend to think “well I don’t think I’m a marriage type” or “I don’t want to get married so why should I fight for that right?” It pains me to hear of our own community having these views. There is no sense of the greater good. Personally, I don’t know if I want to get married. I honestly could probably live my life with my partner (once I find him) whom I would love and cherish with every fiber of my being without the pomp and circumstance of being married. But for the government to step in and enact legislation that limits its citizens' life, their liberty, and their ability to pursue happiness is a defamation and affront to the very foundation our nation was established on. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” – The Declaration of Independence, Congress July 4, 1776.

We as a nation and a community must stand up and take notice of the rights of the gay community which are being trodden upon. We as a nation and a community must stand up and unite for what we believe in. We as a nation and a community must not stand idly by in our own complacency while there are entire groups that are denied the same rights and privileges afforded others. Stand up, speak out, take a stance, and live for something! Strive for a higher purpose…for the greater good and betterment of our society.

~Preston

The World As We Know It, See It, and Want It To Be

A little less than a year ago, I posted a blog expressing my concerns on the increasingly rapid degradation of the state of our world. The direct link to that post is http://prestontatum.blogspot.com/2007/11/time.html Yesterday was a truly historic event in our country and our world. One in which I hope with all sincerity and earnest that my generations and the others involved made the right decision. A decision which will help to place the country on a course to return to grander times. Or maybe even help us march forward to a time where everyone is truly equal…the sustainable utopia mentioned in my previous post. In any event, the ballots have been cast, the quick votes have been tabulated, and even if there is some egregious error in the initial reporting, I don’t believe it will be one on such a magnitude as that of Bush/Gore in 2000 some eight years ago.

My experiences in exercising my civic duty as a registered voter in the United States of America have been varied. I have vote in now three presidential elections. The first of which was the aforementioned Bush/Gore debacle of 2000. Having just turned 18 I was very excited to let my opinion be known via my ballot. I marched into the polling location, showed my ID and voter registration card and filled out my ballot. I chose what issues and taxes I wanted to pass or fail. I chose what local candidates I wanted to see in office. I even chose what person I thought best to lead my country. At the time being so young and naïve I chose George W. Bush. Yes you can hold me partially responsible for the current state of country since I am one of the millions who voted for what some call the anti-christ for his first term. As I’ve grown older, and I’d like to think somewhat wiser, my views on politics, though seldom discussed or expressed, have changed and grown into what they are today. I fervently believe the religious right has no authority to tell me how I can live my life or whom I can be married to. I also believe that we are free to express our opinions and views without fear of punishment because of the groundwork our forefathers laid some 221 years ago and the continuing effort of our armed forces who keep our country free and our land safe. I believe in a world united and full of peace. I believe also that sometimes a belief may be so strong that action must be taken and at times, that action must be radical. While I do not condone violence, I believe we should not simply roll over or back down when attacked. I believe the United States should not be the world police, taking it’s young men and women on “peace keeping” missions to the far reaches of the world unless absolutely necessary. Our ever vigilant occupation of foreign soils I believe must be curtailed and people the world over should be allowed to live free; free from oppression by a religious right, free from oppression period. Our allies should step up and assist in each and every way. The US, being the youngest of the world super powers is overzealous in it’s pursuit of democracy and equality for all even though, we are not a democracy. (For those of you who know a little about the definitions of government, you know what I’m talking about). I could prattle on for quite an extended period of time on this subject but I won’t. I will spare you the anguish of reading all of that.

I sincerely hope that the elections results, having a young democratic president and a democratic congress, will help to take this country in the direction it needs to be taken. Towards that sustainable utopian existence. A country and a world which I can be proud to pass on to the children of today. One which I can proudly say, I cast my vote for the leader who started it all.

