Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Persuit of Cookies

I thought that would get your attention. Now that I have you enthralled by the title of this post it’s time for some updates. As of 12/13/2008 I am no longer a single man *does a little dance, makes a little love, gets down tonight* hehehe. I have found perhaps the most wonderful man on the face of the earth except for the having to avoid him in the mornings LOL. (He’s not a morning person…AT ALL. Even his mom agrees) So far 2009 seems to be off to a pretty good start. There is light at the end of the tunnel financially. I’m almost caught up on everything and ready to start paying some stuff off and trust me there is a lot to pay off. Living with Skiboy has been quite a pleasurable adventure. He and I get along well and have similar interests. The children seem to have taken a liking to me as well. I know this because of the extraordinary amount of fur I seem to have on my clothes these days which reminds me I need to invest one of those roller tapey things that takes fur off things. (Shiny squirrel moment ahead) Also I need to do the dishes and refoil one of the little baking pans for the toaster oven and change out the existing one, do some laundry tonight and actually fold and hang what’s already done.

On to more existential things. Lately I have been logging the miles on my car going back and forth to Detroit to visit aforementioned amazing young man (<3 him!). There’s back story to that but I won’t get into that here. I need to have some work done to my car which is going to be rather expensive and going to leave me w/o a mode of transportation for a big while I have the timing belts and water pump replaced. If I don’t get this wonderfully expensive preventative maintenance done, my glorious run forever Honda will inevitably turn into a large beautiful black paperweight. So I’ve been toying with the idea since I’m pretty much even on my car as far as the loan, with getting an upgrade. But at the same time I only have another 2 years to pay on it and then I OWN my black beauty. Of course I’d trade it in on a newer Honda whose resale values are currently rivaling that of gold and plutonium. I’d like to find a nice newer coupe much like mine, loaded like mine, with a manual transmission. Oh how I long for the days of having a clutch. Decisions decisions. Of course I know what I will do, have the work done on my car, keep it till the wheels fall off then eventually get another Honda. Hopefully a brand new one.

Lately I’ve been pondering the thought of children. While I myself have never wanted kids since I have 8 nieces and nephews some of which I helped raise, the love of my life and keeper of my heart wants to have children. Now you all know me and life long commitments besides to the one. So yeah I’m a little nervous that I may one day want kids but I’m almost 30 and have yet to have a paternal longing. While I know kids can be the greatest joy in one’s life I don’t know if I’m ready to start the venture. I mean I don’t have a degree, don’t make a lot of money, and frankly the older I get the more I discover I’m a dumbass. My parents who are perhaps the wisest people I know, had 3 sons with me being the youngest and now have 8 grandchildren. Do they want more? Probably but I don’t know. In any event we have a lot to determine and sort through before we ever think of venturing down the road of dual fatherhood. One of my main concerns is how is a child going to explain “this is my dad Preston and my other dad Mike.” I don’t know what emotional scarring that would do to a child. At the same time I’ve seen kids who were raised by a gay HIV+ single dad (he had them with his ex-wife who is now a lesbian) and they turned out perfectly fine. It’s just things to consider when starting out on the grand and life long adventure of parenthood.

On a personal note, as some of you know, I was not out to my dad. Having carried the burden of keeping this secret from him for 10 years I thought it high time to tell him even though the rest of the family requested I not do so. So Christmas of 2008 seemed to be the time to me. A little setup to the story: my rather being some 65 years old, and a very southern man who doesn’t agree with much on the liberal side of things, collects guns and knives. He’s never photographed and cataloged his gun collection before so he enlisted my help while I was there in cataloging his valuables. He and I were alone and this would probably be the only time I would have to tell him my gut wrenching secret. The last bit of information he didn’t know about his youngest son. As we finished up and I packed away the last of the guns and the camera I asked him, “Dad, ya ever wonder why I never brought any girls home?” He responded with an almost painful “yeah.” Sensing the foreboding he was feeling I asked if he wanted to know why. When he said “go ahead” I certainly didn’t expect it. “Well dad, I’m gay.” And there it was. It was out in the open and there for him to absorb and contemplate. Fearing his reaction and the thought that I would not be allowed to spend Christmas or anymore of my life with my family I waited with baited breath for his response. It came in the form of a tone that only a southern father/grandfather can have. “Yeah, I figured. I figured it out a long time ago and was just waiting for you to tell me.” I asked him with much relief if he had any questions about it and yet another flooring response came from this now gentle grandfather. “It’s the way you’re made, nothing you or I can do about it.” It amazes me how someone who has never knowingly been around men or women of the homosexual persuasion, knew and understood that this is not something I chose but it is in fact how I’m (for lack of a better term) wired. This from a man who I would never have expected to even have a grasp of the concept that a man could love another man in a romantic way. I don’t know if he sought advice over the last 10 years from one or more of his peers or family members but that he still loves me unconditionally as a father always will and that he was accepting of the one part of me I kept hidden from him for so long has, on more than one occasion since, brought me to tears. Both tears of sadness that I waited so long to tell him and tears of joy for how loving he really is. As many of you know this was something that would hold me back from introducing them to my lover or from even being my true self around my family. Now I can do both without fear of retribution or retaliation.

With all of that having been scrawled into the permanence of the internet and there for posterity’s sake, I would like to close with this. I can write a post with a title having NOTHING to do with the content! HAHAHA