Thursday, November 27, 2008

Another Chapter

Well dear readers as I’m sure a lot of you know this past weekend I wrote the ending sentence & put the final period into another chapter of my life. A chapter which, as so many of them are, was fraught with pain, struggle, heart break, and tears. Tears of both sadness and of joy. Tears which were necessary to be shed for me to have a happier life overall. This past weekend I ended my reign of independence I have so enjoyed for so very long. I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend as a roommate.

Since I moved from my parent’s at the age of 18 I have always lived on my own or with my lover at the time. I have never had the right of passage that comes with having a roommate. Although I think this situation will be one that will over all be a wonderful one, it is still yet uncharted territory for me. While my independence has been somewhat limited now due to a new codependence on someone for financial reasons, this foreign territory for me has already afforded me a new found freedom. As I write this post in black pen on a Boeing 757-251 bound for Fort Lauderdale, Florida I have to think that if I were to live on my own or be with a lover I wouldn’t have been able to accept this trip. This opportunity to see friends and people I consider family. A trip so graciously made possible by one of the kindest men I have ever met in my life.

Having just had a lovely exchange with one of the male flight attendants onboard named Wes. (A rather handsome man I might add.) I feel a new lease on life has begun. Skiboy and * thus far seem to be quite a match for roommates. Similar interests and a resounding fact I stay gone for extended periods of time due to first one thing and then 10,000 others. If any of you saw the schedule I posted on myspace, you know that October and November were and continue to be very hectic months between travels, love interest, theatre, and work. I have barely had time to say hello to any of my closest friends let alone take time to do any resting. For example the past month. Tech week then open then taking care of someone very special to me who is having health problems. The following week was filled with work, then performances, very limited time with friends, then more time with said special someone. The following week was more work, then Wednesday was “girls night in” with Kimmy and Molly, Thursday work and performance, Friday packing and performance then out with Kimmy, then home (drunk) to do more packing and get ready to move Saturday. Mind you the entire move had to be completed Saturday! There was no other option for a day or date to move. Everything had to be in the new place by 6pm on Saturday 11/22/08. After having postponed the start time of the move by four (4) hours, my help showed at the new designated time and we commenced. The move was completed by 4pm Saturday 11/22/08 thanks to the immeasurable help provided by dear friends and despite being stood up for help by a couple of others (you know who you are). Sunday, mandatory work due to thanksgiving. So with work Sunday out of the way, Sunday evening was spent cleaning the old apartment. Monday was work obviously, and then pick up the last of the cleaning supplies and taking out the trash at the old apartment THEN starting to organize the common areas of the new digs. Tuesday after work was spent getting the aforementioned special someone situated for the weekend while I would be away. Today is now Wednesday 11/26/08 and I have worked and am now on a plane for a holiday in the sun with dear friends. The end of this trip will mark the end of November, a month so racked with travel, activities, and general hubbub and hullabaloo. I am looking forward to December with weekends spent with friends and family. A time to relax. A time to start another chapter. A chance to scrawl the beginning lines of another chapter in the story that is the rest of my life.

Each day I’m given is a new lease on life. Each day is something that I am becoming increasingly thankful to have been given. There are many times I get down on myself or my life and think things are just so damned busy and I can’t seem to catch up or get ahead or rest. I have learned a philosophy from the continually mentioned “special someone. That being, when you think how bad things are for you, just remember that things are always worse for someone else somewhere.

I’ve mentioned my father in past posts, his disability, and how he has never let the fact he can’t walk ever hinder or keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. I told this story to this special someone and he said “wow see that is something that reminds that things could always be worse.” While I am happy someone so special to me could draw inspiration from my family…from the same person whom I draw inspiration from, I am unsure if he realizes how that comment came across. My father and my family are very proud people and I love them very dearly. My father’s disability is not something that is something to be pitied or even thought of as worse. My dad has led a full life and his disability is just another thing about him. Just like the fact that I’m gay isn’t my entire identity or but is a part or description or merely an adjective to describe me. Paraplegic is much the same for my father.

For everyone out there who reads this and actually seems to enjoy it (why I can’t fathom), remember that each chapter of your life is a direct result of how you write it. Each chapter is what you make of it. So take the proverbial pen to hand, accept the task of writing your own destiny and write yourself a life story that you will be happy with. Perhaps a life story so grand that everyone will think of you and wonder how you did it. Perhaps a life story that is modest and happy. Your life story is what YOU write it as. Take the pen, take control, make your life what you want it, and remember only you can change who you are or what is wrong in your life to make it for the better.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Change is a comin'

It’s been eight days since I’ve made a journal entry. I thought I’d do a little one to let everyone know how things are going in my little corner of the world.

As of this morning I started a new medication that hopefully will remedy an ongoing problem I’ve been having. YAY for that! Also this morning I stepped down to the 7mg patch in the adventure of quitting smoking. Yes that’s right folks, I’m quitting smoking yet again and this time it has been much easier than I had anticipated. Two weeks on this tiny little patch then I’m free! During this process I haven’t gained any additional weight, as a matter of fact, I’ve lost a couple pounds which brings us to our next topic, my body. I will soon be joining a gym or going to school or both depending on how crap goes. I have to get some questions resolved first. I’m currently at 156 pounds. I want to weigh around 190 and be built like a brick shithouse. So that’s the next thing on my list of personal improvements to make.

I am moving this Saturday and I desperately need boxes. I think I’m going to have to resort to snagging some from work in order to make the move. Casa de Skiboy HERE I COME! Moving will be an adventure. We have to figure out exactly what is going where when I move. May have to finagle a few things around once we’re in but all in all I think we’ll be fine.

Work is going okay. No major surprises or developments there.

Love life can be summed up in one word…CONFUSION!

So feel free to leave me some love! That means you better leave me some love damn it.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Each and every time I hear of someone fighting for one cause or another, I often ask myself, “Do I want to get involved in this?” Sadly the far too frequent answer I find myself is “no I really don’t.” Whether it be because I don’t want to cause waves or I don’t have time for a cause or I simply don’t have the energy to put forth I find myself complacent and content in my own little world. I go to work, I come home, I pursue love…it’s my routine. On November 4th, 2008 I heard of something that I never thought I’d hear. I heard the state of California approved proposition 8. When talking with one of my straight friends about the ramifications this has and how it saddens me that if the state of California can’t keep the state out of gay marriage then there must be little to no hope for the rest of the states, he posed the question “well does this amendment allow for civil unions? A compromise of sorts where the religious right can have something and gays can have something?” I researched Prop 8 and read the entirety of this proposition. I was shocked and dismayed that it was less than a paragraph. The actual verbiage to be added to the California state constitution is ONE (1) sentence! The power one sentence has on an entire minority in society never really struck until that very moment. One sentence has no obliterated all hope for people like me, people who are gay, to be able to share the same rights afforded to those of the heterosexual persuasion. Below is the entirety of proposition 8 courtesy of

This initiative measure is submitted to the people in accordance with the
provisions of Article II, Section 8, of the California Constitution.
This initiative measure expressly amends the California Constitution by
adding a section thereto; therefore, new provisions proposed to be added are
printed in italic type to indicate that they are new.
SECTION 1. Title
This measure shall be known and may be cited as the “California Marriage
Protection Act.”
SECTION 2. Section 7.5 is added to Article I of the California Constitution,
to read:
SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized
in California.