~Preston

Mirrors

A common household object that is also a metaphor for looking inside oneself. As of late I have had the unsettling feeling of looking into a mirror and wondered exactly who was looking back at me because it wasn’t me. Maybe another facet of my personality, maybe I always viewed myself differently than what I was seeing at that time. Who knows right? Only I can answer that question. Only I can be the one who goes on the grand adventure of discovery of just who Preston is. I mean lets think about this….who am I? Lately I can’t really say for sure. I mean there are always the standard things of what I am; I’m caring, I can be sweet, I am gay, I am very sexual, I am a mess. But just WHO am I? I find myself as of lately asking that question a lot. Am I a lover? Am I a husband waiting to be found? Am I another nameless face in the crowd? I can say what it feels like I am as of late. I feel as though I’m just simply another nameless face in the crowd. Just another gay man who is struggling to get by one day at a time. I feel like I’m nothing special. I honestly haven’t felt special in a long time. I feel because I am one who wears his feelings on his sleeve; because I’m one who will tell someone I like them if I like them; because I am someone who trusts that someone will do something they said they would do that I am always going to be a play thing for those who are more guarded. Something they can dangle and bat around for their amusement. I fear I am talked about more in whispered conversations than one should be. More of a “watch this, I’m going to say I’m going to hang out with this person” or “I’m going to flirt with him then completely ditch him…this’ll be fun!” It feels as though it’s my lot in life lately.

In the past I have written about becoming or wanting to be greater than the sum of my parts. I feel actually less than the sum of my parts tonight. As if I’m another play toy in a game of vengeance and hurt that perpetuates itself onto the unsuspecting victims who simply want to find love. I feel video games take precedence over me. I feel as though alcohol has a greater value than me. I feel as though everything in this world has a greater emotional and monetary value than me. It’s both a disturbing and sickening feeling. It makes me ask “is this all I’ve ever been my whole life?” Is this all I am destined to be? Some pathetic faggot wanting to find love which doesn’t exist?

Tonight it feels like that. Tonight it feels like the only option to deal with this constantly battered heart of mine is to cut it out. To remove all emotion from my life except anger and bitterness. But that’s not what I want to be! And while it’s not what I want to be, it’s what I’m becoming. My heart I don’t think can take one more blow before it falls to shreds. I have little left to offer someone who I want to be with besides a bleeding fleshy mass that was once full of hope and love. Tonight I feel as though I’ve been bled dry of all caring. It’s time for someone to build me up right now and I will do the same in return.

~Preston

UPDATES!

A brief update on things and a little blurb about feelings.

Personally things are what they are, I’m doing the best I can with what I got. *shrugs*.

Relationship area, things are interesting. I like someone, but am unsure of how they feel about me or where they want me to fit in. Frankly I don’t want to have to work to “catch” someone. It should be mutual and easy. If you like me, tell me, if you don’t like me, tell me. Pretty simple I think. Humans are all equipped with emotion chips that are fused into our neural net so just express it. We’ll see how things play out. I’m a busy guy and frankly think I’m a pretty decent catch…so lets catch each other!

At work things are going pretty good lately. My boss and I have a very good working relationship and work pretty well together. He listens to me vent and I listen to him…it’s a nice arrangement. We’ve been getting out of work on time every night this week which is nice but there is something big in the works which I can’t discuss right now.

That pretty much covers it!

Have a wonderful weekend all and HAPPY HALLOWEEN! *bares fangs*

~Preston

Things I’ve Learned

Many times in life we’re presented with situations that can either be a learning situation or a complete and total disaster…sometimes both! Having lost some people near and dear to my heart and gained some incredible friendships through years, I’ve tried to glean a small amount of wisdom from each and every one. Below is a small list of things I’ve learned in my comparatively short life thus far.

Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Always make time to play.
Enjoy each day as if it were your last.
If you can’t beat, figure out a way to make their task as difficult as possible.
Nothing is quite as vengeful as a gay man scorned.
Nothing is quite as wonderful as a gay man truly in love.
Women are a lot smarter than men.
The satisfaction of an emotional connection will outweigh the physical.
A good friend will say “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” while a great friend will show up with shovels, trash bags, and a truck.
People often times aren’t what they appear or say they are.
Heartache comes just as easy as caring.
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, prepare to have it scarred repeatedly.
A beautiful and perfect heart can be a sign that person has never given it away while one that is scarred, bruised, and battered can mean that person is one of the most wonderful people you will ever meet. Wanting only someone to guard their heart as they will guard yours.
People may come and people may go but it’s the impact you have on them that truly matters.
Smile, it improves your face value!
One kind act can change someone’s entire life.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Some of these things may seem kind of cliché while some may seem simply humorous but they are truly things that I’ve learned if I live by, everything will be okay. I am one who wears my heart on my sleeve and I’m also one who trusts very few. It has been my experience that most people just want to screw you or screw you over. It’s a rare find to encounter someone who engenders trust and a kind spirit. I have a few of those people in my life and while I sometimes fail to let them know how much they mean to me, they are my world. I have been one who has had his heart broken many times and I have broken hearts before. I have a scarred and mismatched heart because of the pieces I have given away and sometimes those pieces have been replaced with a piece of the person’s heart whom I gave mine to. Sometimes there are just holes and gaps where I have given of myself and received nothing in return. It’s those times I take something from the situation. Something that will help me learn and grow as a person. All in all I come away from each situation a little bit wiser and sometimes briefly a little mistrustful.

I was speaking with my mother on the phone last night and trying to help and council her as to a situation going on with my eldest brother. I had initially called her for advice and an encouraging word but she needed it worse than I. In that conversation we covered many things. Some of which were things we needed to talk about for quite sometime and others were just the simple yammering that one tends to have in a phone chat. I asked my mother why is it that I can’t find someone who I will love and appreciate for all time that I can have the perfect suburban life with. Where we have the house with the white picket fence, the car and SUV in the driveway, and the dog and cat as our children. The perfect suburban life. Her response is what discouraged me and bit to the core. She stated that things won’t be able to be like that for me for various reasons pertaining to my sexuality. And while I love my mother with every fiber of my being I can’t help but think this is one of those times she is wrong for what she said. Love can transcend gender, race, creed, and language. Two people can love each other unconditionally and build a wonderful life together no matter if they are two men, two women, white, black, orange, purple, or even green (I’m reading Wicked so deal with the green reference). I will continue to hold on to this belief until such point I have no more love left to give. I will continue to hold on to the hope that one day I will be my prince’s dream man and he will be mine. One day I will be loved unconditionally and love unconditionally with my partner in life, my prince charming.

And for those of you who actually read this, and think you might be my prince charming…SPEAK UP!
~Preston

One Step at a Time

Although this blog was inspired by the title of a Jordin Sparks song that was playing on my AOL radio this morning the phrase got me to thinking.

One step at a time. Such a simple phrase that we all too often hear used in conjunction with someone trying to comfort us from some sort of pain or strife or struggle. This phrase is unusual to hear in everyday casual conversation. Usually this phrase is one that is uttered by those who we consider close friends or what we say when we really don’t want to continue on and are simply putting one proverbial foot in front of the other in hopes that if we continue on things will get better…eventually. It also got me to thinking about something and someone that I don’t think about unless I’m telling a story. It got me to thinking about my father. Often times when telling a story about my father it involves some sort of hilarious physical injury in the past and I have to explain that it’s so funny because my father is a paraplegic. Such as you wouldn’t picture a man who can’t walk being able to jump from a seated position on the ground however I assure you if my brother is swinging a sledge hammer and misses, that person seated on the ground can and will jump. *chuckles at the memory*

