Although this blog was inspired by the title of a Jordin Sparks song that was playing on my AOL radio this morning the phrase got me to thinking.
One step at a time. Such a simple phrase that we all too often hear used in conjunction with someone trying to comfort us from some sort of pain or strife or struggle. This phrase is unusual to hear in everyday casual conversation. Usually this phrase is one that is uttered by those who we consider close friends or what we say when we really don’t want to continue on and are simply putting one proverbial foot in front of the other in hopes that if we continue on things will get better…eventually. It also got me to thinking about something and someone that I don’t think about unless I’m telling a story. It got me to thinking about my father. Often times when telling a story about my father it involves some sort of hilarious physical injury in the past and I have to explain that it’s so funny because my father is a paraplegic. Such as you wouldn’t picture a man who can’t walk being able to jump from a seated position on the ground however I assure you if my brother is swinging a sledge hammer and misses, that person seated on the ground can and will jump. *chuckles at the memory*
One step at a time has a different meaning for me I guess. I, like many people without disabilities, take for granted the ability to walk, climb stairs, run, or even dance. Until you have lived with or are someone with a disability you can’t fathom not being able to walk into a store or someone’s home because of a 3” step. How difficult would it be to get out of bed or bathe if you couldn’t move your legs? Not being able to run or play with your children outside. Not being able to do so much in life because the world is made for those capable of bipedal locomotion. Yet I look at my father who hasn’t had the use of his legs for 59 years of his life due to the once almost pandemic effects of polio. A disease which has almost been eradicated from existence outside of a control laboratory. I draw inspiration to keep going on from my father and his struggles in life. He has never let his disability keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. He fathered three sons, has eight grandchildren, and has lived his whole life working hard for everything he has. At one point owning and operating a bull dozer service, raising catfish commercially, farming, and operating a rural utility my father hasn’t let anything stand in his way of doing what he wants. I’ve witnessed this man in the face of someone telling him that he couldn’t do task X due to his disability, do it in front of that person just to prove them wrong and for no other reason. My dad and I have replaced the roof on the home where I grew up before. Imagine how difficult it would be for him to climb a ladder to get to the roof of a house, yet he did it. It can be done.
Thinking back, the phrase one step at a time means something different for each and every one of us. In addition to the above mentioned memories and pride for my father that phrase inspires in me, it also reminds me of a song that was once and still is one of my favorite hymns. A hymn I’d try to work into more services than I probably should have when I was a music minister (that’s a story and post for another time). One Day at a Time. The song, if you’ve never heard it, speaks of taking one day at a time having faith in the Lord to keep you safe and not give you anything you can’t handle in life. And though my faith in an omniscient and omnipresent deity has changed since those days, it is still one of my favorite songs to hear and sing. While we all have some kind of faith in a supernatural force, presence, person, place, or thing it’s how we apply that faith to our lives and live by it that shapes who we are, how we act and deem what is socially appropriate. The song asks the singer to be given only one day at a time. To be given the strength to do what he/she has to do each day and for the Lord to help them believe in what they could/should be (depending on the version). Often times those who are “without faith” find this strength in themselves. A belief in their own abilities and/or strengths is what keeps them going. It’s what keeps this “wayward soul” taking one step at a time. As I stated above my beliefs have changed over the years and that’s due to my coming out process but the older I get the more I believe in destiny, fate, karma, and that there is a higher power or force out there that connects us all; driving us onward each day.
One step at a time can also be put into the context of a process. Just take it one step at a time and you will eventually, much like life, reach your goal as long as you keep doing what you need to do. Lets take for example the events in my past with the above mentioned coming out. I’m sure I’ve touched on this past posts but you’ll have to suffer through it again. At the age of 17 I had been sexually active with males for 3 years. Struggling much with my own identity and sexuality and on top of that the rhetoric of the Southern Baptist church constantly spewing forth the propaganda that homosexuality is wrong and those who engage in those acts/lifestyles will burn eternally in a tortuous fiery hell, I had the opportunity for an adventure. An adventure away from my parents and the place I had always known. I went to California to live with my then 72yo aunt and uncle for a month. This was an eye opening experience for me. I had never been to a place where homosexuality was something that was simply regarded as nonchalant as “oh I’m married.” This lead to my personal acceptance of my own sexuality…that I wasn’t in fact just curious and all I need was the right girl to come into my life but I was in fact gay and simply needed the right guy to come into my life (which I’m still waiting for). I returned to Oklahoma and the almost tactile oppression of being in the closet. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell someone. I told my best friend at the time, Matt. While Matt was/is a wonderful man, at the time he couldn’t handle the reality and closeness that his best friend was one of the dreaded homosexuals he had heard so much about since those homosexuals couldn’t come from or even be in a small town. While we have since reconciled and discussed at length this particular situation, at the time he had to seek help. Unfortunately for me he sought help from one of the people I had hoped he wouldn’t, the youth minister at our church. While I can’t say for certain, this person had a harder time with the fact I was gay than Matt did and I think the reason is his own internal battle with his sexuality. I was asked by said youth minister if what I had told Matt was in fact true, and although I wanted to deny it so I could keep my secret just that, I blurted out “I can’t lie about it anymore, yes I’m gay.” I was told to leave the church and never return. Since that day I have never darkened its doorstep again. I tell you this long arduous story to tell you this. One step at a time is the process I have been taking to reconnect with my past. Reconnect with myself if you will. I have taken one step that I am very proud of and that is contacting Matt and actually getting along wonderfully. He told me something during our time together that struck a chord with me and will tie in with posts in the past about connections. He told me that when I came out to him, it shocked his world and shook his faith. He has since examined other faiths and religions and is a very well versed in matters of faith. He accepts that I am gay and actually draws strength from that experience for me having the courage in the face of all that would oppose me for being true to myself. He also understands that me being gay isn’t a choice, its how I was born. Nature, not nurture my friends. Having had such a profound impact on someone’s life and knowing it something I take great pride in. Knowing in the back of my mind that I have changed on person for the better keeps hope alive for me that I might inspire or help better another one day. It’s one of the things that keep me taking my one step at a time.
While we all have internal battles and struggles, we must have faith in ourselves and our abilities. Know our strengths and weaknesses and build our lives to those. As I was writing this entry this morning, I read a small portion of it to someone here at work while they were cleaning my office and her first words after I had finished were “you should write a book because you are very good.” That meant a lot to me coming from her. While I don’t know if she knows it I greatly respect her and her strength to keep going day to day as a single mother. She loves, cares, and provides for her two children with every fiber of her being. They are her world. Her dedication to her children and family is another thing that reminds me to keep moving forward. I look back at the people I’ve had in my life and think “wow there have been some really great people and some really really shitty people.” To the great people, thank you for being part of my life and I hope we can continue or reconnect again one day. To the not so great people, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in life and to look out for myself.
In conclusion, remember each of us has a purpose, each of us has trials and tribulations, each of us have good things, and each of us have bad things. It’s what makes us individuals. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses, and keep taking one step a time.
~Preston
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
M.O.A.R.
WARNING! The above abbreviation is for Mother Of All Rants. SO if you don’t want to read it, please exit the blog now. The little red X and the address bar are located conveniently at the top of your screen for your exiting pleasure. For the rest of you somewhat deranged individuals who chose to continue forth into the exhaustive and lurid ramblings, things that piss me of, and pet peeves that will be the subject of this little tirade, please fasten your seat belts, return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked position, and hold on.
Work:
Recently we’ve lost a large customer of ours for this division. This customer comprised such a large part that I reduced my department by half the staff and by OVER half the hours. We reduced the staff in another department by some as well. Now while this is all part of business and is the way of the economy, I can’t help but feel bad for those individuals who we had to “downsize”. At the same time one might think “oh that’s great Preston, you won’t have to be on call 24 hours a day anymore!” Well think again my friends. While I am not on call 24 hours a day that leaves me being the sole person who has the not so glorified position of putting in unholy long hours to keep things flowing at a reasonable pace and keeping the rest of the plant at their 40 hours a week. Yes folks you heard right, it falls solely on myself. An example of this would be this week. Monday 0640 to 1745, Tuesday 0500 to 2100, Wednesday 0600 to 1830, and Thursday (today) 0600 to ???. When my boss asked me Wednesday night if there was anything else I needed him for I stated that I was very tired and would like to go home if he wanted to stay for about another hour and shut down the plant, he laughed and said no, then left. This just reiterated the one fact that I’ve known to be self evident for quite some time now. This one shining fact in all that is my work world right now is that I am taken advantage of every day. I’m expected to go above and beyond the call of duty every day. If I don’t I receive a slap on the hand asking “why didn’t you do this?”. In case some of you have been inquiring about the pissed off and unhappy nature of my status messages, this would be the reason as of late.
Personal:
I have been going through a lot of financially and emotionally trying times lately. The least of which is the financial aspect and while I am still so poor I can’t even pay attention, life goes on and money does keep flowing in, albeit at a pace which is totally unacceptable to my creditors. My family problems in Oklahoma have stretched on for a totally unacceptable amount of time due to the DHS and the police department dragging their feet and “uncovering new evidence.” Needless to say, there is a lot of shit going on that my family in OK needs all the prayers and well wishes they can get right now. It’s amazing what trouble one disgruntled 19yo skank whore from hell can cause when her meal ticket is taken away from her.
Relationship:
As I’m sure the entire free world knows I am still single and actually very much enjoying not having any attachments. I’m at a phase in my life where I know what I want from a man and a relationship and will not settle for anything less. As a result pickings are kinda slim. I have been talking to an amazing guy who we seem very much compatible on every level thus far. At the same time I know he is somewhat reserved and shy and doesn’t want to be rushed into anything. I can totally understand this but you all know me. If I find someone I like I want to pursue something with them even so much as just spending an evening together once in a while watching a movie or what not. I tend to be both emotionally and mentally driven in order accomplish my goals in relationships. If I want to spend time with someone because I’m interested in them, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person and get to know them to see what develops. Sometimes it’s hard to be reserved about so as not to scare away potential suitors. But we shall see what the future holds.
One of the biggest pet peeves I have in the relationship department though is when talking to someone if that person says “oh yes I like you I want to spend time with you.” And then makes no effort to fulfill that statement. You make offers to accommodate their schedule however it feels as though none is made on their part. So why waste your time on this person? That’s a good question and frankly I don’t think there is a legitimate answer to that.
