Peace

On this quiet Sunday evening, I find myself having a sense of peace. A calm which has not been bestowed upon me in what seems like forever by the prevailing forces in my life. An evening of quiet reflection on my goals and plans in life. In my last blog I wrote that I have now set myself on a path to become debt free which, if strictly adhered to over the next few months, will allow me to set forth on another adventure I've been wanting to do for some time. It would allow me to announce a hiatus from the volunteer work I do at the Toledo Rep in order to pursue a degree. Something which has been the source of a significant amount of self admonishment. As I sit here and gaze unceasingly at the budget I have laid out for myself, carefully documenting every penny I spend as to keep myself afloat, I feel not overwhelmed or under duress about the task in front of me but a sense of accomplishment. A feeling that I alone can do this and I alone will be the one responsible for bettering myself. I have one person to thank for triggering me to take up this task and proceed forth. For giving me the sense of clarity I needed to see exactly how to tackle this road in front of me. My former partner. If it had not been for our relationship and its demise my mind's eye would not have been able to decipher this road which I must tread. Everything in life is presented to teach us a lesson and we must take away from that experience a valuable lesson. And from this experience I have gleaned one fact that is perhaps the most valuable of all...the fact I am a GREAT person who can and will go on no matter what is thrown at him and I will live my life as thought I'm a role model.

Along with this sense of peace comes with an almost selfish sense of self awareness. I can no longer care for others while sacrificing my own well being. There are now going to be times when I will sincerely have to respond with “I'm sorry but I can't right now, I need some me time.” This in no form means that I do not want to listen or help, it simply means I need to take care of myself before I can be in a place mentally or physically to help you.

As I am taking this more self centered approach to my life and well being, it is those which are closest to me that are my greatest assets. Each of you know who you are and I can't thank you enough for helping to encourage and understand this is something that is both difficult and necessary.

I mentioned above that I will have to take a hiatus from The Toledo Rep and the thespian arts for a period of time while I undertake this seemingly massive task of change. This season and the two shows I am working this summer (“All Shook Up” and “The Full Monty”) will likely be the last two shows I am participating with. While I know this will sadden some, there will probably be some who will be indifferent to it or even glad I'm out of the theatre. The performing arts have always been something I greatly enjoyed taking part in and partaking of so this needed hiatus does sadden me but once I have accomplished what I need to accomplish I am certain I will be back with an even greater hand in things. Or at least that is my sincerest hope. We shall cross that bridge when we get to it.

After having spoken with my mother this evening in regards to the events and the changes in my life I must make and now have a map to arrive at the desired end result, my sense of purpose and determination is ever more reinforced to an immeasurable extent. As I sit here extolling my thoughts feelings and goals into a series of 1's and 0's which will be transmitted, transferred, and eventually translated into a form which is readable to our human eyes, I can't help but think of all the years I've wasted not on others but on myself. The years that have passed by so quickly leaving me sitting here at the age of 27, almost 28, wondering why I haven't done more with my life. Then the not startling realization comes to me as if it were the pink elephant in the corner of the room no one wants to talk about. The realization that I knew all along I was wasting myself on such trivial things as one who is desperate to hold onto his youth does. All the while knowing what I had to do but choosing to block it out as if it were a forbidden memory of an act so horrible that it must be repressed to the point of mental torture. I know now what I must do. It is clear and present and stands in front of me as if it were that said pink elephant demanding to be dealt with. Much like any problem if put off long enough it will grow and fester into something that is beyond all control. I feel as though I awakened to what must be done just within the nick of time. Had I not I am certain things would be currently growing into a festering behemoth only the likes of which congress could create.

I'm sure EVERYONE is familiar with the story of David and Goliath. As the small David stood before the giant Goliath, he had but his sling and stone to challenge the incumbent. I wonder if David felt a sense of peace as he stood before this giant knowing exactly what he must do and how it must be done in order to bring Goliath to his knees. While I know this is not anything reasonably close in comparison, it is the most accurate illustration that came to mind. I feel as though I am but this small man trying to attack a monumental task. And while I don't have the tools to take this lummox immediately to its knees, I have a plan to take it down completely even if only a minute amount at a time.

And this too shall pass with time seems to be resonating in my ears as I enjoy this moment of peace.

~Preston