Mirrors

A common household object that is also a metaphor for looking inside oneself. As of late I have had the unsettling feeling of looking into a mirror and wondered exactly who was looking back at me because it wasn’t me. Maybe another facet of my personality, maybe I always viewed myself differently than what I was seeing at that time. Who knows right? Only I can answer that question. Only I can be the one who goes on the grand adventure of discovery of just who Preston is. I mean lets think about this….who am I? Lately I can’t really say for sure. I mean there are always the standard things of what I am; I’m caring, I can be sweet, I am gay, I am very sexual, I am a mess. But just WHO am I? I find myself as of lately asking that question a lot. Am I a lover? Am I a husband waiting to be found? Am I another nameless face in the crowd? I can say what it feels like I am as of late. I feel as though I’m just simply another nameless face in the crowd. Just another gay man who is struggling to get by one day at a time. I feel like I’m nothing special. I honestly haven’t felt special in a long time. I feel because I am one who wears his feelings on his sleeve; because I’m one who will tell someone I like them if I like them; because I am someone who trusts that someone will do something they said they would do that I am always going to be a play thing for those who are more guarded. Something they can dangle and bat around for their amusement. I fear I am talked about more in whispered conversations than one should be. More of a “watch this, I’m going to say I’m going to hang out with this person” or “I’m going to flirt with him then completely ditch him…this’ll be fun!” It feels as though it’s my lot in life lately.

In the past I have written about becoming or wanting to be greater than the sum of my parts. I feel actually less than the sum of my parts tonight. As if I’m another play toy in a game of vengeance and hurt that perpetuates itself onto the unsuspecting victims who simply want to find love. I feel video games take precedence over me. I feel as though alcohol has a greater value than me. I feel as though everything in this world has a greater emotional and monetary value than me. It’s both a disturbing and sickening feeling. It makes me ask “is this all I’ve ever been my whole life?” Is this all I am destined to be? Some pathetic faggot wanting to find love which doesn’t exist?

Tonight it feels like that. Tonight it feels like the only option to deal with this constantly battered heart of mine is to cut it out. To remove all emotion from my life except anger and bitterness. But that’s not what I want to be! And while it’s not what I want to be, it’s what I’m becoming. My heart I don’t think can take one more blow before it falls to shreds. I have little left to offer someone who I want to be with besides a bleeding fleshy mass that was once full of hope and love. Tonight I feel as though I’ve been bled dry of all caring. It’s time for someone to build me up right now and I will do the same in return.

~Preston