Wednesday, April 22, 2009


While I sit here getting my day started at work, occasionally sipping my morning coffee trying to clear my mind of the sleepy fog that encompasses us all when we first awaken, I wonder what life has in store. I ponder what this grand adventure we are all on holds for each of us…my friends, my family, all my loved ones. I expound in my mind’s eye what twists and turns may be thrown at us.

Slowly I have drifted apart from some friends while getting closer to others. I gain a new understanding and a new appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. People who I would’ve never thought I would hold in my inner sanctum have become my closest confidants. With each person who comes into our lives we must glean something from each one and take the life lesson that was meant to be and make it a part of ourselves. These truths have proven themselves to be self evident in each and every situation I’ve encountered. Some have taught me that I need to be more of an adult. Others have taught me that the only person we can truly count on is our self. And still more have shown me that with heartache and longing, there is always a reason and a silver lining to everything.

One of the people who knew the old me the best, one of my exes, the one who I had the longest relationship with, said something rather profound. I am unsure if he realizes the prolific impact that simple statement had on me. He jokingly said at the demise of my last relationship, “You’re just not meant to be in a relationship.” Could this be the case? Could it possibly be that I’m not meant to find “the one”? Some of my friends have paired off into their lifelong partnerships while still others have not. We still get together and have our fun and rebellious times but they aren’t as frequent and are usually more mundane as we reach “respectable adult” ages. Through these times I have to admit I find myself thinking “when in the hell did we grow up?!” Last night as I was preparing myself to retire to much needed slumber, I typed up a new away message. One which, once completed, I realized how profound a statement it was. "As I lay my head upon my pillow, I hope for blissful dreams, of peace and happiness. I hope for someone with whom there will be mutual desire, caring, and passion. I hope to be granted only that which is the heart's greatest desire in the only place it can be dreams." I sent this statement to a couple of online friends, and both had the same response. “Wow that’s beautiful, where did you find it?” When I told them that I had written it just now as an away message they were both astonished I was capable of such prose. Could it be this is truly the only place where we can find the one we truly desire is within ourselves? Within our own heart? I’ve contemplated this statement and while I still don’t yet grasp its true meaning, even though I am its author, I believe it to be true. We’ve all heard the cliché expression “you can’t truly love another until you first love yourself.” As the words flowed forth from my finger tips onto the screen, is when a realization hit me that finally I understand that this concept means. To find love, one must look within oneself prior to searching for another to share our life with. True contentment can only come from within.

Recently I have had a couple of gentlemen interested in a romantic entwinement. While they both are over qualified for husband material, I am not ready to have my “one”. I am on a journey of self discovery and improvement at this point. I will be returning to school as an older adult returning to something I should’ve accomplished when I was younger. If I meet my “one” he will have to wait for me to be ready. If he’s not then he’s not my “one”. Love should happen on its own and shouldn’t be forced yet it’s not something to be frightened by. Just a few minutes ago a friend from long ago in my past messaged me stating that if he is going to date someone then they have to be perfect or he gets annoyed and shuts down the ride. He asked me why that is, how he can change that. My response was simple. Stop looking for perfection in a person, and keep your eyes open for your perfect match. You will be two different people with two different sets of traits, characteristics and quirks. And even though some of these things may annoy you to an extent where a breakup may not be an option but murder is, you learn to love these quirks as part of that person.

Lately for myself my singularity seems to be my constant companion and that is precisely where I want to be. I have my friends. I have my family. I have my loved ones and that is all I desire. The journey I have set forth will be a long one. One with trials and tribulations but in the end it will all be worth it. One day I will find my one. One day I will love him unconditionally. One day life will be as close to perfection as it will ever be. One day.


Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Plan

This isn’t one of my more existential blogs where I go on and on about humanity and life…this is an update for everyone about the plans for my life. It has a certain sense of finality if I put it in writing.

2009 – pay myself out of debt.
2010 – early 2010 pay my car off.
2010 – Fall of 2010 start to school.
2010 – 2013 – School. (we’ll see if it takes me 3 years)
2013 – post graduation, seek employment in Oklahoma and move to OKC or somewhere closer to my folks.

I know some of you may be glad to be rid of me and 2013 won’t be soon enough. At the same time I know some of you will miss me terribly. BUT we have 4 years to live it up and make the most of it!

Sunday, April 05, 2009


On this quiet Sunday evening, I find myself having a sense of peace. A calm which has not been bestowed upon me in what seems like forever by the prevailing forces in my life. An evening of quiet reflection on my goals and plans in life. In my last blog I wrote that I have now set myself on a path to become debt free which, if strictly adhered to over the next few months, will allow me to set forth on another adventure I've been wanting to do for some time. It would allow me to announce a hiatus from the volunteer work I do at the Toledo Rep in order to pursue a degree. Something which has been the source of a significant amount of self admonishment. As I sit here and gaze unceasingly at the budget I have laid out for myself, carefully documenting every penny I spend as to keep myself afloat, I feel not overwhelmed or under duress about the task in front of me but a sense of accomplishment. A feeling that I alone can do this and I alone will be the one responsible for bettering myself. I have one person to thank for triggering me to take up this task and proceed forth. For giving me the sense of clarity I needed to see exactly how to tackle this road in front of me. My former partner. If it had not been for our relationship and its demise my mind's eye would not have been able to decipher this road which I must tread. Everything in life is presented to teach us a lesson and we must take away from that experience a valuable lesson. And from this experience I have gleaned one fact that is perhaps the most valuable of all...the fact I am a GREAT person who can and will go on no matter what is thrown at him and I will live my life as thought I'm a role model.