Kids these days:
OH MY GOD this is where the true title of this post comes in. I keep hearing about things that kids are doing in this day and age at a much younger age than they should be and doing things that no one should be doing. I come from a conservative up bringing where if you were having sex before marriage or the age of 25, it was taboo for it to be known or discussed. I myself became sexually active at a fairly early age, much earlier than I should have I can guarantee you that but what can ya do right? I recently heard of someone’s daughter being heard having sex at the age of 14 outside, in the driveway, between the car and the house with a young man of the age of 16. All I can say is OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! What the hell are these kids these days thinking?! Have these kids never heard of AIDS, HIV, herpes, syphilis, hepatitis, or any of the other countless STD’s that one can contract?!?! My advice to any and all parents out there, at the age of 13 from the onset of puberty, drag your child to the local health department and put them through the full battery of testing. It’s free and humbling. Afterwards explain to them that this humbling part of having sex (being watched by a room full of people at such a young age going through STD screening) is a package deal if they want to stay healthy. I myself have too many friends who are HIV+ or have an incurable disease as a result of someone they were with in the past, not doing preventative screening.
Also as of late I’ve noticed a lot of kids and people who are certainly more “mouthy” than what they should be. A little big for their britches if you ask me. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major source of wanting to shake parents until they themselves have some sort of sense knocked into them to see them allow their child to run amok without the slightest inkling of how to control them. “We don’t hit our children” or “time-outs work just fine for discipline” or the best one yet “well he’s grounded so we don’t have to worry”. How about a big line of BULLSHIT! MY FREAKIN GOD! I was raised with the knowledge that if I stepped out of line I’d either be wearing a hand print across my face from one of my parents or my ass would be so sore I couldn’t sit down for a few hours from the fine touch of a dead cow’s skin crafted into a lovely size 34 to 36 belt. Having this knowledge did not stop me from acting out or getting out of line from time to time but I certainly learned my lesson when I did. Many times I came away with the thought “I pushed mom too far on that one” or “don’t fuck with dad”. I thank my parents every day for the corporal punishment which was administered during my child hood because it made me into the person I am today. While I will not have children so I can’t say what I would do in that situation after having a child of my own but I can just about 99.99% assurance that I would not hesitate to spank my child. And while I was growing up I certainly wouldn’t EVER look at one of my parents and say “fuck you” or even swear in their presence otherwise whoever was there would witness exactly the wrath I would face for such irreverence.
*RANT OFF*
Okay boys and girls on to happier things. Nick and I are back on speaking terms at least for now till one of us has another meltdown. This last one was me. I freaked out over finances and took it out very unjustly on him. I think I shall focus my anger elsewhere, like at my boss (see above) HAHAHA. Now that I have all this off my chest and into electronic format for the voyeurs of my mind to peruse at their leisure, I’m going to end it here. Have a wonderful evening and always remember: a lot of people are like slinkies, absolutely useless for anything imaginable but you still can’t help but smile when you push one down the stairs.
~Preston
Work:
Recently we’ve lost a large customer of ours for this division. This customer comprised such a large part that I reduced my department by half the staff and by OVER half the hours. We reduced the staff in another department by some as well. Now while this is all part of business and is the way of the economy, I can’t help but feel bad for those individuals who we had to “downsize”. At the same time one might think “oh that’s great Preston, you won’t have to be on call 24 hours a day anymore!” Well think again my friends. While I am not on call 24 hours a day that leaves me being the sole person who has the not so glorified position of putting in unholy long hours to keep things flowing at a reasonable pace and keeping the rest of the plant at their 40 hours a week. Yes folks you heard right, it falls solely on myself. An example of this would be this week. Monday 0640 to 1745, Tuesday 0500 to 2100, Wednesday 0600 to 1830, and Thursday (today) 0600 to ???. When my boss asked me Wednesday night if there was anything else I needed him for I stated that I was very tired and would like to go home if he wanted to stay for about another hour and shut down the plant, he laughed and said no, then left. This just reiterated the one fact that I’ve known to be self evident for quite some time now. This one shining fact in all that is my work world right now is that I am taken advantage of every day. I’m expected to go above and beyond the call of duty every day. If I don’t I receive a slap on the hand asking “why didn’t you do this?”. In case some of you have been inquiring about the pissed off and unhappy nature of my status messages, this would be the reason as of late.
Personal:
I have been going through a lot of financially and emotionally trying times lately. The least of which is the financial aspect and while I am still so poor I can’t even pay attention, life goes on and money does keep flowing in, albeit at a pace which is totally unacceptable to my creditors. My family problems in Oklahoma have stretched on for a totally unacceptable amount of time due to the DHS and the police department dragging their feet and “uncovering new evidence.” Needless to say, there is a lot of shit going on that my family in OK needs all the prayers and well wishes they can get right now. It’s amazing what trouble one disgruntled 19yo skank whore from hell can cause when her meal ticket is taken away from her.
Relationship:
As I’m sure the entire free world knows I am still single and actually very much enjoying not having any attachments. I’m at a phase in my life where I know what I want from a man and a relationship and will not settle for anything less. As a result pickings are kinda slim. I have been talking to an amazing guy who we seem very much compatible on every level thus far. At the same time I know he is somewhat reserved and shy and doesn’t want to be rushed into anything. I can totally understand this but you all know me. If I find someone I like I want to pursue something with them even so much as just spending an evening together once in a while watching a movie or what not. I tend to be both emotionally and mentally driven in order accomplish my goals in relationships. If I want to spend time with someone because I’m interested in them, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person and get to know them to see what develops. Sometimes it’s hard to be reserved about so as not to scare away potential suitors. But we shall see what the future holds.
One of the biggest pet peeves I have in the relationship department though is when talking to someone if that person says “oh yes I like you I want to spend time with you.” And then makes no effort to fulfill that statement. You make offers to accommodate their schedule however it feels as though none is made on their part. So why waste your time on this person? That’s a good question and frankly I don’t think there is a legitimate answer to that.
Kids these days:
OH MY GOD this is where the true title of this post comes in. I keep hearing about things that kids are doing in this day and age at a much younger age than they should be and doing things that no one should be doing. I come from a conservative up bringing where if you were having sex before marriage or the age of 25, it was taboo for it to be known or discussed. I myself became sexually active at a fairly early age, much earlier than I should have I can guarantee you that but what can ya do right? I recently heard of someone’s daughter being heard having sex at the age of 14 outside, in the driveway, between the car and the house with a young man of the age of 16. All I can say is OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! What the hell are these kids these days thinking?! Have these kids never heard of AIDS, HIV, herpes, syphilis, hepatitis, or any of the other countless STD’s that one can contract?!?! My advice to any and all parents out there, at the age of 13 from the onset of puberty, drag your child to the local health department and put them through the full battery of testing. It’s free and humbling. Afterwards explain to them that this humbling part of having sex (being watched by a room full of people at such a young age going through STD screening) is a package deal if they want to stay healthy. I myself have too many friends who are HIV+ or have an incurable disease as a result of someone they were with in the past, not doing preventative screening.
Also as of late I’ve noticed a lot of kids and people who are certainly more “mouthy” than what they should be. A little big for their britches if you ask me. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major source of wanting to shake parents until they themselves have some sort of sense knocked into them to see them allow their child to run amok without the slightest inkling of how to control them. “We don’t hit our children” or “time-outs work just fine for discipline” or the best one yet “well he’s grounded so we don’t have to worry”. How about a big line of BULLSHIT! MY FREAKIN GOD! I was raised with the knowledge that if I stepped out of line I’d either be wearing a hand print across my face from one of my parents or my ass would be so sore I couldn’t sit down for a few hours from the fine touch of a dead cow’s skin crafted into a lovely size 34 to 36 belt. Having this knowledge did not stop me from acting out or getting out of line from time to time but I certainly learned my lesson when I did. Many times I came away with the thought “I pushed mom too far on that one” or “don’t fuck with dad”. I thank my parents every day for the corporal punishment which was administered during my child hood because it made me into the person I am today. While I will not have children so I can’t say what I would do in that situation after having a child of my own but I can just about 99.99% assurance that I would not hesitate to spank my child. And while I was growing up I certainly wouldn’t EVER look at one of my parents and say “fuck you” or even swear in their presence otherwise whoever was there would witness exactly the wrath I would face for such irreverence.
*RANT OFF*
Okay boys and girls on to happier things. Nick and I are back on speaking terms at least for now till one of us has another meltdown. This last one was me. I freaked out over finances and took it out very unjustly on him. I think I shall focus my anger elsewhere, like at my boss (see above) HAHAHA. Now that I have all this off my chest and into electronic format for the voyeurs of my mind to peruse at their leisure, I’m going to end it here. Have a wonderful evening and always remember: a lot of people are like slinkies, absolutely useless for anything imaginable but you still can’t help but smile when you push one down the stairs.
~Preston
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
A Tale of Tales
As many of you know, and if you don’t you’ve been living under a rock for the past 3 months, I am now single and while the break up has had its ups and downs, blood shed and tear stains, it has been for the best. I can honestly say I’m happier now than I have been in a long time overall. Yes you will have the posts from me when I just need to unload since I don’t have someone right here to do that with. Even when I did, I’m such a private individual that I usually just like to pour things out in a heap into this wonderful online journal and let the masses sort it out without having to hear any rebuttals about how I should be feeling.
Life is always a series of ups and downs and right now things seem to be on the upswing. I’ve met someone who thus far seems to be a complete match in every way but time will tell. Things are to be taken slow, learning everything about one another there is to know then eventually march down the aisle of cohabitation seeing as we can’t quite get married. I had a wonderful weekend with Mikey who is in from California currently visiting and I hadn’t quite realized how much I missed him until I hugged him for the first time in almost a year. One of the people that know me best in the world, often times my partner in some sort of drunken hyjinx, and the shoulder I need from time to time Mikey is one in a million and for that I thank the diety of your choice for having him in my life.
Work will be becoming very interesting here soon. I can’t discuss it here as of yet but something big is coming. So if I’m putting in some extra time at work, don’t say you weren’t warned.