I watched a video from Keith Olbermann from MSNBC. I think he summed up our position and why we want equal rights very succinctly. While chatting with the aforementioned straight friend, I mentioned the past struggles of other groups for equal rights. Women, blacks, etc. Roughly 50% of our population is made up of women; they achieved equal rights before blacks. Blacks at the time made up a smaller percentage of the populous and the struggle for equal rights for blacks took even longer. Up until the 1960’s and even 70’s in some places. Gay’s make up (last statistic I heard) rough 10% of the populous. As a result our fight has taken even longer, and will take longer yet to achieve the same rights of marriage. The percentage of the populous that the minority fighting for equal rights makes up is directly proportionate to the length of time they must fight and struggle to achieve said rights. The struggle and fight for equal rights takes not only just those who are outspoken enough to stand up and be called radical nuts, but a community effort. We all have to pull together and fight for the rights we want and deserve.

Being the only gay person in the place where I work, I have found out several people’s views on gay marriage and surprisingly some did have the courage to tell me what they really thought on the issue. Some were flat out against it for ridiculous reasons. The view it’s sacrilegious was one. The ability for people of the same sex to defraud companies (insurance policies) and the government (taxes) for money was another. I couldn’t help but laugh literally in the face of these arguments as I turned each and every one around and perforated them with holes so numerous they could hold no more water than a sieve. While I know I didn’t change anyone’s mind I did make them think. What if the heterosexual community were in the minority? What if they were the ones who were told that they can’t be married because it’s against whatever religious text you chose to read? What if they were the ones that were denied the chance at for committed, legally binding, happiness? I look back on how many failed marriages I have seen and how many marriages I have seen endured because the couple didn’t see a way out or they had children. I look back and I see that in my own family both my brothers have been divorced and remarried. Yet I will probably never be afforded that right to even have a chance at wedded bliss.

At the same time I have spoken sometimes at length about the issue with gay friends. Some are very much for gay marriage; they want to go out and hold signs and petition the senators and various entities for help in the fight. While others, are more complacent…more “laid back” if you prefer. They tend to think “well I don’t think I’m a marriage type” or “I don’t want to get married so why should I fight for that right?” It pains me to hear of our own community having these views. There is no sense of the greater good. Personally, I don’t know if I want to get married. I honestly could probably live my life with my partner (once I find him) whom I would love and cherish with every fiber of my being without the pomp and circumstance of being married. But for the government to step in and enact legislation that limits its citizens' life, their liberty, and their ability to pursue happiness is a defamation and affront to the very foundation our nation was established on. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” – The Declaration of Independence, Congress July 4, 1776.

We as a nation and a community must stand up and take notice of the rights of the gay community which are being trodden upon. We as a nation and a community must stand up and unite for what we believe in. We as a nation and a community must not stand idly by in our own complacency while there are entire groups that are denied the same rights and privileges afforded others. Stand up, speak out, take a stance, and live for something! Strive for a higher purpose…for the greater good and betterment of our society.


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The World As We Know It, See It, and Want It To Be

A little less than a year ago, I posted a blog expressing my concerns on the increasingly rapid degradation of the state of our world. The direct link to that post is Yesterday was a truly historic event in our country and our world. One in which I hope with all sincerity and earnest that my generations and the others involved made the right decision. A decision which will help to place the country on a course to return to grander times. Or maybe even help us march forward to a time where everyone is truly equal…the sustainable utopia mentioned in my previous post. In any event, the ballots have been cast, the quick votes have been tabulated, and even if there is some egregious error in the initial reporting, I don’t believe it will be one on such a magnitude as that of Bush/Gore in 2000 some eight years ago.

My experiences in exercising my civic duty as a registered voter in the United States of America have been varied. I have vote in now three presidential elections. The first of which was the aforementioned Bush/Gore debacle of 2000. Having just turned 18 I was very excited to let my opinion be known via my ballot. I marched into the polling location, showed my ID and voter registration card and filled out my ballot. I chose what issues and taxes I wanted to pass or fail. I chose what local candidates I wanted to see in office. I even chose what person I thought best to lead my country. At the time being so young and naïve I chose George W. Bush. Yes you can hold me partially responsible for the current state of country since I am one of the millions who voted for what some call the anti-christ for his first term. As I’ve grown older, and I’d like to think somewhat wiser, my views on politics, though seldom discussed or expressed, have changed and grown into what they are today. I fervently believe the religious right has no authority to tell me how I can live my life or whom I can be married to. I also believe that we are free to express our opinions and views without fear of punishment because of the groundwork our forefathers laid some 221 years ago and the continuing effort of our armed forces who keep our country free and our land safe. I believe in a world united and full of peace. I believe also that sometimes a belief may be so strong that action must be taken and at times, that action must be radical. While I do not condone violence, I believe we should not simply roll over or back down when attacked. I believe the United States should not be the world police, taking it’s young men and women on “peace keeping” missions to the far reaches of the world unless absolutely necessary. Our ever vigilant occupation of foreign soils I believe must be curtailed and people the world over should be allowed to live free; free from oppression by a religious right, free from oppression period. Our allies should step up and assist in each and every way. The US, being the youngest of the world super powers is overzealous in it’s pursuit of democracy and equality for all even though, we are not a democracy. (For those of you who know a little about the definitions of government, you know what I’m talking about). I could prattle on for quite an extended period of time on this subject but I won’t. I will spare you the anguish of reading all of that.

I sincerely hope that the elections results, having a young democratic president and a democratic congress, will help to take this country in the direction it needs to be taken. Towards that sustainable utopian existence. A country and a world which I can be proud to pass on to the children of today. One which I can proudly say, I cast my vote for the leader who started it all.


Sunday, November 02, 2008


A common household object that is also a metaphor for looking inside oneself. As of late I have had the unsettling feeling of looking into a mirror and wondered exactly who was looking back at me because it wasn’t me. Maybe another facet of my personality, maybe I always viewed myself differently than what I was seeing at that time. Who knows right? Only I can answer that question. Only I can be the one who goes on the grand adventure of discovery of just who Preston is. I mean lets think about this….who am I? Lately I can’t really say for sure. I mean there are always the standard things of what I am; I’m caring, I can be sweet, I am gay, I am very sexual, I am a mess. But just WHO am I? I find myself as of lately asking that question a lot. Am I a lover? Am I a husband waiting to be found? Am I another nameless face in the crowd? I can say what it feels like I am as of late. I feel as though I’m just simply another nameless face in the crowd. Just another gay man who is struggling to get by one day at a time. I feel like I’m nothing special. I honestly haven’t felt special in a long time. I feel because I am one who wears his feelings on his sleeve; because I’m one who will tell someone I like them if I like them; because I am someone who trusts that someone will do something they said they would do that I am always going to be a play thing for those who are more guarded. Something they can dangle and bat around for their amusement. I fear I am talked about more in whispered conversations than one should be. More of a “watch this, I’m going to say I’m going to hang out with this person” or “I’m going to flirt with him then completely ditch him…this’ll be fun!” It feels as though it’s my lot in life lately.