Along with this sense of peace comes with an almost selfish sense of self awareness. I can no longer care for others while sacrificing my own well being. There are now going to be times when I will sincerely have to respond with “I'm sorry but I can't right now, I need some me time.” This in no form means that I do not want to listen or help, it simply means I need to take care of myself before I can be in a place mentally or physically to help you.

As I am taking this more self centered approach to my life and well being, it is those which are closest to me that are my greatest assets. Each of you know who you are and I can't thank you enough for helping to encourage and understand this is something that is both difficult and necessary.

I mentioned above that I will have to take a hiatus from The Toledo Rep and the thespian arts for a period of time while I undertake this seemingly massive task of change. This season and the two shows I am working this summer (“All Shook Up” and “The Full Monty”) will likely be the last two shows I am participating with. While I know this will sadden some, there will probably be some who will be indifferent to it or even glad I'm out of the theatre. The performing arts have always been something I greatly enjoyed taking part in and partaking of so this needed hiatus does sadden me but once I have accomplished what I need to accomplish I am certain I will be back with an even greater hand in things. Or at least that is my sincerest hope. We shall cross that bridge when we get to it.

After having spoken with my mother this evening in regards to the events and the changes in my life I must make and now have a map to arrive at the desired end result, my sense of purpose and determination is ever more reinforced to an immeasurable extent. As I sit here extolling my thoughts feelings and goals into a series of 1's and 0's which will be transmitted, transferred, and eventually translated into a form which is readable to our human eyes, I can't help but think of all the years I've wasted not on others but on myself. The years that have passed by so quickly leaving me sitting here at the age of 27, almost 28, wondering why I haven't done more with my life. Then the not startling realization comes to me as if it were the pink elephant in the corner of the room no one wants to talk about. The realization that I knew all along I was wasting myself on such trivial things as one who is desperate to hold onto his youth does. All the while knowing what I had to do but choosing to block it out as if it were a forbidden memory of an act so horrible that it must be repressed to the point of mental torture. I know now what I must do. It is clear and present and stands in front of me as if it were that said pink elephant demanding to be dealt with. Much like any problem if put off long enough it will grow and fester into something that is beyond all control. I feel as though I awakened to what must be done just within the nick of time. Had I not I am certain things would be currently growing into a festering behemoth only the likes of which congress could create.

I'm sure EVERYONE is familiar with the story of David and Goliath. As the small David stood before the giant Goliath, he had but his sling and stone to challenge the incumbent. I wonder if David felt a sense of peace as he stood before this giant knowing exactly what he must do and how it must be done in order to bring Goliath to his knees. While I know this is not anything reasonably close in comparison, it is the most accurate illustration that came to mind. I feel as though I am but this small man trying to attack a monumental task. And while I don't have the tools to take this lummox immediately to its knees, I have a plan to take it down completely even if only a minute amount at a time.

And this too shall pass with time seems to be resonating in my ears as I enjoy this moment of peace.


Saturday, April 04, 2009



As I sit here at my computer at 4:48am on the morning of Saturday 4/4/2009, I read through some things on myspace and facebook and I was struck with a not so startling realization. People are fake. Not just one in particular, not just some, but each and every person on the face of the earth has moments when they're fake. Some do it out of spite or hurt. Some do it out of the desire to not hurt others. Some just do it because it's simply fun. Unfortunately to those who simply one the truth in their lives, this skews the line between truth and fiction making it even more difficult to sort out what is truth and what is simply a completely fabricated lie to save face and cover one's own short comings. In the past I have been accused of things that the accuser was guilty of not me. All I have to say to anyone engaging in this, the truth will come out. Lies will be caught. And eventually Karma will be a far bigger bitch than I will ever have to be.

Recently, as my last relationship ended rather abruptly because something was said that I won't tolerate, I was told on more than one occasion that I “have moved on already...” and there was much more to it that I'd rather not get into. This appears to be one prime example of someone accusing me of something that the accuser is guilty of not me. While I have not even had one date, and it's not for a lack of offers, I read things from this person and it's pretty evident that he is the one who has moved on. I do, however, wish him the best of luck in life and hope he will be happy in the future with someone who is more compatible.

As many of you know, last November I made a move that has perhaps been the best I move I could've ever made in my life. I moved out of my own apartment and into Palazzo D'Skiboy. While I know some of you are thinking “how can this have been a good move for him” since I've been continually broke, there is a reason for that. Each and every year I make a New Year's Resolution to become debt free that year. Each and every year I fail to accomplish this goal. This year, this move will enable me to pay myself out of debt except for my car by the end of September 2009. Yes that's right I said paid out of debt except for my car by September 2009. My car will be paid off sometime in 2010 and a significant chunk of each paycheck will be going into high yield savings and/or money market. We'll see when we cross that bridge. BUT all this will come to fruition by living on a very small budget that is possible because of me moving in with Skiboy as well as tracking and planning everything down to the penny. So, all in all, I'm sorry boys and girls that I can't be doing more fun things, but I'm trying to get myself situated in life where I can go back to school and actually better my life. In the mean time, I will not be dating anyone, and I'm sorry to those of you who are interested but I must continue on and adhere rigidly to this path if I'm ever going to accomplish my goals in life.
With all this having been said, feel free to chat me up

AIM: Socialites1
YAHOO: sinn95