11 days.

It's been 8 days since I posted a blog. 11 days since Nick moved out. And feels like an eternity for both. While I feel the ending of our relationship was for the best in the long run, it still hurts not having him there. I know he doesn't want to read this or even know I'm feeling this way but it's the way I feel. Nick, I'm sorry. You're a good guy and I do wish you the best.

On to things pertaining solely to myself. Work is my only sanctuary right now and that's a very disheartening thought. I pour myself into my career when I'm single usually however this go round, work isn't fulfilling. Of course that is one of the things that I want to change in my life. I will be going on to secondary education soon enough even though I can't afford it. I will take a part time job somewhere (anywhere at this point) to be able to afford to live. It is my hope and desire that even though it will be expensive and I cannot see how I will be able to afford it if I have no job to go to, I will be moved to Oklahoma by years end. Hopefully to a new set of friends and a new life. While I care greatly about those that I have here, it is time for me to move on. Or move back as it were to someplace strangely familiar even though it has been over 6 years since I have lived in Oklahoma and places, people, and things change a lot in 6 years. I don't know what I will do for a job or money down there yet, but I do know I will be attending school in some form. Either PT or FT, but somehow I will make it work and I will get my life back on track. I can no longer stomach the revulsion that is my life even with the betterments that have come from the last year. Currently at home I am rebuilding my resume so that I may hopefully find a job that can support me while I pursue higher education.

For those of you who read my blog, thank you for the kind words you have left me over time. They do mean a lot however can't compare to the solace or comfort a hug or shoulder offer. I am embarrassed that I am 27 years old and only have a high school diploma having squandered all of the opportunity I was presented with so young. A series of bad decisions, a series of life choices have lead me to this point and hopefully a series of corrections will lead me to where I want to be in life. I have the design picked out for the home I wish to build and live in. I have the dream cars I want in the drive way and garage of that home picked out. And while I don't have the partner who will spend his life with me in that home just yet, I know he will come to me one day. To those of you who know me outside of this digital world, I need your help and guidance. Perhaps even just a little bit of your time. Help to remind me of my goals, help keep me on track with them. And help save my mind from devouring itself with an onslaught of doubt.