In the past I have written about becoming or wanting to be greater than the sum of my parts. I feel actually less than the sum of my parts tonight. As if I’m another play toy in a game of vengeance and hurt that perpetuates itself onto the unsuspecting victims who simply want to find love. I feel video games take precedence over me. I feel as though alcohol has a greater value than me. I feel as though everything in this world has a greater emotional and monetary value than me. It’s both a disturbing and sickening feeling. It makes me ask “is this all I’ve ever been my whole life?” Is this all I am destined to be? Some pathetic faggot wanting to find love which doesn’t exist?

Tonight it feels like that. Tonight it feels like the only option to deal with this constantly battered heart of mine is to cut it out. To remove all emotion from my life except anger and bitterness. But that’s not what I want to be! And while it’s not what I want to be, it’s what I’m becoming. My heart I don’t think can take one more blow before it falls to shreds. I have little left to offer someone who I want to be with besides a bleeding fleshy mass that was once full of hope and love. Tonight I feel as though I’ve been bled dry of all caring. It’s time for someone to build me up right now and I will do the same in return.


Thursday, October 30, 2008


A brief update on things and a little blurb about feelings.

Personally things are what they are, I’m doing the best I can with what I got. *shrugs*.

Relationship area, things are interesting. I like someone, but am unsure of how they feel about me or where they want me to fit in. Frankly I don’t want to have to work to “catch” someone. It should be mutual and easy. If you like me, tell me, if you don’t like me, tell me. Pretty simple I think. Humans are all equipped with emotion chips that are fused into our neural net so just express it. We’ll see how things play out. I’m a busy guy and frankly think I’m a pretty decent catch…so lets catch each other!

At work things are going pretty good lately. My boss and I have a very good working relationship and work pretty well together. He listens to me vent and I listen to him…it’s a nice arrangement. We’ve been getting out of work on time every night this week which is nice but there is something big in the works which I can’t discuss right now.

That pretty much covers it!

Have a wonderful weekend all and HAPPY HALLOWEEN! *bares fangs*


Thursday, October 23, 2008

Things I’ve Learned

Many times in life we’re presented with situations that can either be a learning situation or a complete and total disaster…sometimes both! Having lost some people near and dear to my heart and gained some incredible friendships through years, I’ve tried to glean a small amount of wisdom from each and every one. Below is a small list of things I’ve learned in my comparatively short life thus far.

Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Always make time to play.
Enjoy each day as if it were your last.
If you can’t beat, figure out a way to make their task as difficult as possible.
Nothing is quite as vengeful as a gay man scorned.
Nothing is quite as wonderful as a gay man truly in love.
Women are a lot smarter than men.
The satisfaction of an emotional connection will outweigh the physical.
A good friend will say “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” while a great friend will show up with shovels, trash bags, and a truck.
People often times aren’t what they appear or say they are.
Heartache comes just as easy as caring.
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, prepare to have it scarred repeatedly.
A beautiful and perfect heart can be a sign that person has never given it away while one that is scarred, bruised, and battered can mean that person is one of the most wonderful people you will ever meet. Wanting only someone to guard their heart as they will guard yours.
People may come and people may go but it’s the impact you have on them that truly matters.
Smile, it improves your face value!
One kind act can change someone’s entire life.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Some of these things may seem kind of cliché while some may seem simply humorous but they are truly things that I’ve learned if I live by, everything will be okay. I am one who wears my heart on my sleeve and I’m also one who trusts very few. It has been my experience that most people just want to screw you or screw you over. It’s a rare find to encounter someone who engenders trust and a kind spirit. I have a few of those people in my life and while I sometimes fail to let them know how much they mean to me, they are my world. I have been one who has had his heart broken many times and I have broken hearts before. I have a scarred and mismatched heart because of the pieces I have given away and sometimes those pieces have been replaced with a piece of the person’s heart whom I gave mine to. Sometimes there are just holes and gaps where I have given of myself and received nothing in return. It’s those times I take something from the situation. Something that will help me learn and grow as a person. All in all I come away from each situation a little bit wiser and sometimes briefly a little mistrustful.

I was speaking with my mother on the phone last night and trying to help and council her as to a situation going on with my eldest brother. I had initially called her for advice and an encouraging word but she needed it worse than I. In that conversation we covered many things. Some of which were things we needed to talk about for quite sometime and others were just the simple yammering that one tends to have in a phone chat. I asked my mother why is it that I can’t find someone who I will love and appreciate for all time that I can have the perfect suburban life with. Where we have the house with the white picket fence, the car and SUV in the driveway, and the dog and cat as our children. The perfect suburban life. Her response is what discouraged me and bit to the core. She stated that things won’t be able to be like that for me for various reasons pertaining to my sexuality. And while I love my mother with every fiber of my being I can’t help but think this is one of those times she is wrong for what she said. Love can transcend gender, race, creed, and language. Two people can love each other unconditionally and build a wonderful life together no matter if they are two men, two women, white, black, orange, purple, or even green (I’m reading Wicked so deal with the green reference). I will continue to hold on to this belief until such point I have no more love left to give. I will continue to hold on to the hope that one day I will be my prince’s dream man and he will be mine. One day I will be loved unconditionally and love unconditionally with my partner in life, my prince charming.

And for those of you who actually read this, and think you might be my prince charming…SPEAK UP!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

One Step at a Time

Although this blog was inspired by the title of a Jordin Sparks song that was playing on my AOL radio this morning the phrase got me to thinking.

One step at a time. Such a simple phrase that we all too often hear used in conjunction with someone trying to comfort us from some sort of pain or strife or struggle. This phrase is unusual to hear in everyday casual conversation. Usually this phrase is one that is uttered by those who we consider close friends or what we say when we really don’t want to continue on and are simply putting one proverbial foot in front of the other in hopes that if we continue on things will get better…eventually. It also got me to thinking about something and someone that I don’t think about unless I’m telling a story. It got me to thinking about my father. Often times when telling a story about my father it involves some sort of hilarious physical injury in the past and I have to explain that it’s so funny because my father is a paraplegic. Such as you wouldn’t picture a man who can’t walk being able to jump from a seated position on the ground however I assure you if my brother is swinging a sledge hammer and misses, that person seated on the ground can and will jump. *chuckles at the memory*

One step at a time has a different meaning for me I guess. I, like many people without disabilities, take for granted the ability to walk, climb stairs, run, or even dance. Until you have lived with or are someone with a disability you can’t fathom not being able to walk into a store or someone’s home because of a 3” step. How difficult would it be to get out of bed or bathe if you couldn’t move your legs? Not being able to run or play with your children outside. Not being able to do so much in life because the world is made for those capable of bipedal locomotion. Yet I look at my father who hasn’t had the use of his legs for 59 years of his life due to the once almost pandemic effects of polio. A disease which has almost been eradicated from existence outside of a control laboratory. I draw inspiration to keep going on from my father and his struggles in life. He has never let his disability keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. He fathered three sons, has eight grandchildren, and has lived his whole life working hard for everything he has. At one point owning and operating a bull dozer service, raising catfish commercially, farming, and operating a rural utility my father hasn’t let anything stand in his way of doing what he wants. I’ve witnessed this man in the face of someone telling him that he couldn’t do task X due to his disability, do it in front of that person just to prove them wrong and for no other reason. My dad and I have replaced the roof on the home where I grew up before. Imagine how difficult it would be for him to climb a ladder to get to the roof of a house, yet he did it. It can be done.