As far as where I will be in the future, that has still yet to be determined. I have a lot of options available to me right now, and frankly I don’t know which one I want. I’m growing accustomed to sleeping alone and although I don’t like it, it is one of those things I must do for now. One day though I will have the house in the country with the man of my dreams beside me every night. Some people don’t understand how I can miss being in the middle of nowhere so much. It’s quite simple really. It’s where I’m from and who I am. I may be a gay man, but that doesn’t mean I can’t want to be able to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go out exploring on my property to listen to nature, and just hear the silence that only being out in the middle of nowhere can bring. If it’s something you’ve never done in your existence, I highly recommend it. It is both humbling and empowering at the same time. A time when a person can truly reflect on who they are and discover things about oneself you never knew existed. I know so many people that think they must live in a populous so they can be accepted and loved. That’s all fine and dandy however you never really truly discover yourself. I’ve done a lot of different things in my life trying to discover who I am and what I want out of life and the one thing that seems to hold true is sitting on a stump in the woods listening, watching, waiting, thinking, and discovering. Discovering what is a typical response to that statement and the answer is quite simple…everything.
Think of life in terms of who you are in the world. In the grand scheme of things we are each pretty insignificant. One person who will occupy a biochemical marvel known as the human body that will remain on earth for a predetermined amount of time that none of us know. Our fate and destiny is controlled by forces all around us. I can only think of one analogy right now to describe it. We are a tree. We have an effect on everything around us. Sometimes we are leaned on by others when they need support. Sometimes we can be destroyed by fire, and other times, it is fire that is our saving grace allowing us to flourish and giving us the things we need to become bigger and stronger. We leave little parts of us with those who come near us either in the form of ideas or seeds that grow and become another great tree, or sometimes in the form of a passing look as if someone looked at our leaves and said “wow that’s a beautiful leaf” and we are easily forgotten. While I know I’m grasping at acorns as it were, I think you all know what I’m trying to say. We are here for a purpose and we can only discover that purpose by discovering who we really are. Some guys like to go out and party all the time and they say “that’s who I am, I’m a party animal!” While that is all well and good, how do you feel when you’re alone? Are you on your phone texting or calling to find out when and where the next drunken debauchery is going to take place or do you take time to enjoy your alone time and think about some of the good things you’ve done and where you are in life. If you take time to think of where you are in life, ask yourself the question “am I where I want to be?” If you’re not then I would suggest thinking of how you can get to where you want to be. What amount of hard work will it take to get there? If you do this, I assure you, you will be happier with yourself, and then you can truly be happy with the one you love.
Along those lines, there are times when we just need to sit back and appreciate what we do have. So many times I myself think my life is so bad, because I don’t have enough money to do this, or wish things were different etc. At the same time, when I have my more lucid moments, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. In today’s economy, I have a job that pays me a decent wage, I have a car, I have a phone, a computer, a family that loves me, friends that care about me, and maybe someone who will want to spend his life with me in the future. I have things pretty good compared to some yet there are times when I feel as though I have nothing and am a failure often times because I never went to college. In a nutshell, and I hate to cut this off here but I must get to bed, just stop, think, and reflect on yourself. Are you really who you want to be?
~Preston
Life is always a series of ups and downs and right now things seem to be on the upswing. I’ve met someone who thus far seems to be a complete match in every way but time will tell. Things are to be taken slow, learning everything about one another there is to know then eventually march down the aisle of cohabitation seeing as we can’t quite get married. I had a wonderful weekend with Mikey who is in from California currently visiting and I hadn’t quite realized how much I missed him until I hugged him for the first time in almost a year. One of the people that know me best in the world, often times my partner in some sort of drunken hyjinx, and the shoulder I need from time to time Mikey is one in a million and for that I thank the diety of your choice for having him in my life.
Work will be becoming very interesting here soon. I can’t discuss it here as of yet but something big is coming. So if I’m putting in some extra time at work, don’t say you weren’t warned.
As far as where I will be in the future, that has still yet to be determined. I have a lot of options available to me right now, and frankly I don’t know which one I want. I’m growing accustomed to sleeping alone and although I don’t like it, it is one of those things I must do for now. One day though I will have the house in the country with the man of my dreams beside me every night. Some people don’t understand how I can miss being in the middle of nowhere so much. It’s quite simple really. It’s where I’m from and who I am. I may be a gay man, but that doesn’t mean I can’t want to be able to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go out exploring on my property to listen to nature, and just hear the silence that only being out in the middle of nowhere can bring. If it’s something you’ve never done in your existence, I highly recommend it. It is both humbling and empowering at the same time. A time when a person can truly reflect on who they are and discover things about oneself you never knew existed. I know so many people that think they must live in a populous so they can be accepted and loved. That’s all fine and dandy however you never really truly discover yourself. I’ve done a lot of different things in my life trying to discover who I am and what I want out of life and the one thing that seems to hold true is sitting on a stump in the woods listening, watching, waiting, thinking, and discovering. Discovering what is a typical response to that statement and the answer is quite simple…everything.
Think of life in terms of who you are in the world. In the grand scheme of things we are each pretty insignificant. One person who will occupy a biochemical marvel known as the human body that will remain on earth for a predetermined amount of time that none of us know. Our fate and destiny is controlled by forces all around us. I can only think of one analogy right now to describe it. We are a tree. We have an effect on everything around us. Sometimes we are leaned on by others when they need support. Sometimes we can be destroyed by fire, and other times, it is fire that is our saving grace allowing us to flourish and giving us the things we need to become bigger and stronger. We leave little parts of us with those who come near us either in the form of ideas or seeds that grow and become another great tree, or sometimes in the form of a passing look as if someone looked at our leaves and said “wow that’s a beautiful leaf” and we are easily forgotten. While I know I’m grasping at acorns as it were, I think you all know what I’m trying to say. We are here for a purpose and we can only discover that purpose by discovering who we really are. Some guys like to go out and party all the time and they say “that’s who I am, I’m a party animal!” While that is all well and good, how do you feel when you’re alone? Are you on your phone texting or calling to find out when and where the next drunken debauchery is going to take place or do you take time to enjoy your alone time and think about some of the good things you’ve done and where you are in life. If you take time to think of where you are in life, ask yourself the question “am I where I want to be?” If you’re not then I would suggest thinking of how you can get to where you want to be. What amount of hard work will it take to get there? If you do this, I assure you, you will be happier with yourself, and then you can truly be happy with the one you love.
Along those lines, there are times when we just need to sit back and appreciate what we do have. So many times I myself think my life is so bad, because I don’t have enough money to do this, or wish things were different etc. At the same time, when I have my more lucid moments, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. In today’s economy, I have a job that pays me a decent wage, I have a car, I have a phone, a computer, a family that loves me, friends that care about me, and maybe someone who will want to spend his life with me in the future. I have things pretty good compared to some yet there are times when I feel as though I have nothing and am a failure often times because I never went to college. In a nutshell, and I hate to cut this off here but I must get to bed, just stop, think, and reflect on yourself. Are you really who you want to be?
~Preston
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Saying Goodbye.
Over the years I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people and a lot of things. Some of which were very difficult decisions and others were quite easy. For each and everyone I spent many many painstaking hours debating, arguing with myself if you will, if I was making the right decision and how to approach it. Such internal debate is often not visible to those around us so when the bombshell is finally dropped, the reaction is often intense and I have found myself being called anything from a heartless disrespecting bastard to, something which stung even worse, considerate for taking into account all the different aspects and making a decision and being adult enough to handle it. I’ve been thanked by people for being their friend or their lover. I’ve been cursed for the same things as well. This blog is to give all of you a little insight to my mind. My thought process which some of you have seen and others have no clue about. I am a person who is both constantly anxious and worried about what others think and carefree as well. I give off an air that I am cool, confident and collected (or at least I try) all the while there is a constant battle raging in my delicate psyche about whether I made the right choice about ANYTHING. God forbid it is a big decision like saying goodbye to someone then the internal stress level escalates into a physical manifestation of pain, blood and digestive maladies. When you add on top of this financial difficulties…well you can see where I’m going with this.
Saying goodbye is something that is never easy to do for anyone. Of course there is the proverbial “you wronged me, you must now be banished” line of thinking however even still, goodbye is difficult. Lately I’ve been burdened with the decision of saying good bye to Toledo and returning to Oklahoma. I have many offers for help, many suggestions as to how to accomplish this however such a drastic change is not an easy decision to make. If I stay in Toledo, I will be changing jobs and starting back to school. If I move to Oklahoma, I will be moving 1200 miles, changing jobs, waiting a year, then going back to school. It’s all a matter of how fast to I want to have a degree in a field I will be happy in and make a decent wage and how much longer I can live away from my family. All in all if I stay here and complete my college courses, I will have been away from them for nearly a decade. Yet it seems such a short time ago that I left in seek of a new adventure.
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on one of my emotionally depressing, psychologically overwhelming rants about how bad my life is blah blah blah. Deal with it. It helps me to get it out so I can be that happy person most all of you see. On that note though, I must say goodbye for tonight. My work day is done.
Saying goodbye is something that is never easy to do for anyone. Of course there is the proverbial “you wronged me, you must now be banished” line of thinking however even still, goodbye is difficult. Lately I’ve been burdened with the decision of saying good bye to Toledo and returning to Oklahoma. I have many offers for help, many suggestions as to how to accomplish this however such a drastic change is not an easy decision to make. If I stay in Toledo, I will be changing jobs and starting back to school. If I move to Oklahoma, I will be moving 1200 miles, changing jobs, waiting a year, then going back to school. It’s all a matter of how fast to I want to have a degree in a field I will be happy in and make a decent wage and how much longer I can live away from my family. All in all if I stay here and complete my college courses, I will have been away from them for nearly a decade. Yet it seems such a short time ago that I left in seek of a new adventure.
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on one of my emotionally depressing, psychologically overwhelming rants about how bad my life is blah blah blah. Deal with it. It helps me to get it out so I can be that happy person most all of you see. On that note though, I must say goodbye for tonight. My work day is done.
Monday, July 14, 2008
11 days.
It's been 8 days since I posted a blog. 11 days since Nick moved out. And feels like an eternity for both. While I feel the ending of our relationship was for the best in the long run, it still hurts not having him there. I know he doesn't want to read this or even know I'm feeling this way but it's the way I feel. Nick, I'm sorry. You're a good guy and I do wish you the best.
