Monday, June 15, 2009

The Roller Coaster Has No More Hills

Previously in my life (prior to last November) a lot of my friends and loved ones, the ones that truly knew me the best, would say that I was kind of an erratic person. Usually very random, up and down, not very predictable as to how I would react to something, but for the most part I was generally happy. Well of course they always saw me when I was happy. I never let the downside yang to my happy yen show through. I would hole myself up for hours or even days till the mood passed. Those that knew me then and know me now have all noticed a significant difference in the person and type of mood I'm in constantly. I'm no longer as erratic or irrational. I no longer have the inexplicable mood swings which often times varied by the minute you were talking to me. Things are now even keeled. The rollercoaster has no more hills.

Along these lines I have been doing a lot of thinking, worrying, fretting, and just generally contemplating why I am so hell bent on self improvement. My emotional roller coaster may no longer have any more hills but my life in general is about to be one gigantic up, down, left, right, loop, cobra turn, followed by a sudden and abrupt stop, then being launched at 120mph. I am fervently planted and am to the point of no return on this grand adventure of life and improvement. I do however have a companion who has accepted the task of going along for the ride. Bless her for sitting down, strapping in, and holding on for the ride. Molly and I have all but gotten our 64 count box of crayola crayons, elmers glue, wonder woman lunch boxes, and wide ruled spiral notebooks so we can start our career paths at the ripe old ages of 26 for Molly (not really but she looks it so that's what we're going with) and 27 for myself (I look older but we'll go with my real age). Molly while being one of the bravest and most caring people I've ever met seems to be as scared as I am about venturing back to school. We seem to be sharing the same worries and concerns. “What if I fail? What if I can't do it? What if....” There is an unending string of what if's. Molly in a relatively short amount of time have gotten extremely close. We share similar thoughts and feelings, I spend time at her home, have picked one of her children up at school before, I spend an insane amount of time at her home with her family. So much so that when her husband comes home from work the standard line of questions consists of “the kids home from school? Okay Preston here yet?” Molly and I believe that we were brought into each other's lives at the exact time to help each other through some difficult times. School for me and a personal matter with her. I feel as though we have become each other's rocks. A beacon in the storm that is our lives.

The other day I was reading through some of my past blog entries. I read a couple that I hadn't printed for the people at work yet, and got to thinking that it has been a while since I have dipped the quill in the proverbial ink and scribed some senseless blather onto this electronic forum of me. As I was reading through Ponderings I had forgotten a comment was left on that journal since I receive so few comments on my entries (I'd like to receive more!), so I clicked on it...not quite knowing what to expect or who it was from but it was obviously from someone that I would allow to publish a comment. As the screen loaded and the words formed in front of my eyes, I was not surprised that the note was left by Nick ( What the comment contained was something I had forgotten how special and profound it was. Nick and I have an unusual relationship. We were lovers first, then after the breakup, we are now amazing friends. We affect each other's writing and the process that goes into it. His comment touched me and helped reaffirm that I really am a great person who will succeed no matter what is thrown at him. With Molly being an exponentially stronger person than myself, I KNOW we can get through school together. Without a doubt in my mind we can and will succeed if for no other reason to say we did it, we did it with each other and the support of our loved ones. We are doing it, for ourselves.

SQUIRREL/CHICKEN (IM or email me and I'll explain):