Thinking back, the phrase one step at a time means something different for each and every one of us. In addition to the above mentioned memories and pride for my father that phrase inspires in me, it also reminds me of a song that was once and still is one of my favorite hymns. A hymn I’d try to work into more services than I probably should have when I was a music minister (that’s a story and post for another time). One Day at a Time. The song, if you’ve never heard it, speaks of taking one day at a time having faith in the Lord to keep you safe and not give you anything you can’t handle in life. And though my faith in an omniscient and omnipresent deity has changed since those days, it is still one of my favorite songs to hear and sing. While we all have some kind of faith in a supernatural force, presence, person, place, or thing it’s how we apply that faith to our lives and live by it that shapes who we are, how we act and deem what is socially appropriate. The song asks the singer to be given only one day at a time. To be given the strength to do what he/she has to do each day and for the Lord to help them believe in what they could/should be (depending on the version). Often times those who are “without faith” find this strength in themselves. A belief in their own abilities and/or strengths is what keeps them going. It’s what keeps this “wayward soul” taking one step at a time. As I stated above my beliefs have changed over the years and that’s due to my coming out process but the older I get the more I believe in destiny, fate, karma, and that there is a higher power or force out there that connects us all; driving us onward each day.

One step at a time can also be put into the context of a process. Just take it one step at a time and you will eventually, much like life, reach your goal as long as you keep doing what you need to do. Lets take for example the events in my past with the above mentioned coming out. I’m sure I’ve touched on this past posts but you’ll have to suffer through it again. At the age of 17 I had been sexually active with males for 3 years. Struggling much with my own identity and sexuality and on top of that the rhetoric of the Southern Baptist church constantly spewing forth the propaganda that homosexuality is wrong and those who engage in those acts/lifestyles will burn eternally in a tortuous fiery hell, I had the opportunity for an adventure. An adventure away from my parents and the place I had always known. I went to California to live with my then 72yo aunt and uncle for a month. This was an eye opening experience for me. I had never been to a place where homosexuality was something that was simply regarded as nonchalant as “oh I’m married.” This lead to my personal acceptance of my own sexuality…that I wasn’t in fact just curious and all I need was the right girl to come into my life but I was in fact gay and simply needed the right guy to come into my life (which I’m still waiting for). I returned to Oklahoma and the almost tactile oppression of being in the closet. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell someone. I told my best friend at the time, Matt. While Matt was/is a wonderful man, at the time he couldn’t handle the reality and closeness that his best friend was one of the dreaded homosexuals he had heard so much about since those homosexuals couldn’t come from or even be in a small town. While we have since reconciled and discussed at length this particular situation, at the time he had to seek help. Unfortunately for me he sought help from one of the people I had hoped he wouldn’t, the youth minister at our church. While I can’t say for certain, this person had a harder time with the fact I was gay than Matt did and I think the reason is his own internal battle with his sexuality. I was asked by said youth minister if what I had told Matt was in fact true, and although I wanted to deny it so I could keep my secret just that, I blurted out “I can’t lie about it anymore, yes I’m gay.” I was told to leave the church and never return. Since that day I have never darkened its doorstep again. I tell you this long arduous story to tell you this. One step at a time is the process I have been taking to reconnect with my past. Reconnect with myself if you will. I have taken one step that I am very proud of and that is contacting Matt and actually getting along wonderfully. He told me something during our time together that struck a chord with me and will tie in with posts in the past about connections. He told me that when I came out to him, it shocked his world and shook his faith. He has since examined other faiths and religions and is a very well versed in matters of faith. He accepts that I am gay and actually draws strength from that experience for me having the courage in the face of all that would oppose me for being true to myself. He also understands that me being gay isn’t a choice, its how I was born. Nature, not nurture my friends. Having had such a profound impact on someone’s life and knowing it something I take great pride in. Knowing in the back of my mind that I have changed on person for the better keeps hope alive for me that I might inspire or help better another one day. It’s one of the things that keep me taking my one step at a time.

While we all have internal battles and struggles, we must have faith in ourselves and our abilities. Know our strengths and weaknesses and build our lives to those. As I was writing this entry this morning, I read a small portion of it to someone here at work while they were cleaning my office and her first words after I had finished were “you should write a book because you are very good.” That meant a lot to me coming from her. While I don’t know if she knows it I greatly respect her and her strength to keep going day to day as a single mother. She loves, cares, and provides for her two children with every fiber of her being. They are her world. Her dedication to her children and family is another thing that reminds me to keep moving forward. I look back at the people I’ve had in my life and think “wow there have been some really great people and some really really shitty people.” To the great people, thank you for being part of my life and I hope we can continue or reconnect again one day. To the not so great people, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in life and to look out for myself.

In conclusion, remember each of us has a purpose, each of us has trials and tribulations, each of us have good things, and each of us have bad things. It’s what makes us individuals. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses, and keep taking one step a time.


Thursday, September 18, 2008


WARNING! The above abbreviation is for Mother Of All Rants. SO if you don’t want to read it, please exit the blog now. The little red X and the address bar are located conveniently at the top of your screen for your exiting pleasure. For the rest of you somewhat deranged individuals who chose to continue forth into the exhaustive and lurid ramblings, things that piss me of, and pet peeves that will be the subject of this little tirade, please fasten your seat belts, return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked position, and hold on.

Recently we’ve lost a large customer of ours for this division. This customer comprised such a large part that I reduced my department by half the staff and by OVER half the hours. We reduced the staff in another department by some as well. Now while this is all part of business and is the way of the economy, I can’t help but feel bad for those individuals who we had to “downsize”. At the same time one might think “oh that’s great Preston, you won’t have to be on call 24 hours a day anymore!” Well think again my friends. While I am not on call 24 hours a day that leaves me being the sole person who has the not so glorified position of putting in unholy long hours to keep things flowing at a reasonable pace and keeping the rest of the plant at their 40 hours a week. Yes folks you heard right, it falls solely on myself. An example of this would be this week. Monday 0640 to 1745, Tuesday 0500 to 2100, Wednesday 0600 to 1830, and Thursday (today) 0600 to ???. When my boss asked me Wednesday night if there was anything else I needed him for I stated that I was very tired and would like to go home if he wanted to stay for about another hour and shut down the plant, he laughed and said no, then left. This just reiterated the one fact that I’ve known to be self evident for quite some time now. This one shining fact in all that is my work world right now is that I am taken advantage of every day. I’m expected to go above and beyond the call of duty every day. If I don’t I receive a slap on the hand asking “why didn’t you do this?”. In case some of you have been inquiring about the pissed off and unhappy nature of my status messages, this would be the reason as of late.

