As I'm sure most of my readers know I ended the relationship I was in. This has brought about a lot of change and turmoil for both him and myself, and I can't help but have a sense of guilt for putting another human through so much pain as it appears I have/am putting him through. It's not easy watching someone that you care about go through so much even if you yourself aren't happy in the relationship. I have to admit I ended the relationship for reasons pertaining only to myself and what is best for me, not because of some mistake or egregious fuck up on his part. While he and I are no longer together, he is still an incredible guy with so much to give someone deserving of his heart. I say to that man, you are a lucky guy. Nick I wish you the best. I have known some wonderful people in my life and I count you in those ranks.
On to other matters, this week I am working 6 days but only 7 hours a day so it's not too bad. Still doesn't quite cure the boredom in the evenings and the lack of funds to go and do anything fun. I'm so used to having someone there all the time to talk to and to just have another body to be around and now that I'm living by myself again, it's taking some getting used to. I suppose now would be a good time to start exercising and riding my bike. Perhaps even back and forth to work seeing as I no longer have any evening obligations.
Tonight will be spent updating my resume and sending it to my family in OK so they can aid in the job hunt which brings me to my next point of discussion. I have lived in Toledo for 6.5 years now. Having been here this long I have set roots and lost contact with many of those I knew in Oklahoma. Those that really matter to me though I have stayed in touch with such as Jamie, David, Kyle, Matt, and my family. No longer having ties to this city besides my job and friends is a liberating feeling but at the same time, it comes with a sense of foreboding. I have longed for many years to return to my roots, to the family I left (what feels like) so long ago. I want to eventually build a home on my 40acres I will receive from my parents to live in peace in the country side with my partner, my soul mate, my better half whomever he may be. I want to have the home with the immaculate lawn, the SUV and nice car in the drive and the beater pickup out back, with a dog and maybe a cat or two. I want to be able to say "I have done what I wanted in life, and I have returned to where I was happiest and life has rewarded me with this." I know this is probably sounding like a lot of senseless blathering but it's what consumes me. It's what envelopes my every thought and dream.
A couple weeks ago, I flew home to visit my family for a quick weekend trip (again, thank you so much Nick). I got to see my brothers, and some of my nieces and nephews. One thing stands out from that visit that I never thought I'd ever see. My family has gotten old. I remember my grandparents not being far from the age my parents are now. My uncles and aunts being the age my brothers are and frankly it scares me to death. I know that it won't feel like long at all till they are gone and I will be alone. I am slightly upset at my brothers though. The one request I had of them for when I visited was to sit down and play cards or dominoes or one of the old games that is a deep rooted tradition in my family when someone visits. Yet they were more captivated by an outdoor and knife version of the home shopping network on the TV. This stung and while I love them and forgave them before I had went to bed that night, it just serves to reiterate how alienated I am from the rest of my family; something which I must correct.
Well boys and girls I should end this here and tend to work I have to do. Please leave a comment or email or something. I like to hear from people :)
~Preston
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2 comments:
Honey what ever you decide, you have my backing. I understand the thought of "taking care of me". You do what you need to do. Don't regret the things that you do. Only regret what you thought about doing and didn't. My grandfather taught me that lesson long ago and I still live or at least try to live by it.
Joe.
Definately one of lifes toughest choices that I've encountered so far. I know that when I was on Columbus at OSU for just 10 months, things back home changed a lot. I moved back in to my old room, which wasn't the same, the lives of the people around me had changed, my former employer had changed and so on. I longed for things to be the way they were before I ever left. When you get back to OK, be prepared for things to not be the way they were before you left. I wish you happiness, no matter what you decide. Oh yeah...I'm finding that getting/keeping that well manicured lawn is a lot harder than what one might think too.
-Steve / "Skiboy"
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