One step at a time has a different meaning for me I guess. I, like many people without disabilities, take for granted the ability to walk, climb stairs, run, or even dance. Until you have lived with or are someone with a disability you can’t fathom not being able to walk into a store or someone’s home because of a 3” step. How difficult would it be to get out of bed or bathe if you couldn’t move your legs? Not being able to run or play with your children outside. Not being able to do so much in life because the world is made for those capable of bipedal locomotion. Yet I look at my father who hasn’t had the use of his legs for 59 years of his life due to the once almost pandemic effects of polio. A disease which has almost been eradicated from existence outside of a control laboratory. I draw inspiration to keep going on from my father and his struggles in life. He has never let his disability keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. He fathered three sons, has eight grandchildren, and has lived his whole life working hard for everything he has. At one point owning and operating a bull dozer service, raising catfish commercially, farming, and operating a rural utility my father hasn’t let anything stand in his way of doing what he wants. I’ve witnessed this man in the face of someone telling him that he couldn’t do task X due to his disability, do it in front of that person just to prove them wrong and for no other reason. My dad and I have replaced the roof on the home where I grew up before. Imagine how difficult it would be for him to climb a ladder to get to the roof of a house, yet he did it. It can be done.

Thinking back, the phrase one step at a time means something different for each and every one of us. In addition to the above mentioned memories and pride for my father that phrase inspires in me, it also reminds me of a song that was once and still is one of my favorite hymns. A hymn I’d try to work into more services than I probably should have when I was a music minister (that’s a story and post for another time). One Day at a Time. The song, if you’ve never heard it, speaks of taking one day at a time having faith in the Lord to keep you safe and not give you anything you can’t handle in life. And though my faith in an omniscient and omnipresent deity has changed since those days, it is still one of my favorite songs to hear and sing. While we all have some kind of faith in a supernatural force, presence, person, place, or thing it’s how we apply that faith to our lives and live by it that shapes who we are, how we act and deem what is socially appropriate. The song asks the singer to be given only one day at a time. To be given the strength to do what he/she has to do each day and for the Lord to help them believe in what they could/should be (depending on the version). Often times those who are “without faith” find this strength in themselves. A belief in their own abilities and/or strengths is what keeps them going. It’s what keeps this “wayward soul” taking one step at a time. As I stated above my beliefs have changed over the years and that’s due to my coming out process but the older I get the more I believe in destiny, fate, karma, and that there is a higher power or force out there that connects us all; driving us onward each day.

One step at a time can also be put into the context of a process. Just take it one step at a time and you will eventually, much like life, reach your goal as long as you keep doing what you need to do. Lets take for example the events in my past with the above mentioned coming out. I’m sure I’ve touched on this past posts but you’ll have to suffer through it again. At the age of 17 I had been sexually active with males for 3 years. Struggling much with my own identity and sexuality and on top of that the rhetoric of the Southern Baptist church constantly spewing forth the propaganda that homosexuality is wrong and those who engage in those acts/lifestyles will burn eternally in a tortuous fiery hell, I had the opportunity for an adventure. An adventure away from my parents and the place I had always known. I went to California to live with my then 72yo aunt and uncle for a month. This was an eye opening experience for me. I had never been to a place where homosexuality was something that was simply regarded as nonchalant as “oh I’m married.” This lead to my personal acceptance of my own sexuality…that I wasn’t in fact just curious and all I need was the right girl to come into my life but I was in fact gay and simply needed the right guy to come into my life (which I’m still waiting for). I returned to Oklahoma and the almost tactile oppression of being in the closet. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell someone. I told my best friend at the time, Matt. While Matt was/is a wonderful man, at the time he couldn’t handle the reality and closeness that his best friend was one of the dreaded homosexuals he had heard so much about since those homosexuals couldn’t come from or even be in a small town. While we have since reconciled and discussed at length this particular situation, at the time he had to seek help. Unfortunately for me he sought help from one of the people I had hoped he wouldn’t, the youth minister at our church. While I can’t say for certain, this person had a harder time with the fact I was gay than Matt did and I think the reason is his own internal battle with his sexuality. I was asked by said youth minister if what I had told Matt was in fact true, and although I wanted to deny it so I could keep my secret just that, I blurted out “I can’t lie about it anymore, yes I’m gay.” I was told to leave the church and never return. Since that day I have never darkened its doorstep again. I tell you this long arduous story to tell you this. One step at a time is the process I have been taking to reconnect with my past. Reconnect with myself if you will. I have taken one step that I am very proud of and that is contacting Matt and actually getting along wonderfully. He told me something during our time together that struck a chord with me and will tie in with posts in the past about connections. He told me that when I came out to him, it shocked his world and shook his faith. He has since examined other faiths and religions and is a very well versed in matters of faith. He accepts that I am gay and actually draws strength from that experience for me having the courage in the face of all that would oppose me for being true to myself. He also understands that me being gay isn’t a choice, its how I was born. Nature, not nurture my friends. Having had such a profound impact on someone’s life and knowing it something I take great pride in. Knowing in the back of my mind that I have changed on person for the better keeps hope alive for me that I might inspire or help better another one day. It’s one of the things that keep me taking my one step at a time.

