Thursday, March 13, 2008

Random Tangents

Adventure is sought in many different forms by many different people. Some look at adventure as the thrill of the riding the world’s tallest roller coaster. Others see a grand adventure in the pages of a well written novel. Everyone has some degree of curiosity about the next grand excursion be it one taken in the mind or one taken around the land, air, or water. Sometimes we are so desperate for the next escapade that we uproot our whole existence for the excitement of something new or something different. When I moved to Ohio in 2002 it was for the love of my bf and for the challenge of new place. A new venue to spread my wings and explore the unknown. Sadly though, when our relationship ended so did the desire for him to live near his family and he moved back to Oklahoma, the place of my heritage. I opted to stay here in Ohio because I had a decent job, friends, and was having fun. Since then my longing to return to my roots has done nothing but continue to grow. So much so that when I visited my family over Christmas, even with all of my responsibilities here I didn’t want to come back. I wanted to remain close to the ones I’ve known the longest. Stand beside then when they need me, visit my mom and dad every weekend and help them since, as is the case so many times, they got old over night. I visited them and they were fine, young and vibrant so full of life, and now when I visit, they are old and almost fragile but still very full of life and vitality. I fear losing one or both of them with every fiber of my being before I’m ready; before I’ve made my home and my life closer to theirs again.

Sometimes being gay is more difficult than a heterosexual person can fathom. I will have no children to take care of me when I grow old. I have no rights to marry the one I love so if he or I were to pass prematurely the estate would pass to the other. I will have no family members to celebrate my life if I pass at a ripe old age being the youngest of my family and alienated from my nieces and nephews. Family is one of the few things I cherish in my life and with each passing day it’s becoming more difficult to be separated from my blood by what feels like an entire world. While I have the few friends I have left here and my boyfriend. It still leaves me partially empty not being able to go see my mom on a random day and call her when I’m on the way to ask if she can make one of my favorite meals for dinner. It hurts knowing that I cannot be greeted with that warm smile that only a southern parent/grandparent can have and the hug that only a mom can give. At this very moment, my life seems to be a huge disappointment with a few scattered bright spots.

That’s all the dribble you get for now.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Thoughts and Props

We live in an online world. Everything is available to us via Google. If there is anything in the world that you need or want to read, see, view, or listen to, Google will probably have it or have a way to get to it. Try it sometime. However, this era of information at the speed of light, is accompanied by personal information at the speed of light. Your diary or blog or live journal or whatever you would like to call it, for example. You’ve put it online for all your friends and the voyeurs of your mind to read and browse at their leisure. This very blog for example is a way for me to release. A way for me to let my mind simply flow forth into words forming the occasional eloquent statement afforded by my limited literary ability. I scribe the entries to the clutches of the internet when time allows and thoughts are invoked. Sometimes I write because I want to put out there something I’ve learned and value. Sometimes I just write because it’s something I enjoy doing. Other times I hope it can inspire others who desire to scrawl their mental stirrings onto electronic paper for the world to see.

Recently though I have been shown, yet again, how regressive, juvenile, and blatantly ignorant of others people can be. Although those of us who chose to post or publish take a well known risk in putting our scribbles out for the general public to read, we never intend for someone to use this information against us or to prey on our insecurities. While we do allow comments and replies to our entries, (at least for me) this is more so to become a better writer or person or to simply allow someone who was affected by these writings to let me know how they were affected. I do not intend for this to be a public forum for those who wish to attack and demolish me or my loved ones. In an effort to keep the exchanges on my blog in the desired subject arena I wish to keep them in, I have made some adjustments to my account settings. I would suggest that all bloggers do the same to weed out any comments that do not pertain to your subject matter.

With the above mentioned business taken care of, it’s not often I have the time or patience to read other’s blogs. I do however wish to change this in the future so if you have any that you think I might find interesting or fascinating, please feel free to comment me or to email me.


