Wednesday, April 22, 2009


While I sit here getting my day started at work, occasionally sipping my morning coffee trying to clear my mind of the sleepy fog that encompasses us all when we first awaken, I wonder what life has in store. I ponder what this grand adventure we are all on holds for each of us…my friends, my family, all my loved ones. I expound in my mind’s eye what twists and turns may be thrown at us.

Slowly I have drifted apart from some friends while getting closer to others. I gain a new understanding and a new appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. People who I would’ve never thought I would hold in my inner sanctum have become my closest confidants. With each person who comes into our lives we must glean something from each one and take the life lesson that was meant to be and make it a part of ourselves. These truths have proven themselves to be self evident in each and every situation I’ve encountered. Some have taught me that I need to be more of an adult. Others have taught me that the only person we can truly count on is our self. And still more have shown me that with heartache and longing, there is always a reason and a silver lining to everything.

One of the people who knew the old me the best, one of my exes, the one who I had the longest relationship with, said something rather profound. I am unsure if he realizes the prolific impact that simple statement had on me. He jokingly said at the demise of my last relationship, “You’re just not meant to be in a relationship.” Could this be the case? Could it possibly be that I’m not meant to find “the one”? Some of my friends have paired off into their lifelong partnerships while still others have not. We still get together and have our fun and rebellious times but they aren’t as frequent and are usually more mundane as we reach “respectable adult” ages. Through these times I have to admit I find myself thinking “when in the hell did we grow up?!” Last night as I was preparing myself to retire to much needed slumber, I typed up a new away message. One which, once completed, I realized how profound a statement it was. "As I lay my head upon my pillow, I hope for blissful dreams, of peace and happiness. I hope for someone with whom there will be mutual desire, caring, and passion. I hope to be granted only that which is the heart's greatest desire in the only place it can be dreams." I sent this statement to a couple of online friends, and both had the same response. “Wow that’s beautiful, where did you find it?” When I told them that I had written it just now as an away message they were both astonished I was capable of such prose. Could it be this is truly the only place where we can find the one we truly desire is within ourselves? Within our own heart? I’ve contemplated this statement and while I still don’t yet grasp its true meaning, even though I am its author, I believe it to be true. We’ve all heard the cliché expression “you can’t truly love another until you first love yourself.” As the words flowed forth from my finger tips onto the screen, is when a realization hit me that finally I understand that this concept means. To find love, one must look within oneself prior to searching for another to share our life with. True contentment can only come from within.

Recently I have had a couple of gentlemen interested in a romantic entwinement. While they both are over qualified for husband material, I am not ready to have my “one”. I am on a journey of self discovery and improvement at this point. I will be returning to school as an older adult returning to something I should’ve accomplished when I was younger. If I meet my “one” he will have to wait for me to be ready. If he’s not then he’s not my “one”. Love should happen on its own and shouldn’t be forced yet it’s not something to be frightened by. Just a few minutes ago a friend from long ago in my past messaged me stating that if he is going to date someone then they have to be perfect or he gets annoyed and shuts down the ride. He asked me why that is, how he can change that. My response was simple. Stop looking for perfection in a person, and keep your eyes open for your perfect match. You will be two different people with two different sets of traits, characteristics and quirks. And even though some of these things may annoy you to an extent where a breakup may not be an option but murder is, you learn to love these quirks as part of that person.

Lately for myself my singularity seems to be my constant companion and that is precisely where I want to be. I have my friends. I have my family. I have my loved ones and that is all I desire. The journey I have set forth will be a long one. One with trials and tribulations but in the end it will all be worth it. One day I will find my one. One day I will love him unconditionally. One day life will be as close to perfection as it will ever be. One day.



Nicklous said...

I can always count on two things when I read your blogs.
First, I get all inspired. Sometimes the things you write align with things I write, or think, or feel. It's interesting. And, second, I smile because even when you're sad, you're capable of finding a silver lining. You're optimistic, even if you don't mean to be. and, I think there's something brilliant in that.

tracy said...

You know, when you comment on my blog and I hit reply, you probably don't know, do you? So here was the reply, "Really? I don't believe you. Have you ever had a Pedicure? Do you work on Saturday mornings?"