I have been going through a lot of financially and emotionally trying times lately. The least of which is the financial aspect and while I am still so poor I can’t even pay attention, life goes on and money does keep flowing in, albeit at a pace which is totally unacceptable to my creditors. My family problems in Oklahoma have stretched on for a totally unacceptable amount of time due to the DHS and the police department dragging their feet and “uncovering new evidence.” Needless to say, there is a lot of shit going on that my family in OK needs all the prayers and well wishes they can get right now. It’s amazing what trouble one disgruntled 19yo skank whore from hell can cause when her meal ticket is taken away from her.

As I’m sure the entire free world knows I am still single and actually very much enjoying not having any attachments. I’m at a phase in my life where I know what I want from a man and a relationship and will not settle for anything less. As a result pickings are kinda slim. I have been talking to an amazing guy who we seem very much compatible on every level thus far. At the same time I know he is somewhat reserved and shy and doesn’t want to be rushed into anything. I can totally understand this but you all know me. If I find someone I like I want to pursue something with them even so much as just spending an evening together once in a while watching a movie or what not. I tend to be both emotionally and mentally driven in order accomplish my goals in relationships. If I want to spend time with someone because I’m interested in them, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person and get to know them to see what develops. Sometimes it’s hard to be reserved about so as not to scare away potential suitors. But we shall see what the future holds.

One of the biggest pet peeves I have in the relationship department though is when talking to someone if that person says “oh yes I like you I want to spend time with you.” And then makes no effort to fulfill that statement. You make offers to accommodate their schedule however it feels as though none is made on their part. So why waste your time on this person? That’s a good question and frankly I don’t think there is a legitimate answer to that.

Kids these days:
OH MY GOD this is where the true title of this post comes in. I keep hearing about things that kids are doing in this day and age at a much younger age than they should be and doing things that no one should be doing. I come from a conservative up bringing where if you were having sex before marriage or the age of 25, it was taboo for it to be known or discussed. I myself became sexually active at a fairly early age, much earlier than I should have I can guarantee you that but what can ya do right? I recently heard of someone’s daughter being heard having sex at the age of 14 outside, in the driveway, between the car and the house with a young man of the age of 16. All I can say is OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! What the hell are these kids these days thinking?! Have these kids never heard of AIDS, HIV, herpes, syphilis, hepatitis, or any of the other countless STD’s that one can contract?!?! My advice to any and all parents out there, at the age of 13 from the onset of puberty, drag your child to the local health department and put them through the full battery of testing. It’s free and humbling. Afterwards explain to them that this humbling part of having sex (being watched by a room full of people at such a young age going through STD screening) is a package deal if they want to stay healthy. I myself have too many friends who are HIV+ or have an incurable disease as a result of someone they were with in the past, not doing preventative screening.

Also as of late I’ve noticed a lot of kids and people who are certainly more “mouthy” than what they should be. A little big for their britches if you ask me. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and a major source of wanting to shake parents until they themselves have some sort of sense knocked into them to see them allow their child to run amok without the slightest inkling of how to control them. “We don’t hit our children” or “time-outs work just fine for discipline” or the best one yet “well he’s grounded so we don’t have to worry”. How about a big line of BULLSHIT! MY FREAKIN GOD! I was raised with the knowledge that if I stepped out of line I’d either be wearing a hand print across my face from one of my parents or my ass would be so sore I couldn’t sit down for a few hours from the fine touch of a dead cow’s skin crafted into a lovely size 34 to 36 belt. Having this knowledge did not stop me from acting out or getting out of line from time to time but I certainly learned my lesson when I did. Many times I came away with the thought “I pushed mom too far on that one” or “don’t fuck with dad”. I thank my parents every day for the corporal punishment which was administered during my child hood because it made me into the person I am today. While I will not have children so I can’t say what I would do in that situation after having a child of my own but I can just about 99.99% assurance that I would not hesitate to spank my child. And while I was growing up I certainly wouldn’t EVER look at one of my parents and say “fuck you” or even swear in their presence otherwise whoever was there would witness exactly the wrath I would face for such irreverence.


Okay boys and girls on to happier things. Nick and I are back on speaking terms at least for now till one of us has another meltdown. This last one was me. I freaked out over finances and took it out very unjustly on him. I think I shall focus my anger elsewhere, like at my boss (see above) HAHAHA. Now that I have all this off my chest and into electronic format for the voyeurs of my mind to peruse at their leisure, I’m going to end it here. Have a wonderful evening and always remember: a lot of people are like slinkies, absolutely useless for anything imaginable but you still can’t help but smile when you push one down the stairs.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Tale of Tales

As many of you know, and if you don’t you’ve been living under a rock for the past 3 months, I am now single and while the break up has had its ups and downs, blood shed and tear stains, it has been for the best. I can honestly say I’m happier now than I have been in a long time overall. Yes you will have the posts from me when I just need to unload since I don’t have someone right here to do that with. Even when I did, I’m such a private individual that I usually just like to pour things out in a heap into this wonderful online journal and let the masses sort it out without having to hear any rebuttals about how I should be feeling.

Life is always a series of ups and downs and right now things seem to be on the upswing. I’ve met someone who thus far seems to be a complete match in every way but time will tell. Things are to be taken slow, learning everything about one another there is to know then eventually march down the aisle of cohabitation seeing as we can’t quite get married. I had a wonderful weekend with Mikey who is in from California currently visiting and I hadn’t quite realized how much I missed him until I hugged him for the first time in almost a year. One of the people that know me best in the world, often times my partner in some sort of drunken hyjinx, and the shoulder I need from time to time Mikey is one in a million and for that I thank the diety of your choice for having him in my life.

Work will be becoming very interesting here soon. I can’t discuss it here as of yet but something big is coming. So if I’m putting in some extra time at work, don’t say you weren’t warned.

As far as where I will be in the future, that has still yet to be determined. I have a lot of options available to me right now, and frankly I don’t know which one I want. I’m growing accustomed to sleeping alone and although I don’t like it, it is one of those things I must do for now. One day though I will have the house in the country with the man of my dreams beside me every night. Some people don’t understand how I can miss being in the middle of nowhere so much. It’s quite simple really. It’s where I’m from and who I am. I may be a gay man, but that doesn’t mean I can’t want to be able to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go out exploring on my property to listen to nature, and just hear the silence that only being out in the middle of nowhere can bring. If it’s something you’ve never done in your existence, I highly recommend it. It is both humbling and empowering at the same time. A time when a person can truly reflect on who they are and discover things about oneself you never knew existed. I know so many people that think they must live in a populous so they can be accepted and loved. That’s all fine and dandy however you never really truly discover yourself. I’ve done a lot of different things in my life trying to discover who I am and what I want out of life and the one thing that seems to hold true is sitting on a stump in the woods listening, watching, waiting, thinking, and discovering. Discovering what is a typical response to that statement and the answer is quite simple…everything.

