Thursday, October 30, 2008
Personally things are what they are, I’m doing the best I can with what I got. *shrugs*.
Relationship area, things are interesting. I like someone, but am unsure of how they feel about me or where they want me to fit in. Frankly I don’t want to have to work to “catch” someone. It should be mutual and easy. If you like me, tell me, if you don’t like me, tell me. Pretty simple I think. Humans are all equipped with emotion chips that are fused into our neural net so just express it. We’ll see how things play out. I’m a busy guy and frankly think I’m a pretty decent catch…so lets catch each other!
At work things are going pretty good lately. My boss and I have a very good working relationship and work pretty well together. He listens to me vent and I listen to him…it’s a nice arrangement. We’ve been getting out of work on time every night this week which is nice but there is something big in the works which I can’t discuss right now.
That pretty much covers it!
Have a wonderful weekend all and HAPPY HALLOWEEN! *bares fangs*
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Many times in life we’re presented with situations that can either be a learning situation or a complete and total disaster…sometimes both! Having lost some people near and dear to my heart and gained some incredible friendships through years, I’ve tried to glean a small amount of wisdom from each and every one. Below is a small list of things I’ve learned in my comparatively short life thus far.
Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Always make time to play.
Enjoy each day as if it were your last.
If you can’t beat, figure out a way to make their task as difficult as possible.
Nothing is quite as vengeful as a gay man scorned.
Nothing is quite as wonderful as a gay man truly in love.
Women are a lot smarter than men.
The satisfaction of an emotional connection will outweigh the physical.
A good friend will say “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” while a great friend will show up with shovels, trash bags, and a truck.
People often times aren’t what they appear or say they are.
Heartache comes just as easy as caring.
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, prepare to have it scarred repeatedly.
A beautiful and perfect heart can be a sign that person has never given it away while one that is scarred, bruised, and battered can mean that person is one of the most wonderful people you will ever meet. Wanting only someone to guard their heart as they will guard yours.
People may come and people may go but it’s the impact you have on them that truly matters.
Smile, it improves your face value!
One kind act can change someone’s entire life.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Some of these things may seem kind of cliché while some may seem simply humorous but they are truly things that I’ve learned if I live by, everything will be okay. I am one who wears my heart on my sleeve and I’m also one who trusts very few. It has been my experience that most people just want to screw you or screw you over. It’s a rare find to encounter someone who engenders trust and a kind spirit. I have a few of those people in my life and while I sometimes fail to let them know how much they mean to me, they are my world. I have been one who has had his heart broken many times and I have broken hearts before. I have a scarred and mismatched heart because of the pieces I have given away and sometimes those pieces have been replaced with a piece of the person’s heart whom I gave mine to. Sometimes there are just holes and gaps where I have given of myself and received nothing in return. It’s those times I take something from the situation. Something that will help me learn and grow as a person. All in all I come away from each situation a little bit wiser and sometimes briefly a little mistrustful.
I was speaking with my mother on the phone last night and trying to help and council her as to a situation going on with my eldest brother. I had initially called her for advice and an encouraging word but she needed it worse than I. In that conversation we covered many things. Some of which were things we needed to talk about for quite sometime and others were just the simple yammering that one tends to have in a phone chat. I asked my mother why is it that I can’t find someone who I will love and appreciate for all time that I can have the perfect suburban life with. Where we have the house with the white picket fence, the car and SUV in the driveway, and the dog and cat as our children. The perfect suburban life. Her response is what discouraged me and bit to the core. She stated that things won’t be able to be like that for me for various reasons pertaining to my sexuality. And while I love my mother with every fiber of my being I can’t help but think this is one of those times she is wrong for what she said. Love can transcend gender, race, creed, and language. Two people can love each other unconditionally and build a wonderful life together no matter if they are two men, two women, white, black, orange, purple, or even green (I’m reading Wicked so deal with the green reference). I will continue to hold on to this belief until such point I have no more love left to give. I will continue to hold on to the hope that one day I will be my prince’s dream man and he will be mine. One day I will be loved unconditionally and love unconditionally with my partner in life, my prince charming.
And for those of you who actually read this, and think you might be my prince charming…SPEAK UP!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
One step at a time. Such a simple phrase that we all too often hear used in conjunction with someone trying to comfort us from some sort of pain or strife or struggle. This phrase is unusual to hear in everyday casual conversation. Usually this phrase is one that is uttered by those who we consider close friends or what we say when we really don’t want to continue on and are simply putting one proverbial foot in front of the other in hopes that if we continue on things will get better…eventually. It also got me to thinking about something and someone that I don’t think about unless I’m telling a story. It got me to thinking about my father. Often times when telling a story about my father it involves some sort of hilarious physical injury in the past and I have to explain that it’s so funny because my father is a paraplegic. Such as you wouldn’t picture a man who can’t walk being able to jump from a seated position on the ground however I assure you if my brother is swinging a sledge hammer and misses, that person seated on the ground can and will jump. *chuckles at the memory*
One step at a time has a different meaning for me I guess. I, like many people without disabilities, take for granted the ability to walk, climb stairs, run, or even dance. Until you have lived with or are someone with a disability you can’t fathom not being able to walk into a store or someone’s home because of a 3” step. How difficult would it be to get out of bed or bathe if you couldn’t move your legs? Not being able to run or play with your children outside. Not being able to do so much in life because the world is made for those capable of bipedal locomotion. Yet I look at my father who hasn’t had the use of his legs for 59 years of his life due to the once almost pandemic effects of polio. A disease which has almost been eradicated from existence outside of a control laboratory. I draw inspiration to keep going on from my father and his struggles in life. He has never let his disability keep him from doing anything he wanted to do. He fathered three sons, has eight grandchildren, and has lived his whole life working hard for everything he has. At one point owning and operating a bull dozer service, raising catfish commercially, farming, and operating a rural utility my father hasn’t let anything stand in his way of doing what he wants. I’ve witnessed this man in the face of someone telling him that he couldn’t do task X due to his disability, do it in front of that person just to prove them wrong and for no other reason. My dad and I have replaced the roof on the home where I grew up before. Imagine how difficult it would be for him to climb a ladder to get to the roof of a house, yet he did it. It can be done.