On to things pertaining solely to myself. Work is my only sanctuary right now and that's a very disheartening thought. I pour myself into my career when I'm single usually however this go round, work isn't fulfilling. Of course that is one of the things that I want to change in my life. I will be going on to secondary education soon enough even though I can't afford it. I will take a part time job somewhere (anywhere at this point) to be able to afford to live. It is my hope and desire that even though it will be expensive and I cannot see how I will be able to afford it if I have no job to go to, I will be moved to Oklahoma by years end. Hopefully to a new set of friends and a new life. While I care greatly about those that I have here, it is time for me to move on. Or move back as it were to someplace strangely familiar even though it has been over 6 years since I have lived in Oklahoma and places, people, and things change a lot in 6 years. I don't know what I will do for a job or money down there yet, but I do know I will be attending school in some form. Either PT or FT, but somehow I will make it work and I will get my life back on track. I can no longer stomach the revulsion that is my life even with the betterments that have come from the last year. Currently at home I am rebuilding my resume so that I may hopefully find a job that can support me while I pursue higher education.
For those of you who read my blog, thank you for the kind words you have left me over time. They do mean a lot however can't compare to the solace or comfort a hug or shoulder offer. I am embarrassed that I am 27 years old and only have a high school diploma having squandered all of the opportunity I was presented with so young. A series of bad decisions, a series of life choices have lead me to this point and hopefully a series of corrections will lead me to where I want to be in life. I have the design picked out for the home I wish to build and live in. I have the dream cars I want in the drive way and garage of that home picked out. And while I don't have the partner who will spend his life with me in that home just yet, I know he will come to me one day. To those of you who know me outside of this digital world, I need your help and guidance. Perhaps even just a little bit of your time. Help to remind me of my goals, help keep me on track with them. And help save my mind from devouring itself with an onslaught of doubt.
On to things pertaining solely to myself. Work is my only sanctuary right now and that's a very disheartening thought. I pour myself into my career when I'm single usually however this go round, work isn't fulfilling. Of course that is one of the things that I want to change in my life. I will be going on to secondary education soon enough even though I can't afford it. I will take a part time job somewhere (anywhere at this point) to be able to afford to live. It is my hope and desire that even though it will be expensive and I cannot see how I will be able to afford it if I have no job to go to, I will be moved to Oklahoma by years end. Hopefully to a new set of friends and a new life. While I care greatly about those that I have here, it is time for me to move on. Or move back as it were to someplace strangely familiar even though it has been over 6 years since I have lived in Oklahoma and places, people, and things change a lot in 6 years. I don't know what I will do for a job or money down there yet, but I do know I will be attending school in some form. Either PT or FT, but somehow I will make it work and I will get my life back on track. I can no longer stomach the revulsion that is my life even with the betterments that have come from the last year. Currently at home I am rebuilding my resume so that I may hopefully find a job that can support me while I pursue higher education.
For those of you who read my blog, thank you for the kind words you have left me over time. They do mean a lot however can't compare to the solace or comfort a hug or shoulder offer. I am embarrassed that I am 27 years old and only have a high school diploma having squandered all of the opportunity I was presented with so young. A series of bad decisions, a series of life choices have lead me to this point and hopefully a series of corrections will lead me to where I want to be in life. I have the design picked out for the home I wish to build and live in. I have the dream cars I want in the drive way and garage of that home picked out. And while I don't have the partner who will spend his life with me in that home just yet, I know he will come to me one day. To those of you who know me outside of this digital world, I need your help and guidance. Perhaps even just a little bit of your time. Help to remind me of my goals, help keep me on track with them. And help save my mind from devouring itself with an onslaught of doubt.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Grandeur or dillusions of.
As I'm sure most of my readers know I ended the relationship I was in. This has brought about a lot of change and turmoil for both him and myself, and I can't help but have a sense of guilt for putting another human through so much pain as it appears I have/am putting him through. It's not easy watching someone that you care about go through so much even if you yourself aren't happy in the relationship. I have to admit I ended the relationship for reasons pertaining only to myself and what is best for me, not because of some mistake or egregious fuck up on his part. While he and I are no longer together, he is still an incredible guy with so much to give someone deserving of his heart. I say to that man, you are a lucky guy. Nick I wish you the best. I have known some wonderful people in my life and I count you in those ranks.
On to other matters, this week I am working 6 days but only 7 hours a day so it's not too bad. Still doesn't quite cure the boredom in the evenings and the lack of funds to go and do anything fun. I'm so used to having someone there all the time to talk to and to just have another body to be around and now that I'm living by myself again, it's taking some getting used to. I suppose now would be a good time to start exercising and riding my bike. Perhaps even back and forth to work seeing as I no longer have any evening obligations.
Tonight will be spent updating my resume and sending it to my family in OK so they can aid in the job hunt which brings me to my next point of discussion. I have lived in Toledo for 6.5 years now. Having been here this long I have set roots and lost contact with many of those I knew in Oklahoma. Those that really matter to me though I have stayed in touch with such as Jamie, David, Kyle, Matt, and my family. No longer having ties to this city besides my job and friends is a liberating feeling but at the same time, it comes with a sense of foreboding. I have longed for many years to return to my roots, to the family I left (what feels like) so long ago. I want to eventually build a home on my 40acres I will receive from my parents to live in peace in the country side with my partner, my soul mate, my better half whomever he may be. I want to have the home with the immaculate lawn, the SUV and nice car in the drive and the beater pickup out back, with a dog and maybe a cat or two. I want to be able to say "I have done what I wanted in life, and I have returned to where I was happiest and life has rewarded me with this." I know this is probably sounding like a lot of senseless blathering but it's what consumes me. It's what envelopes my every thought and dream.
A couple weeks ago, I flew home to visit my family for a quick weekend trip (again, thank you so much Nick). I got to see my brothers, and some of my nieces and nephews. One thing stands out from that visit that I never thought I'd ever see. My family has gotten old. I remember my grandparents not being far from the age my parents are now. My uncles and aunts being the age my brothers are and frankly it scares me to death. I know that it won't feel like long at all till they are gone and I will be alone. I am slightly upset at my brothers though. The one request I had of them for when I visited was to sit down and play cards or dominoes or one of the old games that is a deep rooted tradition in my family when someone visits. Yet they were more captivated by an outdoor and knife version of the home shopping network on the TV. This stung and while I love them and forgave them before I had went to bed that night, it just serves to reiterate how alienated I am from the rest of my family; something which I must correct.
Well boys and girls I should end this here and tend to work I have to do. Please leave a comment or email or something. I like to hear from people :)
~Preston
On to other matters, this week I am working 6 days but only 7 hours a day so it's not too bad. Still doesn't quite cure the boredom in the evenings and the lack of funds to go and do anything fun. I'm so used to having someone there all the time to talk to and to just have another body to be around and now that I'm living by myself again, it's taking some getting used to. I suppose now would be a good time to start exercising and riding my bike. Perhaps even back and forth to work seeing as I no longer have any evening obligations.
Tonight will be spent updating my resume and sending it to my family in OK so they can aid in the job hunt which brings me to my next point of discussion. I have lived in Toledo for 6.5 years now. Having been here this long I have set roots and lost contact with many of those I knew in Oklahoma. Those that really matter to me though I have stayed in touch with such as Jamie, David, Kyle, Matt, and my family. No longer having ties to this city besides my job and friends is a liberating feeling but at the same time, it comes with a sense of foreboding. I have longed for many years to return to my roots, to the family I left (what feels like) so long ago. I want to eventually build a home on my 40acres I will receive from my parents to live in peace in the country side with my partner, my soul mate, my better half whomever he may be. I want to have the home with the immaculate lawn, the SUV and nice car in the drive and the beater pickup out back, with a dog and maybe a cat or two. I want to be able to say "I have done what I wanted in life, and I have returned to where I was happiest and life has rewarded me with this." I know this is probably sounding like a lot of senseless blathering but it's what consumes me. It's what envelopes my every thought and dream.
A couple weeks ago, I flew home to visit my family for a quick weekend trip (again, thank you so much Nick). I got to see my brothers, and some of my nieces and nephews. One thing stands out from that visit that I never thought I'd ever see. My family has gotten old. I remember my grandparents not being far from the age my parents are now. My uncles and aunts being the age my brothers are and frankly it scares me to death. I know that it won't feel like long at all till they are gone and I will be alone. I am slightly upset at my brothers though. The one request I had of them for when I visited was to sit down and play cards or dominoes or one of the old games that is a deep rooted tradition in my family when someone visits. Yet they were more captivated by an outdoor and knife version of the home shopping network on the TV. This stung and while I love them and forgave them before I had went to bed that night, it just serves to reiterate how alienated I am from the rest of my family; something which I must correct.
Well boys and girls I should end this here and tend to work I have to do. Please leave a comment or email or something. I like to hear from people :)
~Preston
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Careers and catch-up
First and foremost I must apologize to all who actually (for some strange and bizarre reason) enjoy reading my little electronic scrawls. I know it has been some time since I have written anything but with time being a precious commodity that seems to only grow more scarce the older I get, the less of it I have for writing. So to you, I am sorry.
For the rest of you bitches, you better leave some love! :-P
Lately I’ve been playing different scenarios through my overactive mind and have come to the same end in all of them no matter what course of action seems to have been taken during these moments of contemplation. That inevitable end, the ultimate realization if you will, is that I am both uneducated, and inexperienced enough to attain my goals in life. With that being said I feel that is time to embark on yet another new career path. For those of you who have known me for years know that I have worked in a variety of fields, most of which have been niche markets. I seem to have a knack for finding the obscure and less conventional industries in which to work. I have been a call center tech (what gay man hasn’t) from there I worked for an airline as ground crew, then with my ex started a company which was then absorbed by our largest client, then downsized, and went into (of all things) real estate appraising briefly. Now I am currently employed as a “Senior Control Room Operator” for an industrial laundry service where I both oversee the operations of the cleaning department but I also run our mini petrochemical refinery, waste water pretreatment, and our 4 largest washers all for the discomfort of a currently un-air conditioned office in June.