Think of life in terms of who you are in the world. In the grand scheme of things we are each pretty insignificant. One person who will occupy a biochemical marvel known as the human body that will remain on earth for a predetermined amount of time that none of us know. Our fate and destiny is controlled by forces all around us. I can only think of one analogy right now to describe it. We are a tree. We have an effect on everything around us. Sometimes we are leaned on by others when they need support. Sometimes we can be destroyed by fire, and other times, it is fire that is our saving grace allowing us to flourish and giving us the things we need to become bigger and stronger. We leave little parts of us with those who come near us either in the form of ideas or seeds that grow and become another great tree, or sometimes in the form of a passing look as if someone looked at our leaves and said “wow that’s a beautiful leaf” and we are easily forgotten. While I know I’m grasping at acorns as it were, I think you all know what I’m trying to say. We are here for a purpose and we can only discover that purpose by discovering who we really are. Some guys like to go out and party all the time and they say “that’s who I am, I’m a party animal!” While that is all well and good, how do you feel when you’re alone? Are you on your phone texting or calling to find out when and where the next drunken debauchery is going to take place or do you take time to enjoy your alone time and think about some of the good things you’ve done and where you are in life. If you take time to think of where you are in life, ask yourself the question “am I where I want to be?” If you’re not then I would suggest thinking of how you can get to where you want to be. What amount of hard work will it take to get there? If you do this, I assure you, you will be happier with yourself, and then you can truly be happy with the one you love.

Along those lines, there are times when we just need to sit back and appreciate what we do have. So many times I myself think my life is so bad, because I don’t have enough money to do this, or wish things were different etc. At the same time, when I have my more lucid moments, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. In today’s economy, I have a job that pays me a decent wage, I have a car, I have a phone, a computer, a family that loves me, friends that care about me, and maybe someone who will want to spend his life with me in the future. I have things pretty good compared to some yet there are times when I feel as though I have nothing and am a failure often times because I never went to college. In a nutshell, and I hate to cut this off here but I must get to bed, just stop, think, and reflect on yourself. Are you really who you want to be?


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Saying Goodbye.

Over the years I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people and a lot of things. Some of which were very difficult decisions and others were quite easy. For each and everyone I spent many many painstaking hours debating, arguing with myself if you will, if I was making the right decision and how to approach it. Such internal debate is often not visible to those around us so when the bombshell is finally dropped, the reaction is often intense and I have found myself being called anything from a heartless disrespecting bastard to, something which stung even worse, considerate for taking into account all the different aspects and making a decision and being adult enough to handle it. I’ve been thanked by people for being their friend or their lover. I’ve been cursed for the same things as well. This blog is to give all of you a little insight to my mind. My thought process which some of you have seen and others have no clue about. I am a person who is both constantly anxious and worried about what others think and carefree as well. I give off an air that I am cool, confident and collected (or at least I try) all the while there is a constant battle raging in my delicate psyche about whether I made the right choice about ANYTHING. God forbid it is a big decision like saying goodbye to someone then the internal stress level escalates into a physical manifestation of pain, blood and digestive maladies. When you add on top of this financial difficulties…well you can see where I’m going with this.

Saying goodbye is something that is never easy to do for anyone. Of course there is the proverbial “you wronged me, you must now be banished” line of thinking however even still, goodbye is difficult. Lately I’ve been burdened with the decision of saying good bye to Toledo and returning to Oklahoma. I have many offers for help, many suggestions as to how to accomplish this however such a drastic change is not an easy decision to make. If I stay in Toledo, I will be changing jobs and starting back to school. If I move to Oklahoma, I will be moving 1200 miles, changing jobs, waiting a year, then going back to school. It’s all a matter of how fast to I want to have a degree in a field I will be happy in and make a decent wage and how much longer I can live away from my family. All in all if I stay here and complete my college courses, I will have been away from them for nearly a decade. Yet it seems such a short time ago that I left in seek of a new adventure.

Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on one of my emotionally depressing, psychologically overwhelming rants about how bad my life is blah blah blah. Deal with it. It helps me to get it out so I can be that happy person most all of you see. On that note though, I must say goodbye for tonight. My work day is done.

Monday, July 14, 2008

11 days.

It's been 8 days since I posted a blog. 11 days since Nick moved out. And feels like an eternity for both. While I feel the ending of our relationship was for the best in the long run, it still hurts not having him there. I know he doesn't want to read this or even know I'm feeling this way but it's the way I feel. Nick, I'm sorry. You're a good guy and I do wish you the best.

On to things pertaining solely to myself. Work is my only sanctuary right now and that's a very disheartening thought. I pour myself into my career when I'm single usually however this go round, work isn't fulfilling. Of course that is one of the things that I want to change in my life. I will be going on to secondary education soon enough even though I can't afford it. I will take a part time job somewhere (anywhere at this point) to be able to afford to live. It is my hope and desire that even though it will be expensive and I cannot see how I will be able to afford it if I have no job to go to, I will be moved to Oklahoma by years end. Hopefully to a new set of friends and a new life. While I care greatly about those that I have here, it is time for me to move on. Or move back as it were to someplace strangely familiar even though it has been over 6 years since I have lived in Oklahoma and places, people, and things change a lot in 6 years. I don't know what I will do for a job or money down there yet, but I do know I will be attending school in some form. Either PT or FT, but somehow I will make it work and I will get my life back on track. I can no longer stomach the revulsion that is my life even with the betterments that have come from the last year. Currently at home I am rebuilding my resume so that I may hopefully find a job that can support me while I pursue higher education.

For those of you who read my blog, thank you for the kind words you have left me over time. They do mean a lot however can't compare to the solace or comfort a hug or shoulder offer. I am embarrassed that I am 27 years old and only have a high school diploma having squandered all of the opportunity I was presented with so young. A series of bad decisions, a series of life choices have lead me to this point and hopefully a series of corrections will lead me to where I want to be in life. I have the design picked out for the home I wish to build and live in. I have the dream cars I want in the drive way and garage of that home picked out. And while I don't have the partner who will spend his life with me in that home just yet, I know he will come to me one day. To those of you who know me outside of this digital world, I need your help and guidance. Perhaps even just a little bit of your time. Help to remind me of my goals, help keep me on track with them. And help save my mind from devouring itself with an onslaught of doubt.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Grandeur or dillusions of.

As I'm sure most of my readers know I ended the relationship I was in. This has brought about a lot of change and turmoil for both him and myself, and I can't help but have a sense of guilt for putting another human through so much pain as it appears I have/am putting him through. It's not easy watching someone that you care about go through so much even if you yourself aren't happy in the relationship. I have to admit I ended the relationship for reasons pertaining only to myself and what is best for me, not because of some mistake or egregious fuck up on his part. While he and I are no longer together, he is still an incredible guy with so much to give someone deserving of his heart. I say to that man, you are a lucky guy. Nick I wish you the best. I have known some wonderful people in my life and I count you in those ranks.