Thinking back, the phrase one step at a time means something different for each and every one of us. In addition to the above mentioned memories and pride for my father that phrase inspires in me, it also reminds me of a song that was once and still is one of my favorite hymns. A hymn I’d try to work into more services than I probably should have when I was a music minister (that’s a story and post for another time). One Day at a Time. The song, if you’ve never heard it, speaks of taking one day at a time having faith in the Lord to keep you safe and not give you anything you can’t handle in life. And though my faith in an omniscient and omnipresent deity has changed since those days, it is still one of my favorite songs to hear and sing. While we all have some kind of faith in a supernatural force, presence, person, place, or thing it’s how we apply that faith to our lives and live by it that shapes who we are, how we act and deem what is socially appropriate. The song asks the singer to be given only one day at a time. To be given the strength to do what he/she has to do each day and for the Lord to help them believe in what they could/should be (depending on the version). Often times those who are “without faith” find this strength in themselves. A belief in their own abilities and/or strengths is what keeps them going. It’s what keeps this “wayward soul” taking one step at a time. As I stated above my beliefs have changed over the years and that’s due to my coming out process but the older I get the more I believe in destiny, fate, karma, and that there is a higher power or force out there that connects us all; driving us onward each day.
One step at a time can also be put into the context of a process. Just take it one step at a time and you will eventually, much like life, reach your goal as long as you keep doing what you need to do. Lets take for example the events in my past with the above mentioned coming out. I’m sure I’ve touched on this past posts but you’ll have to suffer through it again. At the age of 17 I had been sexually active with males for 3 years. Struggling much with my own identity and sexuality and on top of that the rhetoric of the Southern Baptist church constantly spewing forth the propaganda that homosexuality is wrong and those who engage in those acts/lifestyles will burn eternally in a tortuous fiery hell, I had the opportunity for an adventure. An adventure away from my parents and the place I had always known. I went to California to live with my then 72yo aunt and uncle for a month. This was an eye opening experience for me. I had never been to a place where homosexuality was something that was simply regarded as nonchalant as “oh I’m married.” This lead to my personal acceptance of my own sexuality…that I wasn’t in fact just curious and all I need was the right girl to come into my life but I was in fact gay and simply needed the right guy to come into my life (which I’m still waiting for). I returned to Oklahoma and the almost tactile oppression of being in the closet. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell someone. I told my best friend at the time, Matt. While Matt was/is a wonderful man, at the time he couldn’t handle the reality and closeness that his best friend was one of the dreaded homosexuals he had heard so much about since those homosexuals couldn’t come from or even be in a small town. While we have since reconciled and discussed at length this particular situation, at the time he had to seek help. Unfortunately for me he sought help from one of the people I had hoped he wouldn’t, the youth minister at our church. While I can’t say for certain, this person had a harder time with the fact I was gay than Matt did and I think the reason is his own internal battle with his sexuality. I was asked by said youth minister if what I had told Matt was in fact true, and although I wanted to deny it so I could keep my secret just that, I blurted out “I can’t lie about it anymore, yes I’m gay.” I was told to leave the church and never return. Since that day I have never darkened its doorstep again. I tell you this long arduous story to tell you this. One step at a time is the process I have been taking to reconnect with my past. Reconnect with myself if you will. I have taken one step that I am very proud of and that is contacting Matt and actually getting along wonderfully. He told me something during our time together that struck a chord with me and will tie in with posts in the past about connections. He told me that when I came out to him, it shocked his world and shook his faith. He has since examined other faiths and religions and is a very well versed in matters of faith. He accepts that I am gay and actually draws strength from that experience for me having the courage in the face of all that would oppose me for being true to myself. He also understands that me being gay isn’t a choice, its how I was born. Nature, not nurture my friends. Having had such a profound impact on someone’s life and knowing it something I take great pride in. Knowing in the back of my mind that I have changed on person for the better keeps hope alive for me that I might inspire or help better another one day. It’s one of the things that keep me taking my one step at a time.
While we all have internal battles and struggles, we must have faith in ourselves and our abilities. Know our strengths and weaknesses and build our lives to those. As I was writing this entry this morning, I read a small portion of it to someone here at work while they were cleaning my office and her first words after I had finished were “you should write a book because you are very good.” That meant a lot to me coming from her. While I don’t know if she knows it I greatly respect her and her strength to keep going day to day as a single mother. She loves, cares, and provides for her two children with every fiber of her being. They are her world. Her dedication to her children and family is another thing that reminds me to keep moving forward. I look back at the people I’ve had in my life and think “wow there have been some really great people and some really really shitty people.” To the great people, thank you for being part of my life and I hope we can continue or reconnect again one day. To the not so great people, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in life and to look out for myself.
In conclusion, remember each of us has a purpose, each of us has trials and tribulations, each of us have good things, and each of us have bad things. It’s what makes us individuals. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses, and keep taking one step a time.