Thursday, December 30, 2004


Have you ever had the feeling that the world was spinning so very fast that you were going to fly off into space? That there was no way you could possibly keep up and do everything that you have been tasked with? Where you just wished the world would leave you alone for a while except for those that you want to let in? That pretty much sums things up lately. A mass of confusion compiled upon an ever mounting list of tasks to complete at work.

I want some way to get away. Some way to not have to worry about the daily stresses of life. Some way to escape if even for a little while. Some way to quiet my mind and not have to think about anything.

I suppose that I have put myself in this situation. I suppose I am the one who bears the responsibility for being here. Life used to be so much simpler. How did things get so complicated? Work is a nightmare, my personal life is a mass of confusion. *sigh* What can I do though besides take one day at a time.

That will be all for the evening.


Friday, December 24, 2004

A positive outlook

Normally just a simple phrase that means to always look on the bright side of things, no matter what. Something I do sometimes have trouble accomplishing. Having said that, things are going well. Work is going okay. Busy as all hell but going okay. Erik and I seem to be hitting it off really well and I think are going to work very well together. Not only is he a good boss but he is also becoming a close friend. All in all he's a really great guy.

On the personal side of things...things are going okay. I upset Dave today with the phrasing of a question because I was confused as to what he meant by something. I hope he took my explaination of what I really meant and has forgiven me. I have more to say about that but nothing I want to get into except with him.

I finally got the new phone server put in with Cory tonight. We really didn't expect to get it done tonight but what do you know....IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!! Thank the diety of your preference.

AND WITH THAT!!! I have next week off! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!! I'm going to kick back and not do a DAMN thing.

Good night all!


Sunday, December 19, 2004


Well dear readers, it has been a while since I posted of my latest goings on and general blatherings. Things have been going very off the wall for me to say the least. Lets start with work.

Work, yet another 4 letter word of the english language, has steadily become a nightmare from hell to say the least. With the firing of my ex David, the company hired a director of operations to which I now report. Also I was "hand picked" to be the Level 1 End User Support supervisor which means I now have the entire call center under me except for the 3 provider support guys. PLUS all the crap I was handling normally on top of this now. Needless to say things have been interesting and hectic at work.

Now time for personal (this is where it's going to get long). Things have been going okay for me. I am staying in my apartment since David is no longer getting the house in Holland because of the whole getting fired thing. Army boi (Dave) and I have been taking one day at a time. I really really really like this guy and from what it seems and what he says he really likes me also. I have made it known that I want to date him and he said (once I pried it out of him) that he wants to date me but is scared. Personally I can understand why because he has gotten screwed over in the past by a couple guys and that is just never an easy thing to get over but in the same breath I am not those guys. We have had a couple episodes where he has hurt me over the last few days but that's just because I was reading too much into things. Last wed night was a perfect example. I was having a really kinda depressed and down night getting things ready for the christmas party and just generally depressive state. I mentioned that I wanted someone to just hold me and after a little discussion he came over. He was EXTREMELY affectionate that night which was absolutely wonderful and just made me feel like I was on cloud nine. We retired and shared a VERY amazing experience. Well it came out that he didn't even remember the conversation we had leading up to his arrival and the only reason he came over was because he was horny. Talk about feeling used. I have a protective thing that happens when I get hurt....after I cry, all emotions are shut off except for the anger. Well I asked what he was thinking as I was smoking a cig and he just said "I screwed up big time I should have never came over wed." He eventually let it all out and started crying also because he had hurt me. Of course with that how could I not forgive him so I hugged him and said "it's okay baby I forgive you" and we retired to bed. SO with all that said and done I'm thinking "great we made a break through hopefully it won't be long then until he's ready to date." Well he came over last night and had been drinking again (not that much) but was really affectionate and just generally it was a good night. (notice a pattern of alcohol = affection yet?) When we got up this afternoon (granted yes all I felt like doing was staying in bed and not doing a damn thing but it was his birthday so I wanted to take him out to dinner but we got up so late it was time for him to meet his friend Tom. So the dinner was postponed, no big, but it was the fact that he didn't say very much and like he just wanted to get the hell outta here today that kind of disturbed me. OH WELL! Nothing I can do about issues that someone doesn't want me to help with. SO from this point forward I'm going to take the stance that if he wants to date me like he says he does he can come after me instead of me mindlessly pursuing something that I can never obtain and getting myself hurt countless times in the process. Yes dear reader you are probably thinking "WELL IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN TIME HE WOKE UP!" What can I say...I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. What I feel for someone is just's genuinely what I feel for that person.

BUT that is enough blathering on endlessly about my issues. How have you all been doing? ......


Sunday, December 05, 2004


I have come to a not so startling conclusion as of late. Those whom we love can hurt us very deeply, without even trying. I feel my heart cannot bear another blow, another tear, another break, another scar to bear silently eating me away inside while I idly stand by and say "I want nothing more than your happiness."

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I give willingly of myself to those I care about...and in return I am usually hurt....adding yet another scar to the many I bear each day. Hoping one day to find that special someone who will take my heart willingly and guard it as well as I do theirs.

Dave asked me if everything was okay tonight. I told him it wasn't and that it wasn't his battle but he offered me an ear anyway. That really means a lot to me. More than I'm sure he knows. I really like Dave...A LOT. But that's another story. Hopefully whatever he is stressing about I can help him with. He is a great person and I am very glad to have him in my life, in whatever form it may evolve into. Dave, if you're reading this, thank you for just being you. :)

That is all for tonight.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm

Well folks things have been interesting, stressful, disappointing, happy, and wonderful at the same time. Professionally things have been busy and still kind of up in the air. I had a long conversation with our CEO the other day and well it seems as though things may be looking up with the company.

Personally things have been intriguing and I don't know what to do really. I've finally aired all my thoughts to Cory about his situation which made me feel better for a few minutes and it helped him wake up and realize what has been going on. On the other hand I absolutely adore Cory. He is a wonderful guy and very attractive. I have wanted him since I met him, however it was made apparently clear I can NEVER have him beyond a friendship. No big surprise there but it just hurt coming from David. Dave (my "friend" in the army) has been stressed lately and has been kind of recoiling away from me. Who knows what is going on there. I do really like him. I guess I need to stay single for a while even though David wants us to get back together. I haven't even been remotely interested in anything beyond just hanging out and maybe cuddling with someone lately. I think I'm just going to retreat into my world and only speak when spoken to and see what happens. There is no point in me even trying anymore with these guys or any point in me even remotely trying to put my heart out there again just to have it turned down. I don't know of I should leave my apartment now or not with the developments with David basically calling me a lying whore.

I'm sure some of you reading this are thinking "oh great he's throwing another pitty party" so I'm just going to cut this off here.