On to other matters, this week I am working 6 days but only 7 hours a day so it's not too bad. Still doesn't quite cure the boredom in the evenings and the lack of funds to go and do anything fun. I'm so used to having someone there all the time to talk to and to just have another body to be around and now that I'm living by myself again, it's taking some getting used to. I suppose now would be a good time to start exercising and riding my bike. Perhaps even back and forth to work seeing as I no longer have any evening obligations.

Tonight will be spent updating my resume and sending it to my family in OK so they can aid in the job hunt which brings me to my next point of discussion. I have lived in Toledo for 6.5 years now. Having been here this long I have set roots and lost contact with many of those I knew in Oklahoma. Those that really matter to me though I have stayed in touch with such as Jamie, David, Kyle, Matt, and my family. No longer having ties to this city besides my job and friends is a liberating feeling but at the same time, it comes with a sense of foreboding. I have longed for many years to return to my roots, to the family I left (what feels like) so long ago. I want to eventually build a home on my 40acres I will receive from my parents to live in peace in the country side with my partner, my soul mate, my better half whomever he may be. I want to have the home with the immaculate lawn, the SUV and nice car in the drive and the beater pickup out back, with a dog and maybe a cat or two. I want to be able to say "I have done what I wanted in life, and I have returned to where I was happiest and life has rewarded me with this." I know this is probably sounding like a lot of senseless blathering but it's what consumes me. It's what envelopes my every thought and dream.

A couple weeks ago, I flew home to visit my family for a quick weekend trip (again, thank you so much Nick). I got to see my brothers, and some of my nieces and nephews. One thing stands out from that visit that I never thought I'd ever see. My family has gotten old. I remember my grandparents not being far from the age my parents are now. My uncles and aunts being the age my brothers are and frankly it scares me to death. I know that it won't feel like long at all till they are gone and I will be alone. I am slightly upset at my brothers though. The one request I had of them for when I visited was to sit down and play cards or dominoes or one of the old games that is a deep rooted tradition in my family when someone visits. Yet they were more captivated by an outdoor and knife version of the home shopping network on the TV. This stung and while I love them and forgave them before I had went to bed that night, it just serves to reiterate how alienated I am from the rest of my family; something which I must correct.

Well boys and girls I should end this here and tend to work I have to do. Please leave a comment or email or something. I like to hear from people :)


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Careers and catch-up

First and foremost I must apologize to all who actually (for some strange and bizarre reason) enjoy reading my little electronic scrawls. I know it has been some time since I have written anything but with time being a precious commodity that seems to only grow more scarce the older I get, the less of it I have for writing. So to you, I am sorry.

For the rest of you bitches, you better leave some love! :-P

Lately I’ve been playing different scenarios through my overactive mind and have come to the same end in all of them no matter what course of action seems to have been taken during these moments of contemplation. That inevitable end, the ultimate realization if you will, is that I am both uneducated, and inexperienced enough to attain my goals in life. With that being said I feel that is time to embark on yet another new career path. For those of you who have known me for years know that I have worked in a variety of fields, most of which have been niche markets. I seem to have a knack for finding the obscure and less conventional industries in which to work. I have been a call center tech (what gay man hasn’t) from there I worked for an airline as ground crew, then with my ex started a company which was then absorbed by our largest client, then downsized, and went into (of all things) real estate appraising briefly. Now I am currently employed as a “Senior Control Room Operator” for an industrial laundry service where I both oversee the operations of the cleaning department but I also run our mini petrochemical refinery, waste water pretreatment, and our 4 largest washers all for the discomfort of a currently un-air conditioned office in June.

With that brief recap out of the way, I have been exploring my aptitude and desire for certain career paths over the last few years. Going to school to get a degree in chemistry for example since it was always one of my favorite subjects and the rewards could be astronomical (morally speaking) if I were to find a cure for some random disease like ghonacyphaherpilaids. Of course the immediate monetary compensation for doing such work (from what I’ve gathered) would be meager at best. I have also considered nursing however the prospect of spending my clinicals cleaning the poop out of old man jenkins’ bed does not sound appealing in the least but helping people in general does and so does the healthy salary and job security that accompanies. There was also the brief second that I toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. However again we run into the situation that the immediate monetary compensation is less than desirable unless of course I could concoct some brilliant work of fiction rivaling that of J.K. Rowling. But then if my works become famous while I’m still alive there is always the risk of a deranged fan kidnapping me, tying me to a bed, and breaking my legs with my own typewriter (imagery courtesy of Kathy Bates in Misery). Then there is also the recurring theme that keeps being paraded in front of me, of entrepreneurship. One of my dearest friends Cory and my ex David are hatching plans left and right about ways to start a company expand it and keep it afloat. Having been down this road with my ex before, I know I am not good at starting things up, I am however pretty damn decent at running them once things are started. I have informed both of these dear gentleman that all they have to do is tell me when and where I am starting work and what I will be doing and I will be more than happy to assist them and the company in any shape form or fashion possible. I do however have a feeling this will be coming sooner rather than later which will be a good thing however once it comes, it could mean another pause in my higher education. All in all, there is a lot for me to think about here.

There is however one option which I haven’t broached in this little dribble of mine. That being: moving back to Oklahoma, getting a job with one of my brothers somewhere for a year and then continuing my education there where both tuition and cost of living are drastically cheaper. My parents have already offered to have me move in with them till I can find a job and get on my feet enough to get a place of my own. However the idea of moving back in with my parents is almost as appealing as having a root canal done with a 2” paddle bit by a blind dentist on crack. At the same time if I can find a job in Oklahoma City (the job market there is excellent or so I’m told) I can move in with my ex and his boyfriend as a roommate. A viable option considering I LOOOOVE his house and it’s not that far from my parents.

All I know is I have a lot of thinking to do about all this but this week that thinking will have to wait. This week is technical rehearsal and opening for Cabaret at The Toledo Rep ( What this means is that I work my normal 12 hours then RUSH to the theatre to contend with lights, directors, stage managers, actors, and of course, crew for a few hours then return home just in time to crawl in bed and do it all over again. This is causing some problems at home which I’d rather not throw the details of to the wolves.
On that note I must bid you farewell for now, and I expect some comments or emails with advice from those of you reading this.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Random Tangents

Adventure is sought in many different forms by many different people. Some look at adventure as the thrill of the riding the world’s tallest roller coaster. Others see a grand adventure in the pages of a well written novel. Everyone has some degree of curiosity about the next grand excursion be it one taken in the mind or one taken around the land, air, or water. Sometimes we are so desperate for the next escapade that we uproot our whole existence for the excitement of something new or something different. When I moved to Ohio in 2002 it was for the love of my bf and for the challenge of new place. A new venue to spread my wings and explore the unknown. Sadly though, when our relationship ended so did the desire for him to live near his family and he moved back to Oklahoma, the place of my heritage. I opted to stay here in Ohio because I had a decent job, friends, and was having fun. Since then my longing to return to my roots has done nothing but continue to grow. So much so that when I visited my family over Christmas, even with all of my responsibilities here I didn’t want to come back. I wanted to remain close to the ones I’ve known the longest. Stand beside then when they need me, visit my mom and dad every weekend and help them since, as is the case so many times, they got old over night. I visited them and they were fine, young and vibrant so full of life, and now when I visit, they are old and almost fragile but still very full of life and vitality. I fear losing one or both of them with every fiber of my being before I’m ready; before I’ve made my home and my life closer to theirs again.