With that brief recap out of the way, I have been exploring my aptitude and desire for certain career paths over the last few years. Going to school to get a degree in chemistry for example since it was always one of my favorite subjects and the rewards could be astronomical (morally speaking) if I were to find a cure for some random disease like ghonacyphaherpilaids. Of course the immediate monetary compensation for doing such work (from what I’ve gathered) would be meager at best. I have also considered nursing however the prospect of spending my clinicals cleaning the poop out of old man jenkins’ bed does not sound appealing in the least but helping people in general does and so does the healthy salary and job security that accompanies. There was also the brief second that I toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. However again we run into the situation that the immediate monetary compensation is less than desirable unless of course I could concoct some brilliant work of fiction rivaling that of J.K. Rowling. But then if my works become famous while I’m still alive there is always the risk of a deranged fan kidnapping me, tying me to a bed, and breaking my legs with my own typewriter (imagery courtesy of Kathy Bates in Misery). Then there is also the recurring theme that keeps being paraded in front of me, of entrepreneurship. One of my dearest friends Cory and my ex David are hatching plans left and right about ways to start a company expand it and keep it afloat. Having been down this road with my ex before, I know I am not good at starting things up, I am however pretty damn decent at running them once things are started. I have informed both of these dear gentleman that all they have to do is tell me when and where I am starting work and what I will be doing and I will be more than happy to assist them and the company in any shape form or fashion possible. I do however have a feeling this will be coming sooner rather than later which will be a good thing however once it comes, it could mean another pause in my higher education. All in all, there is a lot for me to think about here.
There is however one option which I haven’t broached in this little dribble of mine. That being: moving back to Oklahoma, getting a job with one of my brothers somewhere for a year and then continuing my education there where both tuition and cost of living are drastically cheaper. My parents have already offered to have me move in with them till I can find a job and get on my feet enough to get a place of my own. However the idea of moving back in with my parents is almost as appealing as having a root canal done with a 2” paddle bit by a blind dentist on crack. At the same time if I can find a job in Oklahoma City (the job market there is excellent or so I’m told) I can move in with my ex and his boyfriend as a roommate. A viable option considering I LOOOOVE his house and it’s not that far from my parents.
All I know is I have a lot of thinking to do about all this but this week that thinking will have to wait. This week is technical rehearsal and opening for Cabaret at The Toledo Rep (www.toledorep.org). What this means is that I work my normal 12 hours then RUSH to the theatre to contend with lights, directors, stage managers, actors, and of course, crew for a few hours then return home just in time to crawl in bed and do it all over again. This is causing some problems at home which I’d rather not throw the details of to the wolves.
On that note I must bid you farewell for now, and I expect some comments or emails with advice from those of you reading this.
~Preston
For the rest of you bitches, you better leave some love! :-P
Lately I’ve been playing different scenarios through my overactive mind and have come to the same end in all of them no matter what course of action seems to have been taken during these moments of contemplation. That inevitable end, the ultimate realization if you will, is that I am both uneducated, and inexperienced enough to attain my goals in life. With that being said I feel that is time to embark on yet another new career path. For those of you who have known me for years know that I have worked in a variety of fields, most of which have been niche markets. I seem to have a knack for finding the obscure and less conventional industries in which to work. I have been a call center tech (what gay man hasn’t) from there I worked for an airline as ground crew, then with my ex started a company which was then absorbed by our largest client, then downsized, and went into (of all things) real estate appraising briefly. Now I am currently employed as a “Senior Control Room Operator” for an industrial laundry service where I both oversee the operations of the cleaning department but I also run our mini petrochemical refinery, waste water pretreatment, and our 4 largest washers all for the discomfort of a currently un-air conditioned office in June.
With that brief recap out of the way, I have been exploring my aptitude and desire for certain career paths over the last few years. Going to school to get a degree in chemistry for example since it was always one of my favorite subjects and the rewards could be astronomical (morally speaking) if I were to find a cure for some random disease like ghonacyphaherpilaids. Of course the immediate monetary compensation for doing such work (from what I’ve gathered) would be meager at best. I have also considered nursing however the prospect of spending my clinicals cleaning the poop out of old man jenkins’ bed does not sound appealing in the least but helping people in general does and so does the healthy salary and job security that accompanies. There was also the brief second that I toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. However again we run into the situation that the immediate monetary compensation is less than desirable unless of course I could concoct some brilliant work of fiction rivaling that of J.K. Rowling. But then if my works become famous while I’m still alive there is always the risk of a deranged fan kidnapping me, tying me to a bed, and breaking my legs with my own typewriter (imagery courtesy of Kathy Bates in Misery). Then there is also the recurring theme that keeps being paraded in front of me, of entrepreneurship. One of my dearest friends Cory and my ex David are hatching plans left and right about ways to start a company expand it and keep it afloat. Having been down this road with my ex before, I know I am not good at starting things up, I am however pretty damn decent at running them once things are started. I have informed both of these dear gentleman that all they have to do is tell me when and where I am starting work and what I will be doing and I will be more than happy to assist them and the company in any shape form or fashion possible. I do however have a feeling this will be coming sooner rather than later which will be a good thing however once it comes, it could mean another pause in my higher education. All in all, there is a lot for me to think about here.
There is however one option which I haven’t broached in this little dribble of mine. That being: moving back to Oklahoma, getting a job with one of my brothers somewhere for a year and then continuing my education there where both tuition and cost of living are drastically cheaper. My parents have already offered to have me move in with them till I can find a job and get on my feet enough to get a place of my own. However the idea of moving back in with my parents is almost as appealing as having a root canal done with a 2” paddle bit by a blind dentist on crack. At the same time if I can find a job in Oklahoma City (the job market there is excellent or so I’m told) I can move in with my ex and his boyfriend as a roommate. A viable option considering I LOOOOVE his house and it’s not that far from my parents.
All I know is I have a lot of thinking to do about all this but this week that thinking will have to wait. This week is technical rehearsal and opening for Cabaret at The Toledo Rep (www.toledorep.org). What this means is that I work my normal 12 hours then RUSH to the theatre to contend with lights, directors, stage managers, actors, and of course, crew for a few hours then return home just in time to crawl in bed and do it all over again. This is causing some problems at home which I’d rather not throw the details of to the wolves.
On that note I must bid you farewell for now, and I expect some comments or emails with advice from those of you reading this.
~Preston
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Random Tangents
Adventure is sought in many different forms by many different people. Some look at adventure as the thrill of the riding the world’s tallest roller coaster. Others see a grand adventure in the pages of a well written novel. Everyone has some degree of curiosity about the next grand excursion be it one taken in the mind or one taken around the land, air, or water. Sometimes we are so desperate for the next escapade that we uproot our whole existence for the excitement of something new or something different. When I moved to Ohio in 2002 it was for the love of my bf and for the challenge of new place. A new venue to spread my wings and explore the unknown. Sadly though, when our relationship ended so did the desire for him to live near his family and he moved back to Oklahoma, the place of my heritage. I opted to stay here in Ohio because I had a decent job, friends, and was having fun. Since then my longing to return to my roots has done nothing but continue to grow. So much so that when I visited my family over Christmas, even with all of my responsibilities here I didn’t want to come back. I wanted to remain close to the ones I’ve known the longest. Stand beside then when they need me, visit my mom and dad every weekend and help them since, as is the case so many times, they got old over night. I visited them and they were fine, young and vibrant so full of life, and now when I visit, they are old and almost fragile but still very full of life and vitality. I fear losing one or both of them with every fiber of my being before I’m ready; before I’ve made my home and my life closer to theirs again.
Sometimes being gay is more difficult than a heterosexual person can fathom. I will have no children to take care of me when I grow old. I have no rights to marry the one I love so if he or I were to pass prematurely the estate would pass to the other. I will have no family members to celebrate my life if I pass at a ripe old age being the youngest of my family and alienated from my nieces and nephews. Family is one of the few things I cherish in my life and with each passing day it’s becoming more difficult to be separated from my blood by what feels like an entire world. While I have the few friends I have left here and my boyfriend. It still leaves me partially empty not being able to go see my mom on a random day and call her when I’m on the way to ask if she can make one of my favorite meals for dinner. It hurts knowing that I cannot be greeted with that warm smile that only a southern parent/grandparent can have and the hug that only a mom can give. At this very moment, my life seems to be a huge disappointment with a few scattered bright spots.
That’s all the dribble you get for now.
~Preston
Sometimes being gay is more difficult than a heterosexual person can fathom. I will have no children to take care of me when I grow old. I have no rights to marry the one I love so if he or I were to pass prematurely the estate would pass to the other. I will have no family members to celebrate my life if I pass at a ripe old age being the youngest of my family and alienated from my nieces and nephews. Family is one of the few things I cherish in my life and with each passing day it’s becoming more difficult to be separated from my blood by what feels like an entire world. While I have the few friends I have left here and my boyfriend. It still leaves me partially empty not being able to go see my mom on a random day and call her when I’m on the way to ask if she can make one of my favorite meals for dinner. It hurts knowing that I cannot be greeted with that warm smile that only a southern parent/grandparent can have and the hug that only a mom can give. At this very moment, my life seems to be a huge disappointment with a few scattered bright spots.
That’s all the dribble you get for now.
~Preston
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Thoughts and Props
We live in an online world. Everything is available to us via Google. If there is anything in the world that you need or want to read, see, view, or listen to, Google will probably have it or have a way to get to it. Try it sometime. However, this era of information at the speed of light, is accompanied by personal information at the speed of light. Your diary or blog or live journal or whatever you would like to call it, for example. You’ve put it online for all your friends and the voyeurs of your mind to read and browse at their leisure. This very blog for example is a way for me to release. A way for me to let my mind simply flow forth into words forming the occasional eloquent statement afforded by my limited literary ability. I scribe the entries to the clutches of the internet when time allows and thoughts are invoked. Sometimes I write because I want to put out there something I’ve learned and value. Sometimes I just write because it’s something I enjoy doing. Other times I hope it can inspire others who desire to scrawl their mental stirrings onto electronic paper for the world to see.
Recently though I have been shown, yet again, how regressive, juvenile, and blatantly ignorant of others people can be. Although those of us who chose to post or publish take a well known risk in putting our scribbles out for the general public to read, we never intend for someone to use this information against us or to prey on our insecurities. While we do allow comments and replies to our entries, (at least for me) this is more so to become a better writer or person or to simply allow someone who was affected by these writings to let me know how they were affected. I do not intend for this to be a public forum for those who wish to attack and demolish me or my loved ones. In an effort to keep the exchanges on my blog in the desired subject arena I wish to keep them in, I have made some adjustments to my account settings. I would suggest that all bloggers do the same to weed out any comments that do not pertain to your subject matter.
With the above mentioned business taken care of, it’s not often I have the time or patience to read other’s blogs. I do however wish to change this in the future so if you have any that you think I might find interesting or fascinating, please feel free to comment me or to email me.