While we all have internal battles and struggles, we must have faith in ourselves and our abilities. Know our strengths and weaknesses and build our lives to those. As I was writing this entry this morning, I read a small portion of it to someone here at work while they were cleaning my office and her first words after I had finished were “you should write a book because you are very good.” That meant a lot to me coming from her. While I don’t know if she knows it I greatly respect her and her strength to keep going day to day as a single mother. She loves, cares, and provides for her two children with every fiber of her being. They are her world. Her dedication to her children and family is another thing that reminds me to keep moving forward. I look back at the people I’ve had in my life and think “wow there have been some really great people and some really really shitty people.” To the great people, thank you for being part of my life and I hope we can continue or reconnect again one day. To the not so great people, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in life and to look out for myself.

In conclusion, remember each of us has a purpose, each of us has trials and tribulations, each of us have good things, and each of us have bad things. It’s what makes us individuals. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses, and keep taking one step a time.

~Preston

M.O.A.R.

WARNING! The above abbreviation is for Mother Of All Rants. SO if you don’t want to read it, please exit the blog now. The little red X and the address bar are located conveniently at the top of your screen for your exiting pleasure. For the rest of you somewhat deranged individuals who chose to continue forth into the exhaustive and lurid ramblings, things that piss me of, and pet peeves that will be the subject of this little tirade, please fasten your seat belts, return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked position, and hold on.

Work:
Recently we’ve lost a large customer of ours for this division. This customer comprised such a large part that I reduced my department by half the staff and by OVER half the hours. We reduced the staff in another department by some as well. Now while this is all part of business and is the way of the economy, I can’t help but feel bad for those individuals who we had to “downsize”. At the same time one might think “oh that’s great Preston, you won’t have to be on call 24 hours a day anymore!” Well think again my friends. While I am not on call 24 hours a day that leaves me being the sole person who has the not so glorified position of putting in unholy long hours to keep things flowing at a reasonable pace and keeping the rest of the plant at their 40 hours a week. Yes folks you heard right, it falls solely on myself. An example of this would be this week. Monday 0640 to 1745, Tuesday 0500 to 2100, Wednesday 0600 to 1830, and Thursday (today) 0600 to ???. When my boss asked me Wednesday night if there was anything else I needed him for I stated that I was very tired and would like to go home if he wanted to stay for about another hour and shut down the plant, he laughed and said no, then left. This just reiterated the one fact that I’ve known to be self evident for quite some time now. This one shining fact in all that is my work world right now is that I am taken advantage of every day. I’m expected to go above and beyond the call of duty every day. If I don’t I receive a slap on the hand asking “why didn’t you do this?”. In case some of you have been inquiring about the pissed off and unhappy nature of my status messages, this would be the reason as of late.

Personal:
I have been going through a lot of financially and emotionally trying times lately. The least of which is the financial aspect and while I am still so poor I can’t even pay attention, life goes on and money does keep flowing in, albeit at a pace which is totally unacceptable to my creditors. My family problems in Oklahoma have stretched on for a totally unacceptable amount of time due to the DHS and the police department dragging their feet and “uncovering new evidence.” Needless to say, there is a lot of shit going on that my family in OK needs all the prayers and well wishes they can get right now. It’s amazing what trouble one disgruntled 19yo skank whore from hell can cause when her meal ticket is taken away from her.