Sometimes being gay is more difficult than a heterosexual person can fathom. I will have no children to take care of me when I grow old. I have no rights to marry the one I love so if he or I were to pass prematurely the estate would pass to the other. I will have no family members to celebrate my life if I pass at a ripe old age being the youngest of my family and alienated from my nieces and nephews. Family is one of the few things I cherish in my life and with each passing day it’s becoming more difficult to be separated from my blood by what feels like an entire world. While I have the few friends I have left here and my boyfriend. It still leaves me partially empty not being able to go see my mom on a random day and call her when I’m on the way to ask if she can make one of my favorite meals for dinner. It hurts knowing that I cannot be greeted with that warm smile that only a southern parent/grandparent can have and the hug that only a mom can give. At this very moment, my life seems to be a huge disappointment with a few scattered bright spots.

That’s all the dribble you get for now.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Thoughts and Props

We live in an online world. Everything is available to us via Google. If there is anything in the world that you need or want to read, see, view, or listen to, Google will probably have it or have a way to get to it. Try it sometime. However, this era of information at the speed of light, is accompanied by personal information at the speed of light. Your diary or blog or live journal or whatever you would like to call it, for example. You’ve put it online for all your friends and the voyeurs of your mind to read and browse at their leisure. This very blog for example is a way for me to release. A way for me to let my mind simply flow forth into words forming the occasional eloquent statement afforded by my limited literary ability. I scribe the entries to the clutches of the internet when time allows and thoughts are invoked. Sometimes I write because I want to put out there something I’ve learned and value. Sometimes I just write because it’s something I enjoy doing. Other times I hope it can inspire others who desire to scrawl their mental stirrings onto electronic paper for the world to see.

Recently though I have been shown, yet again, how regressive, juvenile, and blatantly ignorant of others people can be. Although those of us who chose to post or publish take a well known risk in putting our scribbles out for the general public to read, we never intend for someone to use this information against us or to prey on our insecurities. While we do allow comments and replies to our entries, (at least for me) this is more so to become a better writer or person or to simply allow someone who was affected by these writings to let me know how they were affected. I do not intend for this to be a public forum for those who wish to attack and demolish me or my loved ones. In an effort to keep the exchanges on my blog in the desired subject arena I wish to keep them in, I have made some adjustments to my account settings. I would suggest that all bloggers do the same to weed out any comments that do not pertain to your subject matter.

With the above mentioned business taken care of, it’s not often I have the time or patience to read other’s blogs. I do however wish to change this in the future so if you have any that you think I might find interesting or fascinating, please feel free to comment me or to email me.


Flying is one of the few things that some people believe if man were intended to do, we would’ve been given wings. However man was given the ability to engineer wings, and engines, and guidance systems to enable us to hurl ourselves skyward and to keep us there. Being airborne is one of the things I greatly enjoy in life and have little time or money to do so anymore. Rising cost of petroleum, increased ticket prices, and the lack of funds for general aviation have all kept me from this beloved activity. If any of you reading this have ever been in my home, you instantly know that someone living there has an affinity for aviation. Boeing 727-200s, 757-200 & -300’s, 737-800s, Lockheed L-1011 Tristars, Air Force 1, Marine 1, and (my favorite) the Airbus A380-800 all adorn my humble abode in 1:200 scale models. If the starting salary for an airline pilot was more than $18,000 and all major airlines weren’t on hiring freezes for pilots I believe being a pilot is something I would enjoy doing. Shuttling people from place to place seeing the country at first and eventually the world would be a fantastic existence. Right? Well maybe not. I have worked in the aviation industry before but on the more grounded side of things being a ticket agent, ramp agent and gate agent at a small airport and did fly as much as I could while working there. Seeing a few cities, visiting family when I wanted, so I’ve seen the glamorous side and the not so glamorous side of things and I can tell you, the not so glamorous side is very UN-fabulous. It’s hard work for little pay. You spend long hours in the air and on the ground away from your home. Away from everything you know is comfortable all the while you’re either ushering a multi-million dollar aircraft full of people from place to another or you turn into a human pin cushion for the grabby drunk business men sitting in row 1 seats B and C.

It takes a special breed of person to work in the air and I can say I’m not one of them. Though the experiences I had flying jumpseat on a 34 seat twin engine turbo prop or assisting a mechanic change the starter on an engine were things I’d never trade for the world, I’ll keep my feet planted on the dirt for my career. But my hat is off to those who, for them, there is no greater thrill than hearing their copilot call out “V1 – Rotate….Wheels up time 2359. Another red eye.”

DEstruction and CONstruction

Self analysis can be one of the few things each person possesses that can keep them grounded and sane. Knowing one’s own limitations can, at times, be a thing of comfort. However there are times when we are overly analytical of ourselves. I myself seem to have been going through some of these events and the resulting conglomeration of depression self loathing and general displeasure have lead me to not care anymore. To give up on things I desire. One example is my appearance. The weight gain of 40 pounds has turned me into something that I detest and am disgusted with every time I look in the mirror. I don’t exercise as I should citing the maladies of my joints and back. I opt to continue smoking because I’m such a mean person when I try to quit and I don’t want to do that to my friends and loved ones.

Through this though, I have gained a wisdom beyond my years. A level of understanding of human nature that can only come with trial, tribulation, and these aforementioned overly analytical events. Yet, even though I can offer insight, advice, and a different perspective on a lot of things, these pearls of knowledge are often times unheeded since I so often times myself fail to follow my own advice. I keep repeating the same harsh circle of events but at the same time I grow a little more with each turn of the circle. Constructing a new me, albeit at a much slower pace that one would think is necessary.

I do however know people that their life is one constant self destructive event. They over analyze themselves repeatedly to a point where they are paralyzed sitting crying on the couch watching Steel Magnolias for the 11034959029347 time bawling their eyes out with 3 boxes of tissue and a gallon of Edy’s creamery style ice cream. This continued cycle however only has the effect of cementing itself more into a repeating cycle which will eventually become their comfort zone and if they try to break the cycle they will find it has become harder to break than diamond. We as people need to realize that our minds, our mental state, are dependant upon a yen and yang effect. For every destructive thing we put ourselves through there needs to be some good to counter balance. We need to build ourselves up as much as we tear ourselves down otherwise what will we have left of our psyches? In my observations and my experiences, not a lot.

So with all this thought provoking fodder, go out and play in the snow, have some fun, and lighten up on yourself!