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Flying is one of the few things that some people believe if man were intended to do, we would’ve been given wings. However man was given the ability to engineer wings, and engines, and guidance systems to enable us to hurl ourselves skyward and to keep us there. Being airborne is one of the things I greatly enjoy in life and have little time or money to do so anymore. Rising cost of petroleum, increased ticket prices, and the lack of funds for general aviation have all kept me from this beloved activity. If any of you reading this have ever been in my home, you instantly know that someone living there has an affinity for aviation. Boeing 727-200s, 757-200 & -300’s, 737-800s, Lockheed L-1011 Tristars, Air Force 1, Marine 1, and (my favorite) the Airbus A380-800 all adorn my humble abode in 1:200 scale models. If the starting salary for an airline pilot was more than $18,000 and all major airlines weren’t on hiring freezes for pilots I believe being a pilot is something I would enjoy doing. Shuttling people from place to place seeing the country at first and eventually the world would be a fantastic existence. Right? Well maybe not. I have worked in the aviation industry before but on the more grounded side of things being a ticket agent, ramp agent and gate agent at a small airport and did fly as much as I could while working there. Seeing a few cities, visiting family when I wanted, so I’ve seen the glamorous side and the not so glamorous side of things and I can tell you, the not so glamorous side is very UN-fabulous. It’s hard work for little pay. You spend long hours in the air and on the ground away from your home. Away from everything you know is comfortable all the while you’re either ushering a multi-million dollar aircraft full of people from place to another or you turn into a human pin cushion for the grabby drunk business men sitting in row 1 seats B and C.
It takes a special breed of person to work in the air and I can say I’m not one of them. Though the experiences I had flying jumpseat on a 34 seat twin engine turbo prop or assisting a mechanic change the starter on an engine were things I’d never trade for the world, I’ll keep my feet planted on the dirt for my career. But my hat is off to those who, for them, there is no greater thrill than hearing their copilot call out “V1 – Rotate….Wheels up time 2359. Another red eye.”
~Preston
Recently though I have been shown, yet again, how regressive, juvenile, and blatantly ignorant of others people can be. Although those of us who chose to post or publish take a well known risk in putting our scribbles out for the general public to read, we never intend for someone to use this information against us or to prey on our insecurities. While we do allow comments and replies to our entries, (at least for me) this is more so to become a better writer or person or to simply allow someone who was affected by these writings to let me know how they were affected. I do not intend for this to be a public forum for those who wish to attack and demolish me or my loved ones. In an effort to keep the exchanges on my blog in the desired subject arena I wish to keep them in, I have made some adjustments to my account settings. I would suggest that all bloggers do the same to weed out any comments that do not pertain to your subject matter.
With the above mentioned business taken care of, it’s not often I have the time or patience to read other’s blogs. I do however wish to change this in the future so if you have any that you think I might find interesting or fascinating, please feel free to comment me or to email me.
-----------------------------------------
Flying is one of the few things that some people believe if man were intended to do, we would’ve been given wings. However man was given the ability to engineer wings, and engines, and guidance systems to enable us to hurl ourselves skyward and to keep us there. Being airborne is one of the things I greatly enjoy in life and have little time or money to do so anymore. Rising cost of petroleum, increased ticket prices, and the lack of funds for general aviation have all kept me from this beloved activity. If any of you reading this have ever been in my home, you instantly know that someone living there has an affinity for aviation. Boeing 727-200s, 757-200 & -300’s, 737-800s, Lockheed L-1011 Tristars, Air Force 1, Marine 1, and (my favorite) the Airbus A380-800 all adorn my humble abode in 1:200 scale models. If the starting salary for an airline pilot was more than $18,000 and all major airlines weren’t on hiring freezes for pilots I believe being a pilot is something I would enjoy doing. Shuttling people from place to place seeing the country at first and eventually the world would be a fantastic existence. Right? Well maybe not. I have worked in the aviation industry before but on the more grounded side of things being a ticket agent, ramp agent and gate agent at a small airport and did fly as much as I could while working there. Seeing a few cities, visiting family when I wanted, so I’ve seen the glamorous side and the not so glamorous side of things and I can tell you, the not so glamorous side is very UN-fabulous. It’s hard work for little pay. You spend long hours in the air and on the ground away from your home. Away from everything you know is comfortable all the while you’re either ushering a multi-million dollar aircraft full of people from place to another or you turn into a human pin cushion for the grabby drunk business men sitting in row 1 seats B and C.
It takes a special breed of person to work in the air and I can say I’m not one of them. Though the experiences I had flying jumpseat on a 34 seat twin engine turbo prop or assisting a mechanic change the starter on an engine were things I’d never trade for the world, I’ll keep my feet planted on the dirt for my career. But my hat is off to those who, for them, there is no greater thrill than hearing their copilot call out “V1 – Rotate….Wheels up time 2359. Another red eye.”
~Preston
DEstruction and CONstruction
Self analysis can be one of the few things each person possesses that can keep them grounded and sane. Knowing one’s own limitations can, at times, be a thing of comfort. However there are times when we are overly analytical of ourselves. I myself seem to have been going through some of these events and the resulting conglomeration of depression self loathing and general displeasure have lead me to not care anymore. To give up on things I desire. One example is my appearance. The weight gain of 40 pounds has turned me into something that I detest and am disgusted with every time I look in the mirror. I don’t exercise as I should citing the maladies of my joints and back. I opt to continue smoking because I’m such a mean person when I try to quit and I don’t want to do that to my friends and loved ones.
Through this though, I have gained a wisdom beyond my years. A level of understanding of human nature that can only come with trial, tribulation, and these aforementioned overly analytical events. Yet, even though I can offer insight, advice, and a different perspective on a lot of things, these pearls of knowledge are often times unheeded since I so often times myself fail to follow my own advice. I keep repeating the same harsh circle of events but at the same time I grow a little more with each turn of the circle. Constructing a new me, albeit at a much slower pace that one would think is necessary.
I do however know people that their life is one constant self destructive event. They over analyze themselves repeatedly to a point where they are paralyzed sitting crying on the couch watching Steel Magnolias for the 11034959029347 time bawling their eyes out with 3 boxes of tissue and a gallon of Edy’s creamery style ice cream. This continued cycle however only has the effect of cementing itself more into a repeating cycle which will eventually become their comfort zone and if they try to break the cycle they will find it has become harder to break than diamond. We as people need to realize that our minds, our mental state, are dependant upon a yen and yang effect. For every destructive thing we put ourselves through there needs to be some good to counter balance. We need to build ourselves up as much as we tear ourselves down otherwise what will we have left of our psyches? In my observations and my experiences, not a lot.
So with all this thought provoking fodder, go out and play in the snow, have some fun, and lighten up on yourself!
~Preston
Through this though, I have gained a wisdom beyond my years. A level of understanding of human nature that can only come with trial, tribulation, and these aforementioned overly analytical events. Yet, even though I can offer insight, advice, and a different perspective on a lot of things, these pearls of knowledge are often times unheeded since I so often times myself fail to follow my own advice. I keep repeating the same harsh circle of events but at the same time I grow a little more with each turn of the circle. Constructing a new me, albeit at a much slower pace that one would think is necessary.
I do however know people that their life is one constant self destructive event. They over analyze themselves repeatedly to a point where they are paralyzed sitting crying on the couch watching Steel Magnolias for the 11034959029347 time bawling their eyes out with 3 boxes of tissue and a gallon of Edy’s creamery style ice cream. This continued cycle however only has the effect of cementing itself more into a repeating cycle which will eventually become their comfort zone and if they try to break the cycle they will find it has become harder to break than diamond. We as people need to realize that our minds, our mental state, are dependant upon a yen and yang effect. For every destructive thing we put ourselves through there needs to be some good to counter balance. We need to build ourselves up as much as we tear ourselves down otherwise what will we have left of our psyches? In my observations and my experiences, not a lot.
So with all this thought provoking fodder, go out and play in the snow, have some fun, and lighten up on yourself!
~Preston
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Time...
My oh my how time does fly when you're an adult. All too often lately I have found myself wanting to do something which is impossible. To simply resign my position as a functioning adult in society and assume the duties and responsibilities of an 8 year old. I believe we have all had this desire at times to just forget the troubles and woes and day to day drudgery that accompanies coming of age. Especially in this day and age.
I feel troubled for the youth of today and those we are incessantly bringing into this world. What is to be of their future if things are as they are now. Can we as a human race continue to improve ourselves and quality of life to a point of sustainable utopia? Has my generation as well as those before me left the world in such a state of discombobulation and disarray that our successors and heirs to this planet will not be able to repair the earth and our quality of life? These are things I ponder and fret over from time to time.
I myself have opted to not have offspring. Both because of my sexual orientation but also because parenthood is truly "not my thing." I have eight nieces and nephews so there are plenty to carry on the family name, traditions and blood line. I however still can't help but worry for my family's posterity what exactly is going to come of them as a result of decisions made by those that came before them. Will the little darlings I had a hand in helping shape into adults (to use a phrase I've used before) become more than the sum of their parts? Let us hope. In all of the history of my family only 1 person has gone on to pursue higher education to completion. My brother. While he holds two bachelor degrees he chose to work for my father and not use the degrees for the very noble career he had originally intended. He was to shape the minds, inspire great ambitions, and nourish the knowledge starved minds of today's youth. He was to be a teacher.
As I sit here at work and ponder these things and scribe my occasional mental regurgitation into an online blog for all to see and read, I wonder what life would be like if things were different somehow. Simply different. I don't know exactly what or how but if I had made a different decision when I was younger how that would effect me today. Would I be doing something different with my life. Where would I be? If I hadn't been raised to look at an obstacle not as something impossible but another challenge to conquer, who would I be now? I thank the divine powers for my parents and the influence they've had on my life every single day.
Though in the grand scheme of things my existence in this world will probably end insignificantly, I revel in knowing I have effected the lives of those around me and possibly inspired a few to greater heights than they thought were possible.
Just some things to think about :)
~Preston
I feel troubled for the youth of today and those we are incessantly bringing into this world. What is to be of their future if things are as they are now. Can we as a human race continue to improve ourselves and quality of life to a point of sustainable utopia? Has my generation as well as those before me left the world in such a state of discombobulation and disarray that our successors and heirs to this planet will not be able to repair the earth and our quality of life? These are things I ponder and fret over from time to time.