I was chatting with a friend this morning and she asked me, “why do gay guys change their voices?” Curious, I inquired what she meant. She said that gay men have like 2 different voices. A straight voice and a gay voice. I have noticed this in even myself. I have my normal voice which is questionable and ambiguous as far as sexuality. And I have my straight voice which, when heard, there is no question in your mind about my sexuality...until you see me walk (HAHAHAHA). But this got me to thinking. Why do gay men have this stigma and have to have two different “voices”. Why must/do we continue to perpetuate a continued practice that no matter your sexuality your masculinity is not defined by simply being anatomically manufactured to be a man, but it is in fact determined by who you are perceived by others. If you have a feminine voice, girlish mannerisms, a swish to your walk, or limp wrists it is as if you are branded with a red hot iron directly to your forehead with the irrevocable and permanent stamp of “HOMO HERE! Hey girl heeeey!” I know I'm not the most “masculine” man in the world by society's definition, however, if you get to know me, you will learn I grew up in the middle of no where, I know how to work on cars, drive trucks, tractors, and raise cattle. I know many many “masculine” men out there whose knowledge about how to check the oil in their car could easily be doubled and threaded through the eye of a needle. God forbid these “men's men” be challenged to change a flat tire or change their own oil. Yet, the not-so-masculine guy writing this, can do all those. Has changed the tranny fluid on cars, even (with my brother) broke our farm tractor down to rebuild the transmission (you have to split the entire thing in half). It's funny how society puts labels on us based upon the first impressions and surface of what we see of someone. While I find it humorous this prejudice exists, I must engage in full self disclosure and admit that “straight acting” is a must have for me on the attributes my potential partner possesses. More than likely they won't have a clue how to do the things that I can with a car, truck, or whatever, but they must look and act like a straight man. It's just something that is a must have for me. I want us to be that couple that the neighbors say “oh yeah, their great guys” and not want or have to mention our sexuality because it's not called into question. While I like to think of myself is a more forward thinking and progressive gay man, I must also admit and profess my own subscriptions to selfish and societal stereotypical preferences. Sometimes forward thinking and progressive give way to the more traditional side. As the world moves closer to an ever more accepting notion of homosexuality and a general people are people no matter who they love, I fear that I will be left behind in the fear and closeted thinking that others don't want to or won't accept me because I wake up to a man.

Back to the roller coaster:

Bear fully in mind that this journal has taken some weeks to scribe into being so the thoughts may seem incongruous. Tonight as I was relaxing with friends relaying funny stories and anecdotes, my roller coaster took a more downward turn. While there are no longer hills so to speak there are gentle ups and downs along the way. I thought of how I feel alone currently. While I have skiboy some 10' (give or take) away from me, I still have a sense of solitude that is steadily growing to bother me more and more. I don't want to be without my love but at the same time I know this is something I must do. With my latest romantic interest taking an unexpected turn approximately a week in, I've noticed I either set myself up for a let down or they just seem to find me. Either way they need to stop. I must continue forth on my adventure no matter what curveballs are thrown at me. Lately as far as men, due to a string of either unsatisfying events or simply being ignored, I've developed the attitude of “fuck it! They're loss.” and move on. I refuse to put forth effort into something and get nothing in return. If after I have put forth my amount of effort I think is acceptable and I get nothing in return, I will simply stop, in the off chance that person comes back to me all the while not holding my breath or getting my hopes up.

The more I sit here and scrawl my thoughts and feelings into this forum the more I realize how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. I have Tracy who is one of the wisest people I've ever met. I have John, Molly, Terri, Ken, Kimmy, and Skiboy who are my family and are perhaps some of the most protective people I've ever met. A pack of angry pitbulls would be an accurate description. I have all my other friends and people I care about. Those that have gotten to know me and know that I have one of the biggest hearts a person can but I can still be a ruthless bitch when crossed. I have all these people in my life, a roof over my head, a car in the driveway, and a career path I am setting forth on. If it were not for the people in my life who have and are giving me the support that I need, I would not have any of this. The blessed mementos granted to each of us on a daily basis are truly things that must be cherished and appreciated for where they originate and their substance.

Though my roller coaster ride is still hopefully in its early stages on this adventure, things have smoothed, but there are still bumps, curves, and the occasional roll. We all encounter these. It's called life. And life is something to be loved, enjoyed, and lived to the fullest each and every day. I ask you to accept a task on my behalf. If I or anyone else you know seems to be unappreciative of the day they have been handed, remind them of the beauty that both they and the world around them contains. To return to an ending line I've used in the past, for all the bad remember, this too shall pass with time.