Relationship:
As I’m sure the entire free world knows I am still single and actually very much enjoying not having any attachments. I’m at a phase in my life where I know what I want from a man and a relationship and will not settle for anything less. As a result pickings are kinda slim. I have been talking to an amazing guy who we seem very much compatible on every level thus far. At the same time I know he is somewhat reserved and shy and doesn’t want to be rushed into anything. I can totally understand this but you all know me. If I find someone I like I want to pursue something with them even so much as just spending an evening together once in a while watching a movie or what not. I tend to be both emotionally and mentally driven in order accomplish my goals in relationships. If I want to spend time with someone because I’m interested in them, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person and get to know them to see what develops. Sometimes it’s hard to be reserved about so as not to scare away potential suitors. But we shall see what the future holds.

One of the biggest pet peeves I have in the relationship department though is when talking to someone if that person says “oh yes I like you I want to spend time with you.” And then makes no effort to fulfill that statement. You make offers to accommodate their schedule however it feels as though none is made on their part. So why waste your time on this person? That’s a good question and frankly I don’t think there is a legitimate answer to that.

Kids these days:
OH MY GOD this is where the true title of this post comes in. I keep hearing about things that kids are doing in this day and age at a much younger age than they should be and doing things that no one should be doing. I come from a conservative up bringing where if you were having sex before marriage or the age of 25, it was taboo for it to be known or discussed. I myself became sexually active at a fairly early age, much earlier than I should have I can guarantee you that but what can ya do right? I recently heard of someone’s daughter being heard having sex at the age of 14 outside, in the driveway, between the car and the house with a young man of the age of 16. All I can say is OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! What the hell are these kids these days thinking?! Have these kids never heard of AIDS, HIV, herpes, syphilis, hepatitis, or any of the other countless STD’s that one can contract?!?! My advice to any and all parents out there, at the age of 13 from the onset of puberty, drag your child to the local health department and put them through the full battery of testing. It’s free and humbling. Afterwards explain to them that this humbling part of having sex (being watched by a room full of people at such a young age going through STD screening) is a package deal if they want to stay healthy. I myself have too many friends who are HIV+ or have an incurable disease as a result of someone they were with in the past, not doing preventative screening.

Also as of late I’ve noticed a lot of kids and people who are certainly more “mouthy” than what they should be. A little big for their britches if you ask me. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major source of wanting to shake parents until they themselves have some sort of sense knocked into them to see them allow their child to run amok without the slightest inkling of how to control them. “We don’t hit our children” or “time-outs work just fine for discipline” or the best one yet “well he’s grounded so we don’t have to worry”. How about a big line of BULLSHIT! MY FREAKIN GOD! I was raised with the knowledge that if I stepped out of line I’d either be wearing a hand print across my face from one of my parents or my ass would be so sore I couldn’t sit down for a few hours from the fine touch of a dead cow’s skin crafted into a lovely size 34 to 36 belt. Having this knowledge did not stop me from acting out or getting out of line from time to time but I certainly learned my lesson when I did. Many times I came away with the thought “I pushed mom too far on that one” or “don’t fuck with dad”. I thank my parents every day for the corporal punishment which was administered during my child hood because it made me into the person I am today. While I will not have children so I can’t say what I would do in that situation after having a child of my own but I can just about 99.99% assurance that I would not hesitate to spank my child. And while I was growing up I certainly wouldn’t EVER look at one of my parents and say “fuck you” or even swear in their presence otherwise whoever was there would witness exactly the wrath I would face for such irreverence.

*RANT OFF*

Okay boys and girls on to happier things. Nick and I are back on speaking terms at least for now till one of us has another meltdown. This last one was me. I freaked out over finances and took it out very unjustly on him. I think I shall focus my anger elsewhere, like at my boss (see above) HAHAHA. Now that I have all this off my chest and into electronic format for the voyeurs of my mind to peruse at their leisure, I’m going to end it here. Have a wonderful evening and always remember: a lot of people are like slinkies, absolutely useless for anything imaginable but you still can’t help but smile when you push one down the stairs.

~Preston