I myself have opted to not have offspring. Both because of my sexual orientation but also because parenthood is truly "not my thing." I have eight nieces and nephews so there are plenty to carry on the family name, traditions and blood line. I however still can't help but worry for my family's posterity what exactly is going to come of them as a result of decisions made by those that came before them. Will the little darlings I had a hand in helping shape into adults (to use a phrase I've used before) become more than the sum of their parts? Let us hope. In all of the history of my family only 1 person has gone on to pursue higher education to completion. My brother. While he holds two bachelor degrees he chose to work for my father and not use the degrees for the very noble career he had originally intended. He was to shape the minds, inspire great ambitions, and nourish the knowledge starved minds of today's youth. He was to be a teacher.
As I sit here at work and ponder these things and scribe my occasional mental regurgitation into an online blog for all to see and read, I wonder what life would be like if things were different somehow. Simply different. I don't know exactly what or how but if I had made a different decision when I was younger how that would effect me today. Would I be doing something different with my life. Where would I be? If I hadn't been raised to look at an obstacle not as something impossible but another challenge to conquer, who would I be now? I thank the divine powers for my parents and the influence they've had on my life every single day.
Though in the grand scheme of things my existence in this world will probably end insignificantly, I revel in knowing I have effected the lives of those around me and possibly inspired a few to greater heights than they thought were possible.
Just some things to think about :)
~Preston
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
HOLY HEFER!
MY GOODNESS it's been forever since I've thought about this little online coagulation of thoughts and ramblings! Well well well...where shall we start? hmmm how about personally. Personal life has been intersting to say the least...hell life in general is interesting if you think about it...a series of chemicals and elements all combining in an elaborate fashion to make not just a human but a PERSON. A person whose mind and emotions and feelings are all controlled by the combination of various chemicals and electrical impulses. It's amazing really if you think about it! Enough with the science lesson though...Army boi and I are still together and doing well! We have our little rough spots we have to work out and get through once in a while but we are definately committed completely to making this thing work. Dave is not quite used to being one of the most popular amongst a group of friends and I am always wanting to be on the go doing something with a set of our friends or organizing a big group of us to go to the mall or something LOL. Nothing like 8 or 10 gay men invading Franklin Park in a group! We have recently made a new friend Ben. He and Dave get along VERY well with all that "nerdy" stuff they like...and of course I love it too! It's so cute watching them go back and forth about scifi something. Ben is a great guy. On another note we signed for another year in hour apartment but we definately won't be staying there after this lease is up. Too damned expensive and with me not getting a raise anytime soon, gotta find something cheaper. Mikey and Scott are doing good and have moved into an apartment in the same building as ours YAY! Cory and Nate are doing well. Haven't seen them much since Cory got in with this new company...they hang out with the owner a lot. *shrugs* That and there is some friction between our two couples for some reason. Oh well! Cory and I have made it through worse. I have gotten involved with a local theatre here doing some lighting things with a friend of mine. I am really enjoying it and have met a great group of people who I seem to mesh with really well. On a more astounding note...I QUIT SMOKING as of August 1, 2005! YAY!!!!! Now if I can shed the extra 30 pounds of spare tire I seem to have aquired during the process. Now onto work. Work is always an interesting roller coaster ride of sorts. Well lets start with staffing changes. Cory = eliminated (same as David W.), STDJ = long gone, level 1 = so many changes we won't go into it, Todd stepped down as CEO and was replaced as CEO by our COO George. A close friend and I have nicknames for all these but that's an inside joke which is how it will stay. We'll see where the Airpath ride takes me from here!
Enough for now boys and girls. Hopefully more to come at a later time!
Preston
Enough for now boys and girls. Hopefully more to come at a later time!
Preston
Friday, May 06, 2005
OY GEVAULT!
The Yiddish lessons are coming along nicely! LOL j/k
Well boys and girls it's been yet another long expanse of time has passed since I have updated my poor little journal. Personal life is getting better and better! YAY!!!!! Army boi and I have been together since Valentine's day and things are WONDERFUL! I love you so much baby! You have no idea how much you mean to me.
Work is an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in a puzzle. I am just taking one day at a time. I will keep you posted but must cut this off here to spend some time with my baby boy!
The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is.......42.
Preston
Well boys and girls it's been yet another long expanse of time has passed since I have updated my poor little journal. Personal life is getting better and better! YAY!!!!! Army boi and I have been together since Valentine's day and things are WONDERFUL! I love you so much baby! You have no idea how much you mean to me.
Work is an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in a puzzle. I am just taking one day at a time. I will keep you posted but must cut this off here to spend some time with my baby boy!
The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is.......42.
Preston
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
It's been a while
WOW has it been a while since I've updated this thing. WELL!! Lets dig in shall we?
Lets start with the personal life. The last part of January Cory and I moved my ex David back to Oklahoma. 17 hours down in a moving truck (I drove the whole way down) and 14 hours back (Cory drove the whole way back) in a Ford Taurus. Some 2500 miles or so in 3 days was definitely an adventure but I couldn't have asked for a better friend to ride with on the trip. It just reinforced how much Cory really means to me. Army boi and I are officially boyfriends as of Valentine's Day 2005. Things are going well with us. We are very very much in love. He finally admitted that he loves me on Cory's b-day when we were all here drinking and having a good time and Cory pinned him down and interrogated him. LOL He has duty coming up this summer for 3 weeks. :( I'm very scared about being without him for 3 weeks. I cannot even begin to fathom if he gets deployed again but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Now for work. I'm just going to sum it up as short as I can. I HATE MY JOB AND WANT OUT SO FUCKING BAD I CAN'T STAND IT! However I have to stay there for the pay. Everything is a mess. Account managers have left, our corporate controller is leaving and being replaced, the CFO/COO they brought in from what I've heard has a rep for being a hatchet man for our VC. Everyday I grow more and more unhappy with where I'm at and where the company is going. I can adapt to things relatively well and I can manage and train people however I can't keep doing more and more and more while keeping up with all the same shit they expect me to. I'm just generally frustrated and PISSED OFF.
Well boys and girls I'm going to cut this off here.
Love you baby,
Preston
Lets start with the personal life. The last part of January Cory and I moved my ex David back to Oklahoma. 17 hours down in a moving truck (I drove the whole way down) and 14 hours back (Cory drove the whole way back) in a Ford Taurus. Some 2500 miles or so in 3 days was definitely an adventure but I couldn't have asked for a better friend to ride with on the trip. It just reinforced how much Cory really means to me. Army boi and I are officially boyfriends as of Valentine's Day 2005. Things are going well with us. We are very very much in love. He finally admitted that he loves me on Cory's b-day when we were all here drinking and having a good time and Cory pinned him down and interrogated him. LOL He has duty coming up this summer for 3 weeks. :( I'm very scared about being without him for 3 weeks. I cannot even begin to fathom if he gets deployed again but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Now for work. I'm just going to sum it up as short as I can. I HATE MY JOB AND WANT OUT SO FUCKING BAD I CAN'T STAND IT! However I have to stay there for the pay. Everything is a mess. Account managers have left, our corporate controller is leaving and being replaced, the CFO/COO they brought in from what I've heard has a rep for being a hatchet man for our VC. Everyday I grow more and more unhappy with where I'm at and where the company is going. I can adapt to things relatively well and I can manage and train people however I can't keep doing more and more and more while keeping up with all the same shit they expect me to. I'm just generally frustrated and PISSED OFF.
Well boys and girls I'm going to cut this off here.
Love you baby,
Preston
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Life Anew
Dear reader:
Hello! How are you? Me? I'm doing well. I am starting to get back into the swing of things. Taking one day at a time. There are still a lot of things in my life that are balls of confusion, but I'm muddling through. I am trying to quit smoking...again. We'll see how soon it is before I have a pack of cigs flung at me and am ordered to smoke. Also it's going to be a crap shoot as to which one of my friends and/or co-workers it is that purchases the smokes! LOL Happens every time. Not to say I'm a complete and total bitch when I try to quit smoking, but I'm a complete and total bitch when I try to quit smoking. ;) Well dear reader this is all for now. Stay tuned for further updates.
Preston
Hello! How are you? Me? I'm doing well. I am starting to get back into the swing of things. Taking one day at a time. There are still a lot of things in my life that are balls of confusion, but I'm muddling through. I am trying to quit smoking...again. We'll see how soon it is before I have a pack of cigs flung at me and am ordered to smoke. Also it's going to be a crap shoot as to which one of my friends and/or co-workers it is that purchases the smokes! LOL Happens every time. Not to say I'm a complete and total bitch when I try to quit smoking, but I'm a complete and total bitch when I try to quit smoking. ;) Well dear reader this is all for now. Stay tuned for further updates.
Preston
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Overwhelmed
Have you ever had the feeling that the world was spinning so very fast that you were going to fly off into space? That there was no way you could possibly keep up and do everything that you have been tasked with? Where you just wished the world would leave you alone for a while except for those that you want to let in? That pretty much sums things up lately. A mass of confusion compiled upon an ever mounting list of tasks to complete at work.
I want some way to get away. Some way to not have to worry about the daily stresses of life. Some way to escape if even for a little while. Some way to quiet my mind and not have to think about anything.
I suppose that I have put myself in this situation. I suppose I am the one who bears the responsibility for being here. Life used to be so much simpler. How did things get so complicated? Work is a nightmare, my personal life is a mass of confusion. *sigh* What can I do though besides take one day at a time.
That will be all for the evening.
Preston
I want some way to get away. Some way to not have to worry about the daily stresses of life. Some way to escape if even for a little while. Some way to quiet my mind and not have to think about anything.
I suppose that I have put myself in this situation. I suppose I am the one who bears the responsibility for being here. Life used to be so much simpler. How did things get so complicated? Work is a nightmare, my personal life is a mass of confusion. *sigh* What can I do though besides take one day at a time.
That will be all for the evening.
Preston
Friday, December 24, 2004
A positive outlook
Normally just a simple phrase that means to always look on the bright side of things, no matter what. Something I do sometimes have trouble accomplishing. Having said that, things are going well. Work is going okay. Busy as all hell but going okay. Erik and I seem to be hitting it off really well and I think are going to work very well together. Not only is he a good boss but he is also becoming a close friend. All in all he's a really great guy.