Flying is one of the few things that some people believe if man were intended to do, we would’ve been given wings. However man was given the ability to engineer wings, and engines, and guidance systems to enable us to hurl ourselves skyward and to keep us there. Being airborne is one of the things I greatly enjoy in life and have little time or money to do so anymore. Rising cost of petroleum, increased ticket prices, and the lack of funds for general aviation have all kept me from this beloved activity. If any of you reading this have ever been in my home, you instantly know that someone living there has an affinity for aviation. Boeing 727-200s, 757-200 & -300’s, 737-800s, Lockheed L-1011 Tristars, Air Force 1, Marine 1, and (my favorite) the Airbus A380-800 all adorn my humble abode in 1:200 scale models. If the starting salary for an airline pilot was more than $18,000 and all major airlines weren’t on hiring freezes for pilots I believe being a pilot is something I would enjoy doing. Shuttling people from place to place seeing the country at first and eventually the world would be a fantastic existence. Right? Well maybe not. I have worked in the aviation industry before but on the more grounded side of things being a ticket agent, ramp agent and gate agent at a small airport and did fly as much as I could while working there. Seeing a few cities, visiting family when I wanted, so I’ve seen the glamorous side and the not so glamorous side of things and I can tell you, the not so glamorous side is very UN-fabulous. It’s hard work for little pay. You spend long hours in the air and on the ground away from your home. Away from everything you know is comfortable all the while you’re either ushering a multi-million dollar aircraft full of people from place to another or you turn into a human pin cushion for the grabby drunk business men sitting in row 1 seats B and C.

It takes a special breed of person to work in the air and I can say I’m not one of them. Though the experiences I had flying jumpseat on a 34 seat twin engine turbo prop or assisting a mechanic change the starter on an engine were things I’d never trade for the world, I’ll keep my feet planted on the dirt for my career. But my hat is off to those who, for them, there is no greater thrill than hearing their copilot call out “V1 – Rotate….Wheels up time 2359. Another red eye.”

DEstruction and CONstruction

Self analysis can be one of the few things each person possesses that can keep them grounded and sane. Knowing one’s own limitations can, at times, be a thing of comfort. However there are times when we are overly analytical of ourselves. I myself seem to have been going through some of these events and the resulting conglomeration of depression self loathing and general displeasure have lead me to not care anymore. To give up on things I desire. One example is my appearance. The weight gain of 40 pounds has turned me into something that I detest and am disgusted with every time I look in the mirror. I don’t exercise as I should citing the maladies of my joints and back. I opt to continue smoking because I’m such a mean person when I try to quit and I don’t want to do that to my friends and loved ones.

Through this though, I have gained a wisdom beyond my years. A level of understanding of human nature that can only come with trial, tribulation, and these aforementioned overly analytical events. Yet, even though I can offer insight, advice, and a different perspective on a lot of things, these pearls of knowledge are often times unheeded since I so often times myself fail to follow my own advice. I keep repeating the same harsh circle of events but at the same time I grow a little more with each turn of the circle. Constructing a new me, albeit at a much slower pace that one would think is necessary.

I do however know people that their life is one constant self destructive event. They over analyze themselves repeatedly to a point where they are paralyzed sitting crying on the couch watching Steel Magnolias for the 11034959029347 time bawling their eyes out with 3 boxes of tissue and a gallon of Edy’s creamery style ice cream. This continued cycle however only has the effect of cementing itself more into a repeating cycle which will eventually become their comfort zone and if they try to break the cycle they will find it has become harder to break than diamond. We as people need to realize that our minds, our mental state, are dependant upon a yen and yang effect. For every destructive thing we put ourselves through there needs to be some good to counter balance. We need to build ourselves up as much as we tear ourselves down otherwise what will we have left of our psyches? In my observations and my experiences, not a lot.

So with all this thought provoking fodder, go out and play in the snow, have some fun, and lighten up on yourself!