Over the years I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people and a lot of things. Some of which were very difficult decisions and others were quite easy. For each and everyone I spent many many painstaking hours debating, arguing with myself if you will, if I was making the right decision and how to approach it. Such internal debate is often not visible to those around us so when the bombshell is finally dropped, the reaction is often intense and I have found myself being called anything from a heartless disrespecting bastard to, something which stung even worse, considerate for taking into account all the different aspects and making a decision and being adult enough to handle it. I’ve been thanked by people for being their friend or their lover. I’ve been cursed for the same things as well. This blog is to give all of you a little insight to my mind. My thought process which some of you have seen and others have no clue about. I am a person who is both constantly anxious and worried about what others think and carefree as well. I give off an air that I am cool, confident and collected (or at least I try) all the while there is a constant battle raging in my delicate psyche about whether I made the right choice about ANYTHING. God forbid it is a big decision like saying goodbye to someone then the internal stress level escalates into a physical manifestation of pain, blood and digestive maladies. When you add on top of this financial difficulties…well you can see where I’m going with this.
Saying goodbye is something that is never easy to do for anyone. Of course there is the proverbial “you wronged me, you must now be banished” line of thinking however even still, goodbye is difficult. Lately I’ve been burdened with the decision of saying good bye to Toledo and returning to Oklahoma. I have many offers for help, many suggestions as to how to accomplish this however such a drastic change is not an easy decision to make. If I stay in Toledo, I will be changing jobs and starting back to school. If I move to Oklahoma, I will be moving 1200 miles, changing jobs, waiting a year, then going back to school. It’s all a matter of how fast to I want to have a degree in a field I will be happy in and make a decent wage and how much longer I can live away from my family. All in all if I stay here and complete my college courses, I will have been away from them for nearly a decade. Yet it seems such a short time ago that I left in seek of a new adventure.
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on one of my emotionally depressing, psychologically overwhelming rants about how bad my life is blah blah blah. Deal with it. It helps me to get it out so I can be that happy person most all of you see. On that note though, I must say goodbye for tonight. My work day is done.