On the personal side of things...things are going okay. I upset Dave today with the phrasing of a question because I was confused as to what he meant by something. I hope he took my explaination of what I really meant and has forgiven me. I have more to say about that but nothing I want to get into except with him.
I finally got the new phone server put in with Cory tonight. We really didn't expect to get it done tonight but what do you know....IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!! Thank the diety of your preference.
AND WITH THAT!!! I have next week off! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!! I'm going to kick back and not do a DAMN thing.
Good night all!
Preston
On the personal side of things...things are going okay. I upset Dave today with the phrasing of a question because I was confused as to what he meant by something. I hope he took my explaination of what I really meant and has forgiven me. I have more to say about that but nothing I want to get into except with him.
I finally got the new phone server put in with Cory tonight. We really didn't expect to get it done tonight but what do you know....IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!! Thank the diety of your preference.
AND WITH THAT!!! I have next week off! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!! I'm going to kick back and not do a DAMN thing.
Good night all!
Preston
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Confusion
Well dear readers, it has been a while since I posted of my latest goings on and general blatherings. Things have been going very off the wall for me to say the least. Lets start with work.
Work, yet another 4 letter word of the english language, has steadily become a nightmare from hell to say the least. With the firing of my ex David, the company hired a director of operations to which I now report. Also I was "hand picked" to be the Level 1 End User Support supervisor which means I now have the entire call center under me except for the 3 provider support guys. PLUS all the crap I was handling normally on top of this now. Needless to say things have been interesting and hectic at work.
Now time for personal (this is where it's going to get long). Things have been going okay for me. I am staying in my apartment since David is no longer getting the house in Holland because of the whole getting fired thing. Army boi (Dave) and I have been taking one day at a time. I really really really like this guy and from what it seems and what he says he really likes me also. I have made it known that I want to date him and he said (once I pried it out of him) that he wants to date me but is scared. Personally I can understand why because he has gotten screwed over in the past by a couple guys and that is just never an easy thing to get over but in the same breath I am not those guys. We have had a couple episodes where he has hurt me over the last few days but that's just because I was reading too much into things. Last wed night was a perfect example. I was having a really kinda depressed and down night getting things ready for the christmas party and just generally depressive state. I mentioned that I wanted someone to just hold me and after a little discussion he came over. He was EXTREMELY affectionate that night which was absolutely wonderful and just made me feel like I was on cloud nine. We retired and shared a VERY amazing experience. Well it came out that he didn't even remember the conversation we had leading up to his arrival and the only reason he came over was because he was horny. Talk about feeling used. I have a protective thing that happens when I get hurt....after I cry, all emotions are shut off except for the anger. Well I asked what he was thinking as I was smoking a cig and he just said "I screwed up big time I should have never came over wed." He eventually let it all out and started crying also because he had hurt me. Of course with that how could I not forgive him so I hugged him and said "it's okay baby I forgive you" and we retired to bed. SO with all that said and done I'm thinking "great we made a break through hopefully it won't be long then until he's ready to date." Well he came over last night and had been drinking again (not that much) but was really affectionate and just generally it was a good night. (notice a pattern of alcohol = affection yet?) When we got up this afternoon (granted yes all I felt like doing was staying in bed and not doing a damn thing but it was his birthday so I wanted to take him out to dinner but we got up so late it was time for him to meet his friend Tom. So the dinner was postponed, no big, but it was the fact that he didn't say very much and like he just wanted to get the hell outta here today that kind of disturbed me. OH WELL! Nothing I can do about issues that someone doesn't want me to help with. SO from this point forward I'm going to take the stance that if he wants to date me like he says he does he can come after me instead of me mindlessly pursuing something that I can never obtain and getting myself hurt countless times in the process. Yes dear reader you are probably thinking "WELL IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN TIME HE WOKE UP!" What can I say...I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. What I feel for someone is just that...it's genuinely what I feel for that person.
BUT that is enough blathering on endlessly about my issues. How have you all been doing? ......
Preston
Work, yet another 4 letter word of the english language, has steadily become a nightmare from hell to say the least. With the firing of my ex David, the company hired a director of operations to which I now report. Also I was "hand picked" to be the Level 1 End User Support supervisor which means I now have the entire call center under me except for the 3 provider support guys. PLUS all the crap I was handling normally on top of this now. Needless to say things have been interesting and hectic at work.
Now time for personal (this is where it's going to get long). Things have been going okay for me. I am staying in my apartment since David is no longer getting the house in Holland because of the whole getting fired thing. Army boi (Dave) and I have been taking one day at a time. I really really really like this guy and from what it seems and what he says he really likes me also. I have made it known that I want to date him and he said (once I pried it out of him) that he wants to date me but is scared. Personally I can understand why because he has gotten screwed over in the past by a couple guys and that is just never an easy thing to get over but in the same breath I am not those guys. We have had a couple episodes where he has hurt me over the last few days but that's just because I was reading too much into things. Last wed night was a perfect example. I was having a really kinda depressed and down night getting things ready for the christmas party and just generally depressive state. I mentioned that I wanted someone to just hold me and after a little discussion he came over. He was EXTREMELY affectionate that night which was absolutely wonderful and just made me feel like I was on cloud nine. We retired and shared a VERY amazing experience. Well it came out that he didn't even remember the conversation we had leading up to his arrival and the only reason he came over was because he was horny. Talk about feeling used. I have a protective thing that happens when I get hurt....after I cry, all emotions are shut off except for the anger. Well I asked what he was thinking as I was smoking a cig and he just said "I screwed up big time I should have never came over wed." He eventually let it all out and started crying also because he had hurt me. Of course with that how could I not forgive him so I hugged him and said "it's okay baby I forgive you" and we retired to bed. SO with all that said and done I'm thinking "great we made a break through hopefully it won't be long then until he's ready to date." Well he came over last night and had been drinking again (not that much) but was really affectionate and just generally it was a good night. (notice a pattern of alcohol = affection yet?) When we got up this afternoon (granted yes all I felt like doing was staying in bed and not doing a damn thing but it was his birthday so I wanted to take him out to dinner but we got up so late it was time for him to meet his friend Tom. So the dinner was postponed, no big, but it was the fact that he didn't say very much and like he just wanted to get the hell outta here today that kind of disturbed me. OH WELL! Nothing I can do about issues that someone doesn't want me to help with. SO from this point forward I'm going to take the stance that if he wants to date me like he says he does he can come after me instead of me mindlessly pursuing something that I can never obtain and getting myself hurt countless times in the process. Yes dear reader you are probably thinking "WELL IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN TIME HE WOKE UP!" What can I say...I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. What I feel for someone is just that...it's genuinely what I feel for that person.
BUT that is enough blathering on endlessly about my issues. How have you all been doing? ......
Preston
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Ramblings
I have come to a not so startling conclusion as of late. Those whom we love can hurt us very deeply, without even trying. I feel my heart cannot bear another blow, another tear, another break, another scar to bear silently eating me away inside while I idly stand by and say "I want nothing more than your happiness."
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I give willingly of myself to those I care about...and in return I am usually hurt....adding yet another scar to the many I bear each day. Hoping one day to find that special someone who will take my heart willingly and guard it as well as I do theirs.
Dave asked me if everything was okay tonight. I told him it wasn't and that it wasn't his battle but he offered me an ear anyway. That really means a lot to me. More than I'm sure he knows. I really like Dave...A LOT. But that's another story. Hopefully whatever he is stressing about I can help him with. He is a great person and I am very glad to have him in my life, in whatever form it may evolve into. Dave, if you're reading this, thank you for just being you. :)
That is all for tonight.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I give willingly of myself to those I care about...and in return I am usually hurt....adding yet another scar to the many I bear each day. Hoping one day to find that special someone who will take my heart willingly and guard it as well as I do theirs.
Dave asked me if everything was okay tonight. I told him it wasn't and that it wasn't his battle but he offered me an ear anyway. That really means a lot to me. More than I'm sure he knows. I really like Dave...A LOT. But that's another story. Hopefully whatever he is stressing about I can help him with. He is a great person and I am very glad to have him in my life, in whatever form it may evolve into. Dave, if you're reading this, thank you for just being you. :)
That is all for tonight.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Things that make you go hmmmmmmm
Well folks things have been interesting, stressful, disappointing, happy, and wonderful at the same time. Professionally things have been busy and still kind of up in the air. I had a long conversation with our CEO the other day and well it seems as though things may be looking up with the company.
Personally things have been intriguing and I don't know what to do really. I've finally aired all my thoughts to Cory about his situation which made me feel better for a few minutes and it helped him wake up and realize what has been going on. On the other hand I absolutely adore Cory. He is a wonderful guy and very attractive. I have wanted him since I met him, however it was made apparently clear I can NEVER have him beyond a friendship. No big surprise there but it just hurt coming from David. Dave (my "friend" in the army) has been stressed lately and has been kind of recoiling away from me. Who knows what is going on there. I do really like him. I guess I need to stay single for a while even though David wants us to get back together. I haven't even been remotely interested in anything beyond just hanging out and maybe cuddling with someone lately. I think I'm just going to retreat into my world and only speak when spoken to and see what happens. There is no point in me even trying anymore with these guys or any point in me even remotely trying to put my heart out there again just to have it turned down. I don't know of I should leave my apartment now or not with the developments with David basically calling me a lying whore.
I'm sure some of you reading this are thinking "oh great he's throwing another pitty party" so I'm just going to cut this off here.
Later
Preston
Personally things have been intriguing and I don't know what to do really. I've finally aired all my thoughts to Cory about his situation which made me feel better for a few minutes and it helped him wake up and realize what has been going on. On the other hand I absolutely adore Cory. He is a wonderful guy and very attractive. I have wanted him since I met him, however it was made apparently clear I can NEVER have him beyond a friendship. No big surprise there but it just hurt coming from David. Dave (my "friend" in the army) has been stressed lately and has been kind of recoiling away from me. Who knows what is going on there. I do really like him. I guess I need to stay single for a while even though David wants us to get back together. I haven't even been remotely interested in anything beyond just hanging out and maybe cuddling with someone lately. I think I'm just going to retreat into my world and only speak when spoken to and see what happens. There is no point in me even trying anymore with these guys or any point in me even remotely trying to put my heart out there again just to have it turned down. I don't know of I should leave my apartment now or not with the developments with David basically calling me a lying whore.
I'm sure some of you reading this are thinking "oh great he's throwing another pitty party" so I'm just going to cut this off here.
